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- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
- 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.