Apple Inc.

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Complementary apple-shaped cookies laced with cyanide, free with each purchase
This article is about the humble corporation. For the tasty snack, see Apple.

Apple Inc. (to be more accurate, Apple Computer Inc.) is not just a computer/portable device company, but at its inner core a philosophy. It's a philosophy of life, of living, of being alive, of stayin' alive, and of livin' la vida loca. It is a way of thinking and consuming overpriced monochrome technology that's designed with elegance.→

Apple is known for their iMiracles regularly excreted by Great Leader Steve Jobs Tim Cock, such the iMac, iPod, iPhone, iPad, and iHamster. In commonality with Buddhist thought, Apple, Cock, and his workers are to be considered One, with shared consciousness and utter dedication to the Whole, from which new products emerge. All Apple's products are guaranteed top-of-the-line and "double-plus good".

Apple's triumph in the global technology industry has been based on a clear ideology of innovation, and abiding to these slogans: "Think Different" and "It Just Werks". In due time, Apple soared through the market and survived the tech-wars of the '90s, defeating economist's expectations again and again. They are now stronger than ever, having emerged from the patent wars with Samsung.

History[edit | edit source]

1976–84: Founding[edit | edit source]

Apple was founded in 1976, when the Great Leader Steve Jobs received a vision of purity and infinite apple milk, made from George Washington by Bob Washington's Nineteen Eighty-Four. His vision was of a collective society transformed and unified under the mysticism of minimilism and simplicity. Being a complete and utter genius, Jobs named his company "Apple Computer Co." – in honor of both Renaissance Man Johnny Appleseed, and the nutritious fruit that one can buy from the grocery store.

Jobs's first attempt at capturing this vision was the iSandwich, a specially microchipped tuna baguette that played music whilst in the stomach. He was quickly persuaded to discontinue the product after customers complained that their stomachs were becoming "too musical".

The famous 1984 Mac ad. Luckily some brightspark had the afterthought of mentioning computers, otherwise nobody would've known what the hell was going on.

1984–91: Good times[edit | edit source]

As Jobs had no one to transcribe his vision into words, his second attempt was to create a computer out of the collective debris of drug paraphernalia and organic matter located on the floor of his mother's kitchen. Featuring voice-recognitition software, he could now dictate directly into the machine and thus make the machine – the Macintosh – the vehicle for his new philosophy.

The first ever Macintosh was released on January 24, 1984, accompanied by what would soon become an Apple trademark: a brilliant marketing campaign. During the 1984 Super Bowl, Apple aired a now-iconic advert that was directed by Ridley Scott and cost the company a fortune in cash and souls. The ad was entirely incomprehensible, and seemed to suggest that if there were more sporty-looking women with sledgehammers, then nightmarish governments could be defeated.

The ad got everyone talking, nonetheless, and sales shot up, saving the company from the potential bankruptcy caused by the huge cost of the advert. The Macintosh was Apple's first commercial success, putting them firmly on the tech map and raising profits to create their first subsidiary. While Apple wasn't the first company to sell a computer, they were the first to do so with flashy packaging and state-of-the-art branding and marketing.

By 1985 Jobs's behavior had become increasingly erratic, and he was soon cast out in the cold by new Apple CEO John Sculley; in retaliation, Jobs got together his own band of nerds and founded the competing computer company NeXT. Without Jobs, Apple functioned like a fan with the power suddenly shut off: for a few years, it carried on spinning while getting slower and slower, until it finally stuttered to a halt by the early 1990s.

1991–97: Bad times[edit | edit source]

For much of the 1990s, Microsoft pulled ahead of Apple by a margin of 700,000:1.

Yeah. You can see why Apple prefers to forget these years.

1997–2007: Comeback[edit | edit source]

Following six years of decline and misery, Steve Jobs returned to Apple as CEO, making new products again (JUST KIDDING). After rejuvenating the company and making a fortune in their IPO, Jobs directed the company away from computers and into the competitive portable device market, against the sound advice of everyone around him. Those who stayed are now rich and those who left became depressed, overweight couch potatoes.

Jobs conceived the iPod, a portable music player with marginally better sound quality than that of a Walkman. He decided to make the damn thing incompatible with all computers other than Macs and to people to buy from his online music store iTunes, which previously was a free service dedicated to hosting the music stylings of Jobs.

2007–11: World domination[edit | edit source]

Over the next half-decade, working from his ranch in Waco, Texas, Jobs created an ever-more diverse set of instruments, each embodying the spirit of Apple. Each successive device (iPhone 1, 2, 3, and 4S) allowed Apple greater and greater control over its followers.

Finally, in 2011, the Singularity was reached, in which the entire Earth became part of the Whole. Unfortunately, Steve was one of the casualties of the singularity splitting the space-time continuum.

2011–present: Post-Jobs era[edit | edit source]

Distraught at losing their beloved leader, Tim Cock and the rest of Apple's board of directors built the iSteve. iSteve came complete with a bulletproof carbon fibre turtleneck, death ray vision, a flamethrower in his mouth, a coffee dispenser, and a string in his back that when pulled made him say buzzwords like "amazing" and "cool". Still, iSteve could not cut and paste, which nearly blew his cover at a corporate arts-and-crafts function. This was corrected with the iSteve 2, but that died in a failed attempt to run two apps at the same time.

Tim Cock, too lazy to design an iSteve 3, simply became CEO himself. Cock's first act as CEO will be to reinstate Apple's original "fabulous rainbow logo!".

Products[edit | edit source]


~ Apple telling everyone in the building that it is now "on"

By the power invested in Steve Jobs by the capitalist society of America, Apple makes tons of gadgets that have numerous uses. Unlike Microsoft, Apple doesn't condone the use of child labor for the construction of it's electronics. This is not because Steve Jobs is ethical; it's because, as Jobs says: "Children's fingers are too fat!"

This is why Our Lord and Savior Steve Jobs forces fetuses, with their small yet extraordinary nimble fingers, to make his products. Chinese fetuses. On average, the typical Chinese fetus can build twenty iPods during the second trimester. If any babies fail to meet this required minimum, the all-powerful Steve Jobs forces the mother to have a back-alley late-term abortion.

iMac[edit | edit source]

If the iPod is the soul of Apple, its brain is the iMac (even though it is technically just a poncy computer). Just like a brain of a human, the iMac serves no real purpose because doing anything useful on it is overly complex. This is why it is used only by college drunks to edit pictures and videos of themselves partying and having sex in the shopping mall parking lot. It has also not been updated in 3 years.

The brand new Mac Mini with its own serial numbers to identify individual models from each other. It is difficult to find the on switch.

Mac Mini[edit | edit source]

The not-so-long-ago release of the Mac Mini has encountered many problems, including memory loss and compression failure. Apple has recently fixed these problems and hopes to continue selling the Mac Mini after its shaky beginning. Even Bill Gates is recorded as saying "It's even better than the original. It makes me want to get back into the computer industry, and I would in a heartbeat ... if I weren't so busy being retired and donating to charity." It is usually found in a Middle/ High School Computer lab.

Macbook Air[edit | edit source]

The Macbook Air was an incredible experiment in non-existent technical design and the minimalism. These computers were engineered to be as thin as air and dissolve in your hands the moment you picked them up. Apple could offer traditional recipes meeting hi-tech fantasy and an absolute minimum atom count.

The Macbook Air took ten years to produce and were sold out a year before they went on sale. Apple decided to discontinue the Macbook Air, though there are rumours of its reintroduction, as several enthusiastic customers have threatened suicide if the line is permanently discontinued.

This ad campaign was also the brainchild of Steve Jobs. He's the only one at Apple who is allowed to have has ideas.

iPod[edit | edit source]

The iPod was Steve Jobs's brainchild: a mass multi-media storage device that revolutionized the music we listen to. Apple released a version of the iPod in 2006 that was manufactured with bramley apples, but was a flop due to them rotting and was discontinued one month after release.

While most companies try and invent new products to reach new markets, Apple boldly decides to just keep pumping out new variations of the same great taste; these include the iPod Shuffle, the iPod Mini, the iPod Touch, the iPod Mini Shuffle, the iPod Mini Touch, and the iPod Heavy Duty Vinyl Special Edition.

iPhone[edit | edit source]

The iPhone is the first ever potable device that adapts to the needs of customers based on the language they speak, the needs of their working/leisure life, and their ability to process sugar through their pancreas. The iPhone is portable and can be taken anywhere, is durable, and can be placed safely in any pocket and will stay intact, even if dropped from ten meters. It contains more vitamins and minerals than the next two leading telecommunication snacks combined. The phone is not only able to play tunes that soothe an upset stomach, it can also keep a users doctors contact information on hand and call him if they become constipated or turn diabetic.

An uncircumcised iPhone with its foreskin peeled back

iPhone 4S[edit | edit source]

The iPhone 4S is the most complicated and exclusive portable device to reach humanity. It is the equivalent of drinking strawberry champagne while surrounded by anime girls in Heaven, all elegantly placed into an elegant frame. The 4S comes with not only several manuals and various tools to enhance the process, but also a "personal assistant" named Siri, who gives advice on which module of the 4S you should select based on its measurements of your pupils and the status of your eyesight. Siri's best quality is the ability to make your iPhone experience less complicated and more savoury, less rigmarole and more satisfaction.

Those who can afford the iPhone 4S are known to own even three of them, one in their office, one at home and one that their family doesn't even know about. Apple realizes that the iPhone 4S is a source of guilty pleasure and is the secret of the rich and famous. Obama has ten which he taps on when he pulls all-nighters in the oval office.

iPhone 5[edit | edit source]

Originally released by Steve jobs in the Afterlife, the iPhone 5 is fully packed with so many new innovations that it is not even considered hi-tec, but instead transcendent-tec. Its greatest feature is how its onscreen rendering makes apps appear like old analogue gadgets only in digital form. In this way, one can eat any synthetic desert while looking at an image of the real thing.

iPad[edit | edit source]

After the failure of the iPhone, Steve Jobs felt the need to actually be creative for once and dreamed up the "iPad" it would be an electronic tampon of sorts that a woman could use to regulate her cycle, track her fertility, and even use as a mild birth control. In the end however, Jobs thought it would be more fruitful to make the iPad a "giant iPod" because study groups found the original to be too convenient.

Actually the only reason the iPad lacks cell phone functionality is because users would look too stupid, even for an apple fan, holding a big tablet to their ear. Apple fanatics everywhere where shocked in March 2012 when video footage of a man chopping food on an iPad, rinsing it off, and then placing it in a dishwasher hit the internet. Apple fanatics were near suicidal by this sudden turn of events. Those with an I.Q. over 2, however, stated that finally a "legitimate use for the iPad" had been discovered.

Shit from Denmark[edit | edit source]

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Danish↑?

The iDanish was a bold experiment and a new ways of thinking about an old product. How could Apple take a round tin of Danish cookies and make them richer, more efficient, and extra buttery? By compacting a cookies density and cutting them into courageously new shapes, Apple managed to achieve optimal tin space and caloric economy. When Steve Jobs first told the public about the iDanish, no one believed it could be done. No computer manufacturer had ever managed to fit two kilos of condensed cookies into a small tin box, let alone twenty tons of it. Apple achieved its goal in record time and brought brittle cookies into the modern era. Scandinavian desserts became "cool" and the industry never looked back.

iPower adapter (sold separately)[edit | edit source]

Many Apple products feature an extra kewl power adapter. Every time it is plugged into a socket, an electric arc flashes with a menacing bzzt sound. Rumors say that the white flash originated from an engineering fault in an early prototype, but the designers decided it was awesome and added some sci-fi sounds to accompany the flash. Needless to say, the bright electric arc demonstrates ferocity and dangerousness, shaping the product identity of Apple computers.

Popularity[edit | edit source]

The fanbase of Apple is comprised mostly of soul-patch rocking, black sweater-wearing, latte-sipping, bearded college hipsters who will buy an Apple product just because they know it's better than anything else on the market. No matter how poor you claim the graphics card or processor is, the most common argument that the Apple consumer will use against your claim is "The Mac is the best computer ever because the it's a Mac, and as we all know, you can't get viruses on a Mac. Suck it, Windows."

See also[edit | edit source]