User:Orangutang94/Philip Rivers

Orangutang94/Philip Rivers

Rivers right before he and his wife make yet another baby
No. 17
Position:	Quarterback, baby maker, and trash talker, dangnabbit!
Personal information
Born:	(1981-12-08) December 8, 1981 Sweet home Alabama
Height:	6 ft 5 in
Weight:	228 lb of pure joy, rage, and emotion
Career information
High school:	Some football-worshiping place that puts all of its school budget into the game
College:	NC State
NFL Draft:	2004 / Round: 1 / Pick: 4
Career history
New York Giants (one second) San Diego Super Chargers (2004-2016) Los Angeles Heathens (2017-2019) Indianapolis Colts (2020) Making more babies at home and even becoming a grandpa! (2021-2025) Being subject to elder abuse with the Colts (2025)
Career highlights and awards
NFL records: Most babies made, monogamous marriage Least amount of swear words uttered Angriest guy to never swear Best stats to have never played in the Super Bowl
Career NFL statistics
TD–INT:	Good, until it matters 😅
Passing yards:	Yes 😁😏
Completion percentage:	Decent 😏
Passer rating:	Decent 😏
Rushing yards:	HA! 😜🤪
Temper tantrums:	Hoo boy.. 😅
Children:	😃😃
Super Bowls:	>:-( 😤😤
Player stats at NFL.com

Philip Froggin' Michael Dadgum Rivers is a former fluffin' American football quarterback, terrific trash talker, baby hoarder, God-fearin', Pope-hailin', goodie-two-shoes family man, and gosh darn legend who never sniffed or even played for the darn Lombardi Trophy. He spent most of his whole dang career with them San Diego Chargers, even stayin' in good ol' San Diego to continue raisin' his children right when Dean Spanos moved the team two hours north up Interstate 5 to the land of heathens. When he couldn't take it any fluffin' longer, Rivers and his clan migrated east as he got a gig with the Indianapolis Colts for a year, before they rode off into the sunset as he collected them prissy pension checks from the League.

Never one to swear, dangnabbit, Rivers was still one heck of a trash talker off and on the gridiron. In fact, he was one giddy mother-lover who wore his dang emotions on his sleeve one million percent, putting in all the PG-rated substitutes in the world for those baaaaaaad words to either express his radiant joy or blow his gosh-darn top while turning redder than a tomato. Rivers got so many funny faces, in fact, you could send whatever text message y'all want with 'em!

Rivers is also known for having so many fluffin' children he could start a whole dang football team with 'em. This man and his wife are so fertile you could either repopulate earth with them alone, or as them liberal global warming extremists say, bring on "overpopulation" or somethin'. But hey, if he got good seed, then you might as well repopulate the planet with it and let his offspring box out all the bad seed!

Early childhood, dangnabbit

Philip Michael Rivers was born into a gosh darn lovin' Catholic family down in Sweet Home Alabama, bein' taught by his daddy and momma on how to love Jesus, Mary, the Pope, family, and football. You woulda expected the Rivers clan to be Baptist like everyone else in 'Bama, but thaa's kinda funny! Pa and Ma Rivers decided to troll everyone by bein' Catholics instead!

Rivers was so gosh darn good at throwin' the football that he could sling that thing sidearm. He was so good he got all the ladies' attention even as a high school player! But his momma and daddy done taught him right, and Philip put his faith first and worked on his craft before fallin' for those heathen ladies. Even got himself one of them scholar ships or whatever they call 'em, but as one of the best to ever sling the football in Alabama high school football, that "school ship" got him into NC State!

Goin' to fluffin' college

Well, over at NC State, Rivers played some dang good football! His high school sweetheart Tiff, a sweet girl who he met in middle school and shared his love for Jesus, even followed him to college to study.. well, whatever she wanted, cause she was just there to be there with good ol' Phil! And bein' so dang traditional, she was gonna let him take home all the bacon. Whaddya know, Phil and Tiff got married while they were still in college at the ripe ol' age of 19 and 18, then had their first kid one year later 'cause they were so gosh darn horny! Holy moley, they couldn't even drink alcohol unless it was out of a gosh darn communion cup! Is that even legal? Well, down south it is.

Right, and aside from getting married to his middle school sweetheart so dang young it sounds imposturous and mind-blowin' to all them Gen Z'er heathens, what in tarnation did Philip Rivers also do in college? Well, he shattered darn near every school record and had some fluffin' good college stats and made himself blip on the NFL's radar.. but NC State ain't never been invited to the stupid Rose Bowl! What in tarnation was even this college championship system?? It don't even make sense!

Well, Philip Rivers never won a national championship in college, but he didn't care too much. At least not yet.

Playin' in the dang league

"Dangnabbit Eli! I coulda won myself more than your two Super Bowls playin' against this incompetent boob and his overrated squad if y'all let me go to the Giants!"

Rivers did so well, they dang near thought he'd be the top player off the board! But then some feller named Eli Mannin', who apparently was the kid brother to Peyton Manning, decided to be all fussy and didn't wanna go down to San Diego, cause of some stupid urban legend he heard about that town and team. What was it, some guy named Ryan Leaf who was such a douche he flamed out of the league, but it was all San Diego's fault? Or the Chargers franchise bein' cursed or somethin'?

Well, if Eli didn't wanna go down there because of some spooky ghost story, then shoot! Phil Rivers was gonna go down there! What's the worst that could happen? San Diego had that good weather and was a more conservative version of LA, right? Can't be too bad! Phil was gonna make them Chargers proud!

San Diego, part one: warmin' the fluffin' bench

Well hol' up. Rivers ain't gonna start right away due to some quarterback named Drew Brees already bein' there. Some short guy who stank at throwin' the ball? Well, it's only a matter of time before Rivers took over for this fluffin' midget.

Well, sheesh! The midget actually did good this year and the Chargers actually went from worst in the league to pretty darn good! All Rivers had to do was sit tight and chill for a bit. And look at Eli over there with them New York Giants, he fumblin' the ball just by tryin' to throw it! And he lost all the games he started! Who's gonna be the next Ryan Leaf now, you goof?

And shewwwwwwwt, look at that! Brees just blew out his shoulder, maybe he shoulda bulked up a bit more or considered growin' a foot taller! This ain't a league for midgets! They can have 'im down there in 'Nawlins for Hurricane Katrina relief! It's Phil Rivers time in San Diego now!

San Diego, part two: doin' Phil Rivers things

Well, what did Rivers do his first year as a starter? He did pretty dang well! San Diego won 14 games under conservative coach Marty Schottenheimer and Phil Rivers ain't had to do too much, but he did a whole lot better than Eli, Big Ben, and JP Losman! But gah lee, Marty only ever ran the ball, and San Diego fluffin' CHOKED in the darn Divisional round despite a froggin' first round bye because they only ever ran the ball! Get Marty the heck outta town for that!

Then they brought in Norv Turner who allowed Phil Rivers to throw a whole lot more! San Diego made the playoffs the next three years and almost even ended the Patriots' undefeated season in '07! But then Bill Belichick fluffin' cheated and threw a gosh darn banana peel, causin' Rivers to slip and throw a game-endin' pick! GO DING IT!

And y'know who finally ended that undefeated run in the Super Bowl two weeks later? ELI! Good ol' Phil woulda beaten that derp master and gotten San Diego that Lombardi!

Dangnabbit, even Brees just won one down in 'Nawlins!

San Diego, part three: go fluff yourself

Well, after '09, them Chargers stopped makin' the postseason for some odd reason. Ain't Rivers' fault though. For some odd reason, despite all stars like LT, Antonio Gates, some wacko weird stuff keep poppin' up like stupid play calls, the center forgettin' how to snap the ball, the kicker forgettin' how to kick the ball, special teams forgettin' how to special team and bein' quite special, or the worst, some random receiver forgettin' how to catch the ball!

There was even that one time that Rivers played against that heathen Aaron Rodgers. It was a gosh darn good game. Til it wasn't! Somethin' spooky spooked so much the Chargers, well, they Chargered, and Phil Rivers just spazzed on the ground cryin' after that son of a gun scrub receiver who ain't supposed to be on the dang team ran the wrong route and dang near took out Gates and Keenan Allen at the same goshdarn time! What in the Sam Hill was that??

And it kept happenin' over and over and over in 2015! Is San Diego really that cursed?? Maybe it was!

"Dangnabbit, who put my helmet on backwards??"

Gah-lee, will he ever win the big one?

At this rate, no. Sadly, even fluffin' J. P. Losman, who stunk so bad in the NFL, won one in the diddling UFL! GAH-LEE GO DING IT!

Well.. maybe he can finally win one as a coach, but it's ain't the froggin' same!

Personal life, dadgummit

Rivers is still married to Tiff after all these years and they now have a whole school bus full of kids, with even more on the way. And Phil and Tiff are gon' live as long as Methuselah, givin' 'em darn near enough time to repopulate the Earth with Bible-believin' babies five times over! Jesus sure did provide for them a marriage so mind-blowin' it causes darn near every Gen Z heathen to short-circuit. Some of Phil and Tiff's kids even have some of their own kids, and through marryin' so young, too!

Because Phil and Tiff were so froggin' fertile, the US Government offered the Rivers family a boatload of money to resettle in desolate places in the country where ain't nobody havin' kids or even gettin' married the traditional way. They tried to relocate them to West Virginia and even Upstate New York, even gettin' J. D. Vance and the Buffalo Bills involved with the Upstate NY bid. But realizin' his kids would be forced into incest due to the low numbers of Bible-believin' young folk around their age, and also realizin' he'd have to become head coach for the Bills, Rivers declined and decided to stay down south. Sheeeeeeew, could you imagine?

See also, dangnabbit

• Gordon Ramsay, if Philip Rivers were a fluffin' British chef who actually swore
• Emoticon