Haruhi Suzumiya

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This article is about actress and president Haruhi Suzumiya. For the religion based on the television show, see Haruhiism.
Haruhi Suzumiya
President haruhi.png
45th President of the United States
Assumed office
January 20th, 2017
Vice President Ted Morris
Secretary of State Newtis Newtfield
Preceded by Barack Obama
Born April 7, 1957 (53) San Francisco California
Birth name Haruhi Mikuru Suzumiya
Nationality Japanese-American
Political party Republican
Spouse Kyon (he didn't have a proper name and surname, so she remained Suzumiya)
Children Kagami Kagami Suzumiya, Lucky_Star Tsukasa Suzumiya
Nationality Japanese-American
Profession Attorney, Professor, Author, Politician, Actress, Annihilator
Religion Haruhiism
Signature Haruhi Suzumiya's signature.png

Haruhi Suzumiya (born April 7, 1957) is the crazy otherwise non-fugly actress who played the leading role as herself in "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya". She was the main character of the twelve-part autobiography Haruhi Suzumiya, and founder and former leader of the SOS Brigade. Some sources say she lived in Nagasaki some time before it was destroyed but that was before she was born, which is a paradox, so a lot of people think she powered all of her achievements in life with this paradox and absorbed nuclear energy. However everyone who presented this theory so far has mysteriously

Suzumiya is a non graduate from Harvard Law School. Followed by her non-graduation, she practiced criminal law from 1979 - 1999. Following her successful bid for the United States senate seat in early 80's, Haruhi Suzumiya went into acting, as to where the anime started. Her crazy face means a lot to the American people. It means she will fix the economic crisis and repair Washington once in for all. Most people thought Suzumiya was only 18 but as her real age was revealed during her presidential campaign when she was 51 years old, she is now 53 as of April 7, 2010. However most of the time she acts like a 15 years old hi-school girl, which sometimes makes people think she is as the same age as her daughter. During her presidential campaign she tends to wear the bunny girl costume or sometimes appear topless or even in full nude, which in return attracted porn stars and playmates to vote for her (she also occasionally performing in live concerts as part of her presidential campaign). However all forms of pornography were banned soon after she become the president. Of course this banning was achieved by her being a law practitioner manipulated the Congress and court houses.

President Suzumiya plans to keep Guantanamo Bay open until the inmate conflict is resolved. Haruhi plans to open SOS programs for people on drugs like your momma and lucky star girl. The program will issue anything you need for hardship. It is in major debate as Previous President Barack Obama disagrees with Haruhi's program. They've even scream in each others faces over the matter. Haruhi believes it will help people that are unable to work and provide, or unable to get off drugs on their own.

President Haruhi Suzumiya, and 4 years of her, imagine what the great county of the United States of America would become in that due time? While Obama just wondering what would happen to this country, he thinks about killing her by shooting her in the head because he is jealous that she singlehandedly pressured Hugo Chavez to give up, the crazed president of Iran to shut up, stopped North Korea from developing long-range missiles somehow, fix the economy and create a better health care and make General Motors profitable, which is something that Obama has failed to do.

Haruhi Suzumiya has also been known to make things happen, Except she failed to end the Endless Eight (also known to the public as the Wasted Eight), which turned out to be the downfall for her as people were tired of seeing the same crap all over again.

Recently there have been rumors flying around citing that Haruhi is believed to be Jesus Christ who have returned from Heaven, which means the Second Coming might already took place. However it is unsure why he (Jesus) took the female form (Haruhi) but with her God-like ability it is hard to deny that Haruhi might be indeed the son daughter of God. Despite that, Haruhi continues in Christianity despite gaining cult religion following, which her followers call ""Haruhi-ism". On the other hand, some other 'unreliable' sources cited that it is Kyon (Haruhi's husband) who is the actual Jesus Christ, not Haruhi herself; most of the members of The Society confirm that there is no "explosions of data" from Kyon and Haruhi's mind reigns over most of the space time continuum.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya[edit | edit source]

Kyon[edit | edit source]

A Tsundere boy who lied on his application and is not supernatural in any way ever (though the truth is that it is his power that granted Haruhi the God-like abilities, making some people believe that he is actually Jesus Christ who have returned from Heaven. But in actuality, he is simply a tiger). He only survived because Haruhi, Zeus, wanted to get in his pants (which explains how he became Haruhi's sex slave). He keeps pictures of Mikuru in a maid outfit saved on his computer, which he fapping licking to every day. It is believed that he also keeps nude Mikuru pictures (which he might have secretly took when Mikuru was costume-raped by Haruhi) but there is no way to confirm this as Haruhi is always tagging around him. There is also speculation that he and Nagato had a torrid love affair, but when Haruhi's elder brother, Chuck Norris found out that god's only love was involved in such an affair, he banished Nagato to the Philippines. Kyon and Haruhi are expecting Oscar Wilde much to Kyon's reluctance, because he's giving birth to him. Well, Haruhi could make things happen after all. His personality matches George Carlin's due to the fact that he doesn't believe in stuff.

Yuki Nagato[edit | edit source]

Yuki Nagato

An robot-witch made by aliens sent to watch people and assassinate them. She likes to read because reading is so hot. She is a closeted lesbian, though no one has asked her about it and her personality is extremely stark. Like most characters on the show, she doesn't do much, yet is worshiped by legions of fanboys. After her affair with Kyon, she was banished to the Netherlands by Haruhi's elder brother, Chuck Norris. By that time she was already pregnant with Kyon's kid of which she gave birth to a son at Amsterdam General Hospital shortly after arriving there. Sadly, her son wandered off four days after being born, and has yet to be found. Because she loves to read, it is said she has a massive library of horrid Cyberchase, Twilight & ObamaxMichelle fanfiction, even though in reality Yuki reads books to add to the Library of Alexandria since Yuki is indeed of the Ptolemaic Dynasty.

For additional information about Yuki's deeds in the Ptolemaic service, read about Ptolemaios I Soter.

Mikuru Asahina[edit | edit source]

A whiny but attractive time traveler who never does anything, and is constantly molested by Haruhi. This is somewhat frightening considering Suzumiya's status as God.

She failed every challenge, except for the first, a tea brewing contest. If she wasn't killed so Mawi the basics of time warping and caused more trouble for the future. She is the only person in the universe able to use what is known as the "Mikuru Beam", an extremely powerful beam that Mikuru shoots from her left eye, with an average intensity of 5.65*10^55 eV.

Her Large Size wanted to seduce Kyon, but she still fails miserably. She tried to seduce Kyon by showing her nipple. Kyon really wants to have fun with Mikuru Large Size, but Kyon realizes if Haruhi finds out, Haruhi would sent Mikuru and Kyon to Hell! But, it's obvious Haruhi wants to tap that, and dangles her in front of Kyon all the time just to keep their relationship stable. And for the fanboys to make fanfiction about. In reality, Mikuru is Parmenion.

Itsuki Koizumi[edit | edit source]

Itsuki is a homosexual psychic from an alleged agency of homosexual psychics who has the ability to fly around in menstrual blood to kill giant things and prevent the world from becoming emo. He is constantly smiling because is totally flaming gay, hence, a gay gay. He also wants to become Miss Universe, and spit out his utter fabulosity to everyone on the planet. Itsuki also wants to marry Kyon and adopt a caucasian baby with him. For the fanboys and non-obsessed fangirls, Kyon's not interested. For the yaoi-loving-fangirls and yaoi-loving-fanboys, Kyon totally wants in his pants. Because he smiles too damn much, Kyon calls him Ichimaru. He is also good friends with Sabrina, the Saffron City Gym Leader and Akiza Izinksi from Yu-Gi-Oh 4 the DS.

Timelord Man[edit | edit source]

Timelord Man is a badass time-traveling superhero in a gray SWAT outfit. He drives a super-cool black & white 1973 Dodge Polara, a.k.a. the Timelordmobile. The Timelordmobile is equipped with a 440 cubic inch engine, PA-100 electronic siren, GE Mastr II radio, hidden armor plating, and time travel equipment. The time travel equipment includes time circuits + a flux capacitor (totally not ripped off from Back to the Future) and is powered by lemon juice. Timelord Man keeps plenty of guns in the trunk, too. The other members of the group are absolutely intrigued by him, especially Haruhi, & Itsuki. Of course, Itsuki merely wants to do homosexual things to him, which does not amuse Timelord Man. Rumors suggest that Timelord Man may just be some nerd with too much time on his hands, but there is insufficient evidence to prove anyone in school as being Timelord Man.

Other cast[edit | edit source]

Ryoko Asakura[edit | edit source]

A scene depicting the battle between Yuki and Ryoko.

The host of the first season, at least until she was killed by Yuki. Asakura was furious with Kyon for lying about being supernatural and tried to kill him. But Yuki suddenly jumped out and stabbed Asakura with her own sexual aid. She's also got beaver eyebrows. Actually Asakura is a confused masochist who thought it would be fun if she kill Kyon as the act of masochism (she's just a confused alien, what can you expect?). In other words, what people had thought of she wanted to kill Kyon is actually her attempt to rape him.

Kyon's Sister[edit | edit source]

She appears to be Kyon's sister, however she is not actually related to him in any way. She lives in the same house as Kyon, and is frequently seen entering his bedroom while he is in bed. Kyon never has sex with her because he thinks she is his sister. She has the same super powers as Kyon (i.e. none), but is very different from him, as Kyon's Sister is her actual name, and Kyon is just what Haruhi decided to call him. It is quite likely that Kyon is known as Kyon because his sister's name is Kyon's Sister. She appears to be the only one feeding Kyon's magical cat. She has no name, for crying out loud!

Shamisen[edit | edit source]

Little is known about Kyon's cat, other than the fact that he can talk, and is the only one that Yuki has opened herself up to. It appears that he is actually an alien, that has been living on earth for no apparent reason. He thinks of Yuki as a senpai, despite the fact that he is much older than Yuki. Also the only character that Haruhi has shown no interest in having sex with, so she killed him and used his innards for the strings on her guitar.

Computer Research Society President[edit | edit source]

A nerd who can't get a life. He sometimes turns into a giant cricket and has attempted to rape Mikuru Yuki with his giant tentacle antenna. He likes yelling the word contest and is subsequently Falcon Kicked by Haruhi. He also was forced to giving up the Computer Research Society's best computer, because Haruhi made his hand touch Asahina's sweet boob. He seems to love playing Yu-Gi-Oh! along with Bakugan Battle Brawlers. If his altercation with Haruhi was written like a Shakespearean comedy, here's what this exchange between one of his comrades and Haruhi would be:

COMPUTER RESEARCH SOCIETY MEMBER: An' we be witnesses for our good sir--
HARUHI SUZUMIYA: Then I'll tell all the whole club gang-raped her!

Taniguchi and Kunikida[edit | edit source]

No one cares about them. No one even knows what their real names are (though Taniguchi might be an Italian mafia descent whose actual name would be Leonardo Ronaldo Tanigucci, while Kunikida's full name might be Cu Nikida Kalashnikov - a Russian-Japanese descent). Well, they were best friends with Kyon until they found out he was in a club where he frequently watches girls change into bunny suits. In Episode Zero it was revealed that Taniguchi and Kunikida respectively are sliders (a person from other dimension) and an artificial human (a biological android to be exact). This meets what Haruhi has always desired (to always have paranormal stuff around her). Too bad the Episode Zero was never aired so nobody will ever know about them. No one cares about them and that's what Taniguchi and Kunikida is all about. People should not care about them. The moment people started to care about them, they would no longer be Taniguchi and Kunikida anymore.

Tsuruya[edit | edit source]

Tsuruya is a daughter of a Saiyan father and a Japanese vampire mother (which explains the fang she has). Apparently her mother is an evolved, new breed of vampire that only consume raw blowfish flesh, grilled pork, seaweed, eel slices, octopus (tentacle only), wasabi, soy sauce, rice, and sake instead of human blood. Over years of evolution the vampire have lost one of their two fangs, resulting only one of them remaining now. The name Tsuruya is actually the mother's maiden name but since the Saiyan's naming convention is not compatible with earthling thus the Tsuruya name was adopted instead. Tsuruya has no real name as her parents have troubles naming all their kids, which is why Tsuruya and her 16 other siblings are sharing the same Tsuruya name. The family made their vast amount of wealth by investing in Sony, Nintendo, Disney, Microsoft, Playboy, the U.S. government, and every nuclear research facility built in the last 60 years, as well as numbers of hi-tech terrorist movements including Al-Qaeda. It was hypothesized by experts that the family collaborated with the two time terrorists from Back to the Future and altered history in order to attain such charismatic goals in the present. When the heir to the fortune was asked about these theories, she immediately went Super Saiyan 2 and proceeded to kick the interviewers' asses. Contrary to popular belief Tsuruya can go Super Saiyan, and is in fact the first Super Saiyan in history to have gone Super Saiyan without actually being a Saiyan. The exact logic behind this is not yet known, but it is thought that Tsuruya learned how to do this by watching John Wayne play a ping-pong match with Michael Moore upside-down in mid-air on an HD television set recovered from the wreckage of a 345 megaton car explosion in 1928. This event single handedly sparked World War 76, which somehow preceded the first 2 wars and created the country of Guatemala in the process.

Episode order[edit | edit source]

A prominent work of art; the "Come to bed..." piece is viewed as one of the greater post modernistic works.

In post-production, some idiot mislabeled the tapes with the episodes, so nobody knows which order they were supposed to be aired in, despite the so-called "Kyon's Order" and "Haruhi's Order". Hours of analysis by dedicated and girlfriend-less fanboys has yielded the following information about what the true episode order is supposed to be:

  • Episode Negative One is a combination of two or more random episodes.
  • Episode Zero was never shown because Haruhi was pregnant (of Kyon's kid, obviously) on that time.
  • The First Episode is obviously the eleventh. If you didn't know that, you're an idiot.
  • The Second Episode is actually the 14th episode.
  • Episode Three is the second episode, twice.
  • Episode Four is not actually an episode, but a 24 minute long monologue extolling the virtues of rape
  • Episode Five is also the second episode but in reverse.
  • Episode Six is actually episode 3+5i.
  • Episode Seven is actually equal to pi times the radius squared, where r is the number of the previous episode just watched.
  • Episode Eight consist of eight episodes, but was considered one episode with eight episode on it!
  • Episode Nine was lucky enough not to become an episode.
  • Episode Ten was brutal to watch!
  • Episode Eleven was a pokemon movie.
  • Episode Twelve was also Episode Four, but better.
  • Episode Thirteen was invisible.
  • Episode Fourteen was Episode Two
  • Episode Fifteen is a lie.
  • Episode Sixteen was shot by Dick Cheney.
  • The second last episode was supposed to be where Haruhi and Kyon are having sex but the documentary about longcat was shown instead.
  • The last episode proves that the show never really happened. Fanboys around the world committed suicide. News outlets like CNN called it "the bestest day ever".
  • Episode Infinity is an endless replay of all previous episodes in random order.
Apparently, Peach and Zelda have come to be true blue fans of this show.‎

The more recent analysis however suggested that there were actually only eight episodes available (not including the Endless Eight). The episode order is as follows:

  • Episode One is actually Episode Five
  • Episode Two is actually Episode Seven
  • Episode Three is actually Episode Six
  • Episode Four is actually Episode Eight
  • Episode Five is actually Episode Two
  • Episode Six is actually Episode Four
  • Episode Seven is actually Episode Three
  • Episode Eight is actually Episode One

The Wasted Endless Eight[edit | edit source]

This is about the Episode Eight where it consisted of eight episodes, but was considered one episode with eight episode on it. Eight episodes were wasted just like that to make way for repetitive pointless craps which makes the Episode Eight got the "Pointless Eight" moniker too. During the 15,532 loops of events, Haruhi and Kyon were having sex 65,536 times but none of the sex scenes managed to get into the camera because the time recurrence occurred before the camera managed to capture any sex footage. The only clue to this is the occasional voice of Haruhi moaning in the show. Thus, this plot device came to be an incredible failure, and had Haruhi butthurt fanboys wanting something new. The series tanked. And the only hope those fanboys could get for Haruhi on their minds was for them to jack off to her as much as possible.

Influence[edit | edit source]

The following books, movies, and television shows helped to create this series: Dr. Who, Blackadder, The Time Machine, Back to the Future, the works of Sigmund Freud, Aristotle, and others, and most importantly, viewers like you!