User:Crazyswordsman/IJesus
iJesus was like, a small Jesus. He was born with a rare case of OMFGShortitis, which left him at only 1 cm tall. He was also the inventor of the spork and the earlobe. He was born in 637 in lands now known as Germany and died in 990 in some mountain or somethin'.
iJesus had the unique ability (given to him by one-legged marcuses) to always see everything 7 seconds after they happen. Thanks to this power, iJesus was credited for helping solve many mysteries that occurred 7 seconds ago and everyone seemed to have completely forgotten about, such as in the Great Chikenogorilla Massacre of 762 and the Mystery of the Giant Lactating Moose-Wheel.
Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for us), Apple Computers has created an upgrade: iJesus 2.0! Quick, order NOW!
Early Life[edit | edit source]
He spent most of his early life working with his father, a guy named Hans, as a German pastry farmer. His mother, a sweet potato, died shortly after budding him when his father mistakenly ate her, thinking she was dinner. His father was charged with Involuntary Potato-Slaughter, but the charges were soon dropped when Canadian scientists proved that no man could resists a gene found in sweet potatoes that made them almost orgasmic when eaten, eh?
Inventions[edit | edit source]
George Douboya Bush[edit | edit source]
This was a complete failure. He made a Texan... and look where we are today - in debt, represented by a guy who can't say nuclear, we have a president that snuggles his cutie pututie doll at night, and we are represented by a Texan. (ummm.. is texas even a state? Wait... no, it's a totally different country.) George Douboya Bush is iBush's twin brother and just like his father George Porgey Douboya H. Bush. George Douboya Bush recently married Britney Spears, claming Who's She? This was iJesus's first and one of many stupid mistakes, including creating Texas and Whitney Housten. Don't even make me start about iJesus's first wife, Queen Latifa.
Spork[edit | edit source]
After graduating from the University for Vertically-Challenged People, iJesus got a job as a fork and spoon packer. Due to his ability to only see things 7 seconds after they happen, he accidentally pushed the fork and spoon dispensers into the nuclear fusion device that his company kept around to do all the nuclear fusing required in making spoons and forks. After realizing what he had done, he acted quickly and was able to stop the device 7 seconds before it would explode. Unfortunately, since he sees things 7 seconds after they occur, he actually did not stop the machine and it blew up, killing everyone in a 12 kilometer radius. Only he survived due to the fact that he had 7 extra seconds to hide from the explosion. The result of the explosion was the creation of the spork, a cross between the spoon and the fork after they are combined through means of nuclear fusion. He became rich off his creation after Taco Bell bought the rights to make the spork for their own for 5 trillion Gourde. Mc Donald's then stole George Douboya Bush's cutie pututie doll so he would file a lawsuit against Taco Bell for stealing their idea. (It never went through though, seeing George Douboya Bush bout a Miss Cabage Patch Kid doll... he favors Cabage Patch Kids more!)
Earlobe[edit | edit source]
The earlobe is regarded as iJesus' greatest invention. As everyone knows, the earlobe is the sole reason that people do not just float off into space. Before iJesus invented the earlobe, people had to rely on a force known as gravity. Due to the fact that gravity was known to give out every so often, people would constantly live in fear of floating off into space the day it happened. Thanks to iJesus' earlobe, people no longer had to rely on gravity and no longer lived in fear of floating off every once in a while. Recently, though, scientists discovered that the rare chemical found in earlobes that kept people planted on earth was the source of 20% of all cancer, 15% of all Sexually transmitted diseases, homosexuality (not proven), the French Revolution (apparently), and maybe even the cause of the Bubonic Plague (it could happen). Just a while ago, gravity was re-instated as a new and improved gravity called G2.0.
Ministry and Death[edit | edit source]
German Minister of Pain (And Other Un-Pleasantries)[edit | edit source]
iJesus ran for Minister of Pain(And Other Un-Pleasantries) in 2637 A.D. for the Das Rammstein League against Germany's former Minister of Pain(And Other Un-Pleasantries), Mecha Ghandi. He was able to win the election after Mecha Ghandi made the mistake of promising free Jews to all the German people. In his inaugural address, iJesus promised that his ministry would provide free cheese pies for everyone!
Death[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, 3 days later, iJesus got into a skiing accident in the Alps. He had apparently jumped from the ski lift 7 seconds too late and fell right into a ravine far below. Luckily (unfortunately, rather), he did not die from the fall, instead he spent the next 14 hours in pain and agony as he slowly died from his injuries. People often asked why he could not be found by the rescue crew. Since he was so small, it was almost impossible to find him in the snow. In fact, it took an entire 60 years to finally locate his remains after endlessly searching for them.
His gravesite is located in his birthplace of the lands now known as Germany. Unfortunately, his father had long since died and his father's land was now owned by a brothel of transvestites. After his body was discovered, he was buried on the land under room 12 of the brothel, which I hear belongs to a German man-hooker named Helga.
iJesus 2.0[edit | edit source]
Fortunately for us, Apple Computers has produced a new and improved version of the iJesus: the iJesus 2.0! For more information, go to its article. Be seeing you!
Lists of all things iJesus[edit | edit source]
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - Euroipods - Neuroipods |
| iDevices: | iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iPoop - iOwa - iRaq - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly - iHop |
| iHardware: | iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y - Mac OS Z |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack |
| iGaming: | iGrievous |
| iOthers: | Apple Store - iFraud - iCult |