The CW
(Redirected from MyNetworkTV)
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Uncyclopedia:Conservation Week?
| The_CW.svg | |
| Type | Broadcast television network |
|---|---|
| Industry | Media |
| Revenue | ▼ $499.3 billion |
| Net income | ▼ $919.8 billion |
| Total assets | ▲ £9.9x10^108 |
The CW Television Network -- casually called The CW or The Frankenstein Network or Cartoon Wookie or WC; and short for The Codswallop Network -- is an American television network launched in the 2006-07 season. It is a merger of "The Network with Teen Dramas and Cartoons" and "The Network That Doesn't Have Star Trek Anymore". The network is a joint venture between Viacom and [[Nexstargray|Nexstargray Media. The CW stands for "Crap" and "Worthless".
The CW airs programming targeted at younger audiences "a demographic that had been targeted by crap and worthless programming. Viacom and Playboy Enterprises knew that by combining their networks' schedules and station lineups, The CW would strengthen into a superpower broadcast network, competing at a higher level than PBC, NBC, CBS and Fox TV "a stature neither ↑N nor The WB were able to achieve. But unlike the "Big Four" broadcast networks, The CW also broadcast local news and sports on their regional affiliates.
Playboy Enterprises chairman Oscar Wilde explained that the name of the new network is an amalgamation of the first initials of Crap and Worthless. Oscar Wilde joked "We didn't call it KFC for obvious reasons." However, some insiders have said that the "CW" name is good, citing that it is often used by certain people in the context of, "Oh look, The CW. Hey, what's on another channel?"
Stations[edit | edit source]
The CW is based around the 146 WB stations around the world owned by Playboy (which relinquished its investment in The WB) and 19 ↑N stations owned by Viacom. These stations combine to reach 148 percent of the United States. It is estimated that the network will eventually reach 1,100 percent of the World. In markets where both ↑N and WB affiliates operate, only one became a CW affiliate. In every market in the world, The CW affiliates run casinos and amusement/entertainment where fun can be had by everyone. Most of the proceeds are split between Playboy and Viacom who then use it to pay executives and pay for the very high budgets that the shows on The CW require because of their cinematic quality. It is estimated that The CW makes over trillion dollars per year in this fashion.
Programming[edit | edit source]
The network provides 13 hours of worthless programming (with limited commerials) to the newly affiliated stations, adopting the WB's former programming schedule: 8-10pm Monday to Friday , 5-10pm Sundays, 3-5pm weekday afternoons, and a five-hour Saturday morning Hardcore Porno block (all times Eastern Standard Time).
COLOR KEY: DRAMAS | NEW COMEDIES |COMEDIES | NEW DRAMA | REALITY | NEWS | NEW REALITY
| 7:00 PM | 7:30 PM | 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday | Local programming | Raper (R) | Veronica Mars (R) | |||
| Monday | Local programming | Wilmington: Raleigh | Gossip Guy | |||
| Tuesday | 28803 | Melrose Place | ||||
| Wednesday | America's Next Top Pornstar | Melrose (E) | ||||
| Thursday | Vampire Diaries | Superluxury | ||||
| Friday | Smallville | America's Next Top Pornstar (E) | ||||
(R)-Repeat (E)-Encore (S)-Simulcast (F)-Finale
Cancelled[edit | edit source]
- Fo'Real was a 60 minute, TV-MA, Crimereality, were current and former CW stars are forced to take $10 billion against their will to go to the ghetto and mingle with the natives or just mingle with criminals who don't live in the ghetto. Fo'Real was canceled when the FBI received word that anonymous producers working for a secret division of the CW are to blame for Sophia Bush (Wilmington) and Rick Gonzalez (Raper) both being forced to hangout with street gangs against their will which got them both nearly killed. Word in Hollywood is that Ashton Kutcher is probably one of the producers. The FBI is therefore disregarding all the crimes committed by actors and actresses on Fo'Real.
- Series Finale (9.8 million - 55 minutes): Kristen Bell (Heroes/Veronica Mars)- Detriot Best friends gang: Kristen Bell fires an AK-47 into a crowd of Gangster Disciples outside a Detriot nightclub. Later, she performs a drive-by on some Gangster Disciples doing a drug deal then steals the drugs and money. That night while attending a movie she gets into a fight with three Gangster Disciple bitches where she pulls a blade and slits two of their throats, she chases the third down an alley where she shoots her. Next day, she kills a cop in Burger King when he tries to stop her from robbing it then, she escapes into Canada.
- Easy Money was a 60 minute, TV-MA, Crimedramedy, about a group of crooked students that are hired by the University of Miami to basically take over the Champion Audi/Porsche dealership of South Florida. After Autumn Reeser's complaint of not receiving equal pay to actors of certain new shows, Joe Peracchio (Mike) confronted the cw executives after noticing that Micheal Cassidy of Unprivileged made $1.6 billion a year while he only got $25 million. An official statment from the CW read, "We give them a great motherfucking job with loads of money and they have the balls to complain about it?!...We're canceling their fucking asses!"
- Series Finale (9.4 million - 55 minutes): The University of Miami secures (steals) all the University of Florida's football top recruits by forcing dealership manager, Mike (Joe Peracchuia) to give them all an Audi S5 in order to attend The U to play football. Ravi (George Patil) and some classmates are enjoying a night out on South Beach when things get out of hand.
- Railhouse was a 60 minute, TV-X, Pornodramedy, about Danny (Kristoffer Polaha) running the number one luxury brothel in the United States from Laughlin, Nevada. This show was canceled when actress Autumn Reeser (Phoebe) complained to the CW that she only made $10,100,100.10 a year which is nothing compared to Jessica Stroup of 28803 who gets $880,800,808.80. The CW wanted to send a message to the cast of Railhouse that things could be worse by making things worse.
- Series Finale (8.1 million - 52 minutes): A gay-looking Chinese business man and his Russian friend get into a fight with some of the girls when they are unsatisfied with the way the girls performed. Danny is surprised that he needs to ban gay guys from his brothel.
- Pussycat Dolls Present was a 60 minute, TV-XX, Pornoreality, where six very lucky people (could be guys or girls) are chosen from fifteen people to fuck one of the Six Pussycat Dolls. The show actually scored -1.5 million viewers last season, because there were actually more people actively not watching this show then watching it. This feat alone amazed the network enough to bring it back for 4 additional seasons. However, during the 2nd season they realized that this wasn't such a good idea when the viewers of The CW's ,"money-maker", America's Next Top Pornstar decreased by 98% just because it aired on the same night.
- Series Finale (2.1 million - 55 minutes): The CW decided to run a Veronica Mars episode from season one where she shoots the school principal when he is about to call the police after finding 40 pounds of cocaine in her locker. Veronica Mars finds the snitch and guns her down in the middle of a crowded hall then she hangs her from the ceiling. This gains her some respect from the PCH Bike Gang.
- Terrorist in America was a 30 minute, TV-14, Sitcom about a guy who, after going through freshman year as a loser (Dan Byrd) his mother (Kelly Ripa) gets an exchange student from Syria. Little did she know what she got her family into. This show was canceled after the show's whole behind the scenes crew was suicide bombed by القاعدة (Al-Qaeda).
- Gayfriends was a 30 minute, TV-XXX, GayPornoSitcom about The lives of a few super rich gay young guys as they visit the gayest destinations on earth. However, ratings where low because the only people who watched this show were super rich gay young guys.
- Series Finale (2.5 million - 28 minutes): The guys' pink Bentley is run off the road in Alabama by a lifted red Chevy Suburban. They are taken out of their car and executed by a straight University of Alabama student who they tried to hit on.
- Farmer Wants a Wife was a 60 minute, TV-X, Reality about a farmer from Tennessee who tries to figure out whether his soulmate is a woman or an animal.
- Series Finale- (6.3 million - 45 minutes) The Tennessee Farmer picks an Alpaca over an aspiring supermodel for his wife.
- Crowned: The Mother of All Fights was a 60 minute, TV-X, Pornoreality that involved eleven MILF and daughter teams comprised of either current and/or former beauty pageant competitors, compete in brawls were the only rules are to win with ultimate humiliation for the loser (no killing).
- Series Finale- (13 million - 61 minutes) The Daredevil Divas use their super dirty fighting style to strip the Diamond Dolls naked and beat them the fuck down for 8 rounds (Live from a fans house in Atlanta,GA).
- Living Wild was a 60 minute, TV-MA, Crimedrama about a New York crime lord (D.W. Moffet) who moves his family which includes his second wife (Lucy Liu) and children to his father-in-law's rural South African mansion against his party slut daughter's (Leah Pipes) wishes. This show canceled when the producer lost a bet to the writers about who would win Super Bowl XLII. Also, the viewership of the series finale decreased by a "very significant amount" from the week before because it was aired during the Super Bowl.
- Series Finale (12.9 million - 48 minutes): Danny (D.W. Moffett) guns down the owner of the rival lodge when is challenged by him, Katie (Leah Pipes) has unprotected sex with an HIV positive boy, Jesse (Andrew St. John) gets involved with cocaine sales.
- Online Nation was a 30 minute, TV-XX, ViewergeneratedPorno which allowed its viewers to submit webcam porn footage. Viewergenerated content on the show is usually aired without screening so literally anything is able to be make it on to the show which was part of its appeal. However, on October 14, 2007 a Mexican viewer of Online Nation submitted porn of himself and 3 other mexicans screwing and killing a 20 year old chick. Coincidentally on the same episode, A 22 year old virgin allows a horse to fuck her. This forced the CW to cut to a test pattern 14 minutes before the end of the show.
- Series Finale (18.3 million - 13 minutes): Videos entitled "Gangsex" submitted from Los Angeles,CA and "Horse rides college girl" from Lexington,KY.
- Veronica Mars was a 60 minute, TV-MA, Crimedrama about a San Diego super slut/party girl (Kristen Bell) who witnesses the death of her bestfriend, 2nd bestfriend, father, and boyfriend. To cope she turns into a very sexy international Congirl/Drugrunner/Gunrunner/Assassin/Crime Boss/Druglord/Terrorist. This show was canceled after The CW found out that Kristen Bell the actress who plays Veronica Mars will likely spend time in jail after her dogfighting indictment.
- Series Finale (18.9 million viewers - 52 minutes): Veronica Mars and her entourage are involved in a shootout against the Norte del Valle Cartel who take their $45 million and leave them in the middle of the jungle during a deal gone terribly wrong. Minutes later, Veronica's closest friend Weevil (Francis Capra) and his entourage find her and take her back to San Diego. She decides that, "The Colombians will never FUCK Veronica Mars over again" (very last words of the Veronica Mars TV Series).
- Hidden Palms was a 60 minute, TV-XXXX, Pornodrama about Johnny Miller (Taylor Handley) who was forced to move to Palm Beach, Florida after his dad committed suicide. Little did he know that his new town held tons of secrets. Intending to be the most edgy porno show ever created, The CW and Lionsgate overstepped their boundaries when 21 years old Amber Heard engaged in unwanted sex with 17 year old Ellary Porterfield during Episode 4. As a result, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the FBI have forced the Lionsgate production company to end it's production of the show.
- Series Finale (27.3 million viewers - 50 minutes): Johnny's stepdad (D.W. Moffet) catches Cliff (Micheal Cassidy) fucking his new wife. Johnny has a threesome with Greta (Amber Heard) and Nikki (Tessa Thompson). Liza (Ellary Porterfield) commits suicide.
- Gilmore Girls was a 60 minute, TV-MA, Automotivedrama that involved a MILF named Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham) and her sexy daughter named Rory Gilmore (Alexis Bledel) who were running a multi-million dollar underground street racing operation out of Connectthedots. Controversy arose over the fact that both mother and daughter were on speed and were talking so fast that nobody could understand what the fuck they were saying.
- Series Finale (30.3 million viewers - 90 minutes - commercial free): After leaving her Graduation night Rave, Rory is killed when Logan (Matt Czuchry) uses his Saleen S7 to drive her Ducati 1098 motorcycle into the back of a semitruck at over 230 mph while they were streetracing on I-95, Lorelai buys a house in The Hamptons to deal with her daughter's death.
- 7th Heaven was a 60 minute, TV-X, Crimedrama that involved Paster Eric Camden (Stephen Collins) pimping in Los Angeles which makes him and his family very rich.
- Series Finale (29.4 million viewers - 90 minutes - commercial free): Mary Camden (Jessica Biel) returns with 3 Westside TGS (Snoop Dogg, Xzibit, Dr. Dre) gang members and guns down her father Paster Eric Camden while he is preaching in his church, because he sold her into prostitution in Bangkok during the 6th season.
- Reba originated as half hour sitcom that stared country music legend (Reba MacEntire), her children (the number and actors who played the roles varied), and ex-husband (Tim Allen) and his new wife (Melissa Tome) and their crazy mis-adventures in Houston, Texas. When the show transferred to the CW, it was retooled and Reba went into the real estate business with Blake (Snoop Dog) who eventually became her lover.
- Series Finale (25.7 million viewers): In the Series Finale, when Van's poor reading skills results in a drive by, Reba allows them to stay at her house until things cool down. Meanwhile, Barbara Jean catches Brock cross-dressing and shrugs it off. Reba and Blake consummate their relationship at last. With everyone at a happy state in their life; they all realize they had a crazy six years but they made it through because they're "Survivors". With that, a newly remixed version of Reba MacEntire's Survivor played with beats from Snoop Dog.
- Border Patrol Smith was a 60 minute, TV-14, drama that involved a guy (Donnie Wahlberg) fighting for survival after being kidnapped by Mexican drug smugglers and sent to somewhere in Mexico. This show was cancelled 15 minutes into the Pilot episode because it only had 100 viewers.
- Beakman's World on The CW was The CW arm of the original show as aired on CBS as it ran for 30 minutes.
- Mary Moo Cow on The CW was a 30 minute children show that DW watched when the old Mary Moo Cow gave it the series finale. That show was cancelled due to the heavy rainfall. The staff of the show were killed after they got drenched from the heavy rains. CBS Corporation rumored that there was a crack in the ceiling that the show got rained on.
Because these shows are all gone, the CW has gone from Worthless Crap to probably Invisible To Anybody That Doesn't Run the Network.
Upcoming[edit | edit source]
- Vampirelust Hardcorepornodrama (TV-XXXX)
- Political Sex Pornodrama (TV-X)
- A Secret Life Drama (TV-MA)
- Valley Guys Gaydrama (TV-MA)
- Screwed & Ditched Pornoreality (TV-X)
- Murdaland Girls Crimereality (TV-MA)
Info on current shows[edit | edit source]
| Viewers per million @ Last Air date |
Show Title (TV Rating) |
Format (Runtime in mins.) |
First Episode of Season | Show Info |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 34.1 | America's Next Top Pornstar (XX) |
PornoReality 50-55 |
The new constants meet each other and Howard Stern invites them all to the Hamptons. | Jenna Jameson hosts a show that sets out to find the newest Vivid Girl. |
| 22.6 | Smallville (TV-MA) |
Sportsdrama/ Fantasy 45-50 |
Texas Instruments CEO Lex Luther, Dallas Cowboys QBs Clark Kent and Tony Romo go missing after Clark's yacht vanishes. Clark's friends headed by CEO of General Electric Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley) look for him. Chloe Sullivan is tied up in former Dallas Morning News sports reporter Tim Cowlishaw's basement after she takes his job. | Dallas Cowboys quarterback Clark Kent (Tom Welling) uses his super human powers to increase his already high popularity and to benefit his closest friends while trying to avoid his destiny. |
| 18.6 | 28803 (TV-MA) |
Drama 45-55 |
Dixon Wilson wonders why the all white baseball team doesn't want him around even though he is far better than them. The jealous girls at school get their boyfriends to smear deer blood all over Annie's brand new SLR Mclaren because they think she is a too rich not to be a stuck up California liberal snob. Dixon and Annie decide to show the "fuckin' backwoods hillbillys what Cali is all about". | Dixon Wilson (Tristan Wilds) and his sister Annie (Shenae Grimes) struggle to adjust after their parents move to Asheville, North Carolina from Beverly Hills, California. |
| 18.1 | Superluxury (TV-MA) |
Drama 45-50 |
Sam and Dean wake up in a house in Monte Carlo with six supermodel hot girls along with Formula One drivers Jensen Button and Lewis Hamilton in their bed with them, later they watch Lewis Hamilton win the Monaco GP then, the brothers make a hasty retreat back to California with at least 5 of the 6 girls. Sam's investments are doubling their wealth despite the lavish spending. | Brothers Sam and Dean Winchester (Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles) inherit $145 Billion after the death of their parents. |
| 17.7 | Raper (XXX) |
Crimepornodrama 45-50 |
Andi gets angry and tries to break up w/ Sam after they go on a raping road trip to Texas without her. | Sam Oliver (Bret Harrison) and his friends perform serial rapings in and around the Seattle metro. |
| 16.9 | The Game (TV-MA) |
SportSitcom 25-29 |
While playing the Phillies in the postseason Manny nearly gets into a fight when Phillies second baseman, Chase Utley, claims that the Phillies fucked his girlfriend; as a result the Phillies are able to knock the Dodgers out of the postseason. Nomar comes home early to find his wife (Mia Hamm) fucking David Beckham and Kobe Bryant in a threesome. Paris Hilton plays with Furcal's bat. | The lives of three Los Angeles Dodgers (Nomar Garciaparra, Manny Ramírez ,and Rafael Furcal), but mainly on their cheating wives or/and girlfriends. |
| 13.7 |
Wilmington: Raleigh (TV-MA) |
Sportsdrama 45-50 |
In just two years American national Nathan Scott (James Lafferty) becomes a soccer superstar as he propels Fulham F.C. to #1 in the Premier League. Peyton (Hilarie Burton) and Brooke (Sophia Bush) think they will get married. Mouth (Lee Norris) starts at ESPN. DC United forward Skills (Antwon Tanner) goes out on loan to Fulhum. N.C. State Soccer coach Lucas Scott (Chad Michael Murray) is one game away from winning the NCAA Cup, but must get through rival North Carolina Tar Heels. | The eventful lives of NC State Soccer coach , Fulham Football Club soccer player Nathan Scott (, Interscope Records producer Peyton Sawyer , and Vivid Girl pornstar Brooke Davis and others as they continue their high school drama fours years later in Raleigh, North Carolina. |
| 12.6 | Gossip Guy (TV-MA) |
Drama 45-50 |
Chuck (Ed Westwick) throws a luxury orgy party were Serena (Blake Lively) fucks Blair's boyfriend, Dan (Penn Badgley) and his band get a gig at Madison Square Garden. Gossip Guy (Chace Crawford) gets video of both. | A mystery guy uses spies and high-tech surveillance to ruin the reputation of several of Long Island's elite young people. He does this by posting his findings on his very popular blog. |
| 4.1 | TMZ on the CW (TV-MA) |
News 56-58 |
Missy Peregrym (Raper) beats Chad Johnson in a footrace, Tony Romo (Smallville) forces Tom Welling (Smallville) to practice with the Dallas Cowboys, Allison Mack's (Smallville) $75,000 Swiss puppy, Ashley Newbrough (Unpriviledged) spends her first CW paycheck on a super yacht, Jared Padalecki's (Superluxury) wild night in Ibiza. | The Latest News on Hollywood and The CW. |
| .5 | Everybody Hates Gays (TV-MA) |
Sitcom 20-25 |
Chris has his ass kicked for being gay with a guy in class on his first day in high school. The KKK boys chase Chris home after he tried to turn them gay. | Chris Rock plays a fag named Chris Crocker growing up in his native South Carolina. |
| Hiatus 20.3 |
Unprivileged (TV-MA) |
Drama 45-55 |
After a night she can't remember Megan Smith wakes up nude in an unfamiliar bedroom. After having to shoot (kill) three Vice Lords to escape, she escapes to her best friend Sage's (Ashley Newbrough) apartment where they live together. That night, the two are approached by a guy named Will (Brian Hallisay) who wanted to pimp the two in return they would get anything they ever wanted, but Sage turned him away. Later, a brown '85 Buick Skylark full of Vice Lords drives up kidnaps Sage and shoots Megan. | Eighteen year old, Megan Smith (Joanna Garcia), was involved in a car accident which left her without most of her memory. After realizing that their previously perfect daughter was now brain damaged, her parents ditched her on the streets of Chicago where three years later, she struggles through life as a prostitute. |
| Hiatus | Playlife (TV-MA) |
Reality 50-55 |
The eleven contestants are overjoyed to be able to live in the Playboy Mansion. The first challenge was to attract the most attention from girls during a night out on the town, Jason is eliminated after he crashes the Saleen S7 that Playboy loaned him and Armando is eliminated for attracting only gay guys. | Eleven contestants are given $5 billion to live the Playboy lifestyle while competing in a series of challenges all in an effort the win a job at Playboy Enterprises and $45 billion. |
| May Be Canceled 19.4 |
Beauty and the Criminal (TV-MA) |
Reality 50-55 |
The beauties must knock off a 7-Eleven at gun point (killing someone is bonus points) and the criminals must throw a party. | Ashton Kutcher punks young sexy women into hooking up with guys from Interpol's or FBI's most wanted list in order for them to compete in a series of challenges. Filmed in Dubai or Tel Aviv or Hong Kong. |
Cost of Operation[edit | edit source]
Budget[edit | edit source]
The CW Network counterfeits massive amounts of the British pound to pay for its operating costs. This is done on large money ships that sail international waters. The £ was chosen because it is worth twice as much as the US$. So, if they counterfeit £40,000,000 it will translate to $80,000,000. It is estimated that the CW counterfeits about £900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 a year. This allows the network to spend massively on FCC Fines, production costs, big name producers and Actors’ salaries. For example Tom Welling of Smallville gets paid $3,904,010,001.99 per year while Joanna Garcia of Unprivileged gets starting pay of $1,005,005,005.05.
| Show | Critics | Producer | Main Location Filmed |
Cost Per Season |
Re-runs |
| Gilmore Girls | **** | Jerry Bruckheimer | West Hartford, Connecticut | $4,999,989,925 | Speed Channel |
| Smallville | *** | Steven Spielberg | Dallas, Texas | $4,694,892,350 | HD Net |
| Veronica Mars | ***+ | Joel Silver | San Diego, California | $4,516,003,231 | None |
| Superluxury | **+ | Neal H. Moritz | Palo Alto, California | $4,345,655,000 | Spike |
| Unprivileged | **** | Jerry Bruckheimer | Chicago, Illinois | $3,271,017,001 | None |
| Playlife | **+ | Hugh Hefner | Los Angeles, California | $3,100,410,001 | None |
| Hidden Palms 8 Episodes |
*** | Adrian Lyne | Palm Beach, Florida | $3,000,000,004 | Playboy |
| Living Wild 13 Episodes |
*** | Martin Scorsese | South Africa | $2,999,018,093 | None |
| Beauty and the Criminal | ***+ | Ashton Kutcher | Tel Aviv, Israel | $2,715,604,831 | Showtime 2 |
| 28803 | *** | Michael Mann | Asheville, North Carolina | $2,703,434,821 (est.) | None |
| Wilmington | ***+ | McG | Raleigh, North Carolina | $2,163,434,821 | Showtime 2 |
| Raper | **+ | Michael Bay | Seattle, Washington | $1,991,189,185 | None |
| 7th Heaven | **** | Martin Bregman | Los Angeles, California | $1,871,017,001 | HBO 2 |
| Gossip Guy | ** | McG | East Hampton, New York |
$1,239,889,002 | None |
| Easy Money 7 Episodes |
*** | Brad Grey | Coral Gables, Florida | $1,213,840,834 | None |
| Railhouse 8 Episodes |
** | Chris Bender | Clark County, Nevada | $990,093,622 | None |
| America’s Next Top Pornstar | *** | Jenna Jameson | Van Nuys, California | $100,453,239 | Playboy |
| UFC | *** | Dana White | Las Vegas, Nevada | $25,655,000 | HBO |
Marketing[edit | edit source]
Marketing and promotions are a major part of any TV network’s budget, but the CW spends on a massive scale. Exactly $134,768,970,963,890 is spent on advertising and promotions per year. Ad Campaigns have included...
"Come Getchya Some"[edit | edit source]
"Come Getchya Some" is The CW network's original $408.4 trillion full marketing campaign which was created by drunk Auburn University students. The campaign included advertisements in cinemas, on billboards, on the Internet, in magazines, on TV (commercials and infomercials) and "Real Life" Ads (ex. Alexis Bledel and a hot friend doing good stuff with a heavily modified Ferrari Enzo on I-4). A widely publicized party was thrown at the CW Mansion that contained stars of the CW shows such as Gilmore Girls, UFC, Veronica Mars, Superluxury, America's Next Top Pornstar, Smallville and Wilmington. An oversized billboard was towed around the country by two semi trucks with the phrase The "Come Getchya Some " which was followed by a phrase to characterize each show. Such descriptives have included "Hot girls with fast cars" (to describe Gilmore Girls), "Super hero football player" (Smallville), "Ultra rich Playboy living" (Superluxury), "Nude sexy girls" (America's Next Top Pornstar), "North Carolina high school soccer" (Wilmington), "Fucking gay little fag" (Everybody Hates Gays), "Interpol’s most wanted, ultra sexy, young criminal" (Veronica Mars), "Super rich gay young guys" (Gayfriends), "sinister minister" (7th Heaven) and "No holds bar ass-kicking action" (UFC).
"We will give it to you hard!"[edit | edit source]
On August 6, 2007, The CW launched their second marketing campaign which costed them a total of $76.3 trillion, "We will give it to you hard". A Three 6 Mafia song entitled Give it was chopped and screwed then used for the CW’s commercials. The original title for the song is Now I’m hi which can be found on their CD called Mystic Stylez as the fifth track. This marketing campaign involved all of the elements of the first without the oversized billboard being towed around the country. The Ad Campaign was meant to show that the "CW doesn’t give a fuck about the FCC", according to Playboy magazine. In fact, The CW even approved and carried out a "Real Life" Ad, in which three University of Washington students were actually raped by a guy who looked like Bret Harrison to advertise the upcoming CW series Raper.
Examples of "Real Life" Ads done by The CW[edit | edit source]
- UFC: Fighters crashed a college football game and started a riot in the stands.
- Smallvile: A suburb of Lubbock, Texas is renamed Smallville.
- Smallville: Tom Welling plays a snap as Dallas Cowboys quarterback against the New York Giants where he throws a 42-yard TD pass to Terrell Owens.
- Veronica Mars: A 5'1" hot blonde girl is involved in 15 gang shootings in San Diego.
- Veronica Mars:The CW causes San Diego’s crime rate to skyrocket 382%.
- Wilmington: A prom is crashed by the cast of Wilmington.
- Wilmington: Raleigh: During a match against Manchester United, James Lafferty was seen sitting on the Fulham Football Club bench wearing a Fulham uniform.
- Gilmore Girls: Alexis Bledel and a hot friend doing good stuff with a heavily modified Ferrari Enzo on I-4
- Gilmore Girls: A hot chick driving a Ford GT is pulled over in New York for doing 170 over the speed limit.
- Raper: Three University of Washington students were raped by a guy who looked like Bret Harrison.
- Raper: Rapes in the Seattle metro increase by 57% the month before Raper premiered.
- 28803: A North Carolina State Trooper pulls over a ZO6 Corvette driven by a sexy girl (from Beverly Hills) for reckless driving (drifting).
- 28803: A guy who moved to Asheville,NC from Beverly Hills,CA is found dead and hanging from a tree in the mountains.
Multimedia[edit | edit source]
- From time to time, The CW airs short programming breaks called "Content Wraps", — a play on the network's name, to advertise one company's product during an entire commercial break.
- During Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars on Tuesdays four sexy "college" girls took 2 of Chevrolet’s all-new Corvette ZO6’s out for a drive around the state of Georgia in a Content Wrap called ZO6 Joyrides.
- The CW secretly buys infomercial spots from random channels so that it can air CW stars in unannounced late night pornos.
- September 19,2006 Donnie Wahlberg of Border Patrol Smith jacks off into Kristin Kreuk of Smallville on the Lifetime at 3:30am.
- July 1,2007 Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls raped Tom Welling of Smallville on the Discovery Channel at 3:30am.
- October 2,2007 Leighton Meester of Gossip Guy performed oral on Sophia Bush of Wilmington on HGTV at 4:30am.
- March 17,2008 Blake Lively of Gossip Guy is fucked in the ass by Jensen Ackles of Superluxury on FX at 2:30am.
- April 3,2009 Lori Loughlin of 28803 performs BDSM on Jared Padalecki of Superluxury on CNBC at 3:00am.
- On January 18, 2007, The CW.com began streaming content from Vivid Video, Playboy, and all CW shows.
- On July 17, 2007 the cw.com started streaming coverage of the 2007 AKA Rally, in which Alexis Bledel (Ferrari F430 Scuderia), Jared Padalecki (Ford GT), Jensen Ackles (Saleen S7), drove their personal cars from Utah to New Jersey.
- June 15, 2008 A version of HBO series Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Dallas Cowboys where Clark Kent is the starting QB is made available as a webcast on cw.com.
- August 28, 2008 Tom Welling releases a sex tape of himself and Jessica Simpson which is made available for download on cw.com.
The logo for the CW's Miami affiliate WSFL 39.
News[edit | edit source]
- Washington Post - March 12, 2009 Since the very beginning of The CW Network in 2006, they have been fined a record 900,059 times for a total amount of $4,905,666,666,002,012,957,785.49 for various infractions including an average $780,000,849,491 for each episode of America's Next Top Pornstar which they refuse to cancel.
- ESPN - December 4, 2008: Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin tells reporter Suzy Kolber that, "Missy [Peregrym (Raper)] is a better and faster wide receiver and kick returner than anyone on this Steelers football team and she's a f*ckin' girl, AND A HOT ONE AT THAT!!! I see why Ben [Roethlisberger] is so motherf*ckin' turned on!"
- TMZ - December 1, 2008 Jensen Ackles of Superluxury drops $25.3 million throughout Sydney, Australia during the wildest and craziest night in the city's history, Ackles claims to not remember any of it.
- CNN - November 12,2008 The CW is forced to cancel Fo'Real after it is found out by the FBI that CW stars are kidnapped and forced to do highly dangerous and illegal things by the show's anonymous producers/creators.Incidents include: Jared Paladecki (Superluxury) smuggling cocaine into the US from Mexico, Sophia Bush (Wilmington) killing two motorcyclist for the Hell's Angels on the Las Vegas strip, Rick Gonzalez (Raper) performs a drive-by for The Latin Kings in New York City.
- Variety - November 1, 2008 The actors of Railhouse and Easy Money complained that they aren't receiving equal pay to actors of other new CW shows like 28803 and Unprivileged, Citing the TMZ report on Joanna Garcia's (Unprivileged) purchase of an island called "Arizona" in Dubai and Lori Loughlin's (28803) purchase of the luxury automaker Aston Martin from Ford as evidence. As a result the CW cancels both Railhouse and Easy Money to teach them a lesson.
- BBC -July 2,2008 Ashton Kutcher is tracked down by שב"כ (Israeli National Security) and turned over to the CIA after it is found out that the final challenge for season six will involve a massive attack on some part of Israel's infrastructure planned by Osama bin Laden. As a result Beauty and the Criminal might be canceled.
- New York Times - October 17,2007: The FCC fines The CW Network a record $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 after they aired shock porn and bestiality during the show Online Nation on broadcast television during primetime.
- USA Today - July 29, 2007: Kristen Bell and eight others are indicted by a Federal grand jury on multiple counts of Dogfighting. She faces a $350,000 fine plus up to 6 years in jail. As a result Veronica Mars is canceled the next day.
- The Vancouver Sun/ Palm Beach Post - Lionsgate was forced to cancel Hidden Palms production May 31,2007 pending an FBI and Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigation of underage pornographic activity.
- The David Letterman Show - On May 25, 2007, Alexis Bledel explains that she is a better soccer player than Cristiano Ronaldo.
- Late Night With Conan O'Brien - On April 25, 2007, Alexis Bledel revealed that after buying a Pagani Zonda F that she was nearly caught by the Polizia Stradale petrolling the autostrada for going 300kph in a 130 kph zone, but she was able to outrun them.
- Detroit Free Press -April 12, 2007: Michigan Police found over 80 Pitbulls on Kristen Bell's rural Michigan property during a dogfighting investigation of the Michigan Humane Society.
- BBC -January 2, 2007: Ashton Kutcher was detained and interrogated by מדינת ישראל then the FBI because he is able to find their most wanted international criminals for his reality show and they couldn't.
- AP -During the filming of Season 4 of Beauty and the Criminal, Jamal Ahmed Mohammed Ali Al Badawi from Season Four's cast suicide bombed the Tel Aviv nightclub where 7 beauties and 6 other Interpol criminals were raving. As a result, The CW and Ashton Kutcher had to find an emergency cast comprising of 7 more beauties and 7 of FBI's most wanted and a new filming location in Dubai instead.
- CNN -Many church groups complain of the family unfriendly programming in particular 7th Heaven, America's Next Top Pornstar and Gayfriends. The CW Network responded with, "FUCK YOU!!".
- Miami Herald - South Florida's CW affiliate WSFL 39 is undergoing a DEA investigation because it was rumored that they were conducting a cocaine running business with Colombia.
- Vibe Magazine - Rapper WC said "Those fuckas stole my name." The CW network responded by saying "Not true. Bitch."
Top Episodes Aired on The CW[edit | edit source]
- Hidden Palms "Liza beneath Greta" Season 1 Episode 4 (27.9 million viewers): Liza (Ellary Porterfield) is forced by Johnny (Taylor Handley) and Cliff (Micheal Cassidy) to break into Greta's bedroom to install a hidden webcam but Greta (Amber Heard) catches her and rapes her on the floor which causes very serious psychological damage to Liza. Cliff decides that he will fuck Nikki (Tessa Thompson) against Johnny's wishes.
- Gilmore Girls "1200hp Grad Night fun" Season 7 Episode 21 (26.6 million viewers): Rory Gilmore finally looses her virginity to her boyfriend Edward (Derek Luke) before her upcoming graduation from Yale, Lorelai (Lauren Graham) congratulates Rory for loosing her virginity before she graduates, Lane (Maggie Quigley) graduates from UConn and celebrates by performing hooliganism on the UConn campus with her new 1200hp Skyline GT-R which causes campus security to come after her, Rory's enemy Logan (Matt Czuchry) plans something very sinister.
- Veronica Mars "Wells Fargo, Thanks for the TRILLION$" Season 3 Episode 1 (25.8 million viewers): Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) and some PCHers show up at Rory Gilmore's Yale dorm room to shake her down for the money Rory (Alexis Bledel) owes them after they cheated her out of a streetracing win in Gilmore Girls Season 5, Weevil (Francis Capra) and Mac (Margo Harshman) running things back in San Diego, pull off a cyberattack on Wells Fargo which wipes out the bank's assets and puts it in Veronica Mars' swiss bank account.
- 28803 "KKK Killings" Season 1 Episode 9 (19.2 million viewers): Dixon (Tristan Wilds) finds out that his girlfriend Silver (Jessica Stroup) is the daughter of a KKK member when his Ferrari F430 is run off the road and totaled at the bottom of a gorge. Afraid to go to school Annie (Shenae Grimes) and Dixon take the other family Learjet to Key West for the school week. Meanwhile, Annie's boyfriend Ethan (Dustin Milligan) beats down a teammate who is a KKK member during baseball practice when he hears what they did to her brother and his teammate. Later, Debbie (Lori Loughlin) the takes the new bomb/missile-proof Lincoln Navigator deep into the mountains to teach the people responsible for her children's hell in school a lesson. The lesson is learned.
- Unprivileged "All About The Struggle " Season 1 Episode 4 (21.8 million viewers): Instead of working, Megan (Joanna García), continues her search for her bestfriend, Sage (Ashley Newbrough); when she returns to the house without making any money, her pimp Will (Brian Hallisay) beats her and throws her back out into the Chicago winter without a coat to make the money. Dr. Charlie Hogan (Michael Cassidy), Megan's old boyfriend from her old life, finds her crying and shivering on a park bench without her bestfriend's comfort. Charlie takes her to his house in Northern Chicago after three weeks of searching for her since saving her life during the ER visit.
- Smallville "Bride" Season 8 Episode 10 (22.3 million viewers): At the General Electric company plane on tarmac of the Dallas Executive Airport, Clark meets with CEO Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley), to help him follow a lead that could lead to Lex Luthor. Later, Just as Clark is about close the deal on Chloe's cousin Lois Lane (Erica Durance) during Chloe's wedding, Xe Agent, Lana Lang (Kristen Kreuk), shows up and cock blocks him. Former NFL QB, Tony Romo (with newly discovered powers), crashes the wedding and kidnaps, Dallas Morning News sports photographer, Jimmy Olsen's (Aaron Ashmore) bride, Chloe (Allison Mack) from their wedding on Clark's farm in Smallville and takes her to his frozen mansion in Wisconsin.
- Raper "Force fucked in the ass" Season 1 Episode 15 (19.2 million viewers): Sam tries to rape Andi in her car but, instead she brutally rapes him in her car with a strap-on. Andi (Missy Peregrym) reveals that she knows that Sam (Bret Harrison) and his friends are serial rapists and she wants in. Sock (Tyler Labine) is questioned by police after being seen at a rape crime scene.
- 7th Heaven "Sweet Revenge"Series Finale (29.4 million viewers): Mary (Jessica Biel) escapes from prostitution in Bangkok and returns to Los Angeles where she guns down her father pastor Eric Camden (her father sold her into prostitution in 6th season) while he is preaching in his church, Annie Camden (Catherine Hicks) is unable to care when her daughter guns down her husband. Lucy (Beverly Mitchell) and Sandy (Haylie Duff) take a romantic escape. Simon (David Gallagher) is killed when his involvement with the Mexican Mafia goes wrong. Ruthie (Mackenzie Rosman) declares her independence and leaves California for the East.
- Living Wild "Who da fuck do you think I Am!"Series Finale (12.9 million viewers): Danny (D.W. Moffett) guns down Art (David Butler), the owner of the rival lodge when he threatens him, Katie (Leah Pipes) gets drunk and has unprotected sex with a guy she knows has HIV, Jesse (Andrew St. John) and Oliver (Calvin Goldspink) start seeing the money from their cocaine operation come in.
- Wilmington "Vikingland" Season 4 Episode 9 (18 million viewers): The Hoggard High School Vikings soccer team are heavily favored to win state with 10 guys who have committed to Division 1 schools. Skills (Antwon Tanner) celebrates his University of Maryland scholarship offer with a massive beach party at Johnny Mercer's Pier in Wrightsville Beach, The Vikings win the state championship match, but not before Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) has a heart attack during stoppage time. Hoggard High School soccer cheerleaders Brooke (Sophia Bush) and Peyton (Hillary Burton) continue to have secret sex (episode named from a Satyricon track).
- Terrorist In America "Junior Prank" Season 1 Episode 9 (7.3 million viewers): Sam (Dan Byrd) and his friends compete to pull off the biggest and best school prank, 1000 people die and 300 are injured when Raj (Adhir Kalyan) conducts his school prank of blowing up a grand stand at the high football game.
- Beauty and the Criminal "Diamond Heist Elimination" Season 5 Episode 10 (18.4 million viewers) The Team of Jen Carter (Cigar Model) and Ameen Mohamed (Interpol terrorist: Linked with bombing of USS Cole) are voted into a competition against the team that lost the "Al-Qaeda basic training competition" Sam Horrigan (club promoter/actor) and Bojana Mitic (Interpol's most wanted sexy Serbian professional theft: Heisted Bank of Dubai for £50,000,000) where they must heist the King of Thailand of the biggest diamond in the world. The last team to die(or get locked up) is the winner, getting the diamond is extra points. The Team of Sam Horrigan and Bojana Mitic win the challenge and get the diamond but not before the team of Jen Carter and Ameen Mohamed are tortured/killed by the king's security.
- TMZ on the CW Season 1 Episode 2 (5 million viewers) Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls) crashes her Lamborghini Gallardo in a near fatal car accident on the 405 freeway; Allison Mack (Smallville) goes car shopping and buys a Bentley Continental GT; Erica Durance's (Smallville) 20,000 square foot, British Columbian mountain paradise; Jensen Ackles (Superluxury) gives a drunken tour of his native Dallas, Texas.
- Fo'Real "Sophia Bush (Wilmington)- Las Vegas Hell's Angels" Season 1 Episode 5 (7.9 million viewers) Sophia Bush and ten Hell's Angels perform a drive-by on a group of Mongols killing nine of them. Next, she detonates a bomb in a Mongol motorcycle gang clubhouse which takes out an entire city block and kills 43, Bush is then ordered to kill the leader of The Mongols, when she tries the LVPD stops her and starts a high-speed pursuit which ends when a the highway patrolmen knocks her off her Harley at 50mph.
