Rob Gronkowski
 Gronk love to partyyy | |
| No. | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Partyyyy in pants |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
|
| Height: | 6' 9" |
| Weight: | 269 |
| Career information | |
| College: | Arizona |
| NFL Draft: | 2010 / Round: 2 / Pick: 69 |
| Career history | |
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | 69 |
| Honors: | Guy most likely to 69 (perennial winner) |
| TD: | 6969 |
| People smash, spike, or hump: | 69 |
| Tide pods nom-nom: |  |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
“YO SOY FIESTAAAAH”
– Rob Gronkowski
Rob Gronkowski, also known as "Gronky Kong", is tall guy who once play American football, now is tall funny guy make appearance on TV. Gronk have play as tight end, no make into wide receiver. Gronk have perverted sense of humor, you see. Hahaha, 69!
Gronk have play for team with Tom Brady, namely New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, play so hard against hometown team Buffalo Bills due to Bills dinosaur owner no pick Gronk. Gronk mad.
Gronk is crazy party animal, like party so much he use beer keg for wash bodyyyyyy. Gronk say no eat TIE PODS, but sometimes he no resist, due to TIE PODS is colorful like candyyyyy. TIDE POD yucky though, Gronk just eat to look cool.
Despite Gronk now hated in hometown of Buffalo, New York due to angry GRONK SMASH on Tre White, he still more likeable by light years than dummy ex-teammate Aaron Hernandez, who was angry gangster go kill people. Gronk one of few people who no get CTE from play football, but BORN with CTE, along with Cam Skattebo. Therefore being born with CTE, Gronk always nuts, but awesome.
Gronk origins
Gronk born as Robert Gronkowski, one of 5 brothers in big Gronk familyyyyy. Gronk grow up in nice suburb of Buffalo, possibly take up potential radiation from cityyyy. That seem explain why people from Buffalo slightly crazyyyy. Gronkowski very Polish last name, make sense due to Buffalo have lots Polish folks.
Growing up, Rob Gronkowski and other Gronk bros like play football, just like hometown Buffalo Bills team. Like many Buffalonian, Gronk bros disappointed in how Bills let down, so Gronk bros take anger out on football field. Gronk dad then lose factory job, mom then divorce and move family out to Pittsburgh. Typical of Buffalo family due to the economy suck.
Gronk then go college in Arizona, party with Austin Capobianco, kick ass in college football as tight end. Gronk try get number 69, but denied due to tight end no allow have that number. Could you imagine tight end get 69, then become wide receiver?
Gronk football career
Gronk hated on by Bills
When declare for NFL draft, Gronk secretly imply want play for Bills, so he play hard to get. However, Bills boss man Ralph Wilson, being senile dinosaur, make dumb decision, hire senile dinosaur GM name Buddy Nix, who get rid Marshawn Lynch[1] and Terrell Owens, draft dummy skinny running back CJ Spiller in first round who epic fail, draft bunch of defensive dummy who also epic fail, and then sign undraft dummy scrubs for play receiver. Senile dinosaur GM Buddy Nix no believe in tight end like Gronk, so no draft him. Bills dumb team. GRONK MAD!
Imagine Bills team with Ryan Fitzpatrick, Marshawn Lynch, Stevie Johnson, T.O., and GRONK! Imagine Gronk join Bills Mafia in shotgunning Labatt Blue beer and smash folding table! But nooo, Bills insist on firing good player, stuck with Trent Edwards, Roscoe Parrish, CJ Spiller, and shit defense. Bills stupid or something? Trent Edward, CJ Spiller, and Roscoe Parrish suck ass and immediate get bench for Fitz, Fred Jackson, and Stevie too! That sign of stubborn, dumb ass team. Maybe Gronk dodge bullet.
Gronk play for Patriots
Fortunate for Gronk, smart team in New England Patriots draft Gronk still somewhat early, at ... Well, you know, pick 69! They even draft another tight end, Aaron Hernandez! Gronk and Hernandez play with Tom Brady rather than dummy Trent Edwards, so Pats kick Bills ass! Gronk and Hernandez is killer tight end duo, figuratively kill many team due to no one know how stop TWO tight end! Pats make Super Bowl, but then Eli Manning is Tom Brady's daddy.
Despite Gronk is party animal, he somehow get along with no-fun Bill Belichick, who okay with Gronk antics as long as Gronk do Belichick bidding. He sometimes get with Robert Kraft do fun stuff though, like go to SPAAAAAAAAH.
It get a little kinky in spah though, a bit too kinky. Robert Kraft do some weird thing there that Gronk don't know about.
Things seem good, but then Hernandez, who despite play college football with good guy Tim Tebow, prove be angry bad guy who actually kill people off the field. Hernandez arrest, sent to jail. Even have gang tie, as cop find out. Hernandez then further humiliate Patriot by losing murder trial and get convict. So now Buffalo Bills beat Patriot in murder trials due to O.J. Simpson have get acquit!
Gronk, Tom Brady, and other Patriots disavow scumbag loser Aaron Hernandez. Gronk then play as only tight end for Patriot, but still kick ass. Even kick ass get three Super Bowls! Bills super jealous, start throw dildo at Patriot for keep kicking Bills ass! HAHAHA!
Then next year, Gronk get busted for GRONK SPIKE puny Buffalo Bills player Tre White! Why puny Buffalo player cover Gronk so much?? Puny talking man Tre White so annoying! GRONK SPIKE PUNY TRE WHITE! Now why Buffalo people hate Gronk so much? Just because that dummy incident? Tre White get concussion from soft elbow? Bunch of pussies, no able take joke or roughhousing from guy weigh only 269 pounds.
Or maybe Hernandez rub off on Gronk? That no good, Gronk maybe need see counselor.
Despite Gronk kick Bills ass as part of Patriot, Bills still live rent free in Gronk head for some reason.
Gronk semi-retire
After while, Gronk body start hurt. Gronk feeling start get hurt. Then after win third Super Bowl with Patriot, Gronk consider retire, get sponsorship from TIE PODs. With easy sponsorship money, Gronk go PARTYYYYY. Drink beer like maniac and travel world. Favorite country go to is Japan, they all like big, hairy American muscle guy like Gronk for some reason.
Gronk play for Buccaneers, then retire
After while, Gronk get bored by no play football. Gronk consider sign with Buffalo, play with Josh Allen, but then remember how Bills screw Gronk over, so follow Tom Brady to Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Gronk win another Super Bowl with Tommy Boy, but then see shenanigans from new teammate Antonio Brown, actual CTE victim, make Gronk rethink play football.
When AB say nonsense to Tom Brady, coach, and everyone else on team, then go naked run off team in middle of game, Gronk realize he no want end up like AB. Gronk then see that it cooler to do non-football things instead of bonk head for team, so Gronk retire second time and for good. Tom Brady see Gronk direction, then retire year later due to no Gronk or AB to throw to and Tom get too old.
Gronk TV career
After retire from football, Gronk discover TV is cool. Wanna see Gronk spot for TIE POD?
Then kids start eat TIDE POD. Gronk also start eat TIDE POD. But then TIDE POD yucky. Give Gronk slight stomachache but kids take it worse. So then TIDE POD make Gronk do second ad:
Okay, so it teach kid no eat TIE POD. Use for washing, no eating.
Gronk then go to Mask Singer, sing white boy song like "Ice Ice Baby" and "I'm too sexy", crowd absolutely LOVE it and get Gronk further than AB. But then Gronk not actual pro singer, so he get boot out after third round. He pro athlete, so what crowd expect?
After make random cameo appearance on random show like Family Guy and Sesame Street,[2] Gronk get bring on to Fox Sports for host FOOTBALL GAME! So Gronk still involve with football somehow, only instead make funny saying on TV.
Then Tom Brady join Gronk on Fox Sports, make number one commentator for game. Is Tom Brady copy Gronk or something? Get a life, Tom!
Gronk personal life
Gronk LOVE number 69! He even make score 69 points in high school basketball, hahaha! Then Gronk get kick off team, force play football.
Gronk love do 69 with hot model wifey. Well, she not technically wifey, but essentially wifey. But before settling down with wifey, Gronk tease 69 with all the girls, even date porn star at one poiny. Gronk somehow stay abstinent, however, before get wifeeyyyyy.
Gronk absolutely hate number 67 though. Why all the hype with "six-sevennnnn", huh? It like "67" try to be knockoff version of "69". So dumb.
Gronk think Josh Allen cool guy. Gronk also miss go to Buffalo without getting boo. But he honorary Bostonian now and work for TV, so that okay.
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