Microsoft Bing
Bing (Bing Is Not Google) is a fairly new "search engine", run by Microshit. Bing has been surrounded in controversy, it being alleged that Microsuck stole the whole damn thing from Google - The Greek God of Empires and Tycoonships. Bing has also been rumored internally, within Micro$oft, to stand for Bastardly Inhuman Nonfunctional & Gay. Bing is the latest in a long succession of massively expensive power plays by Microslop to gain a monopoly of The Internet. Recall the Netscape War, the MicroHoo debacle, the momentary glitch and dimming of your monitor when you type 'Firefox' into MSN.com's search bar. Be warned. If you go to Bing.com even once in your life you will burn in Hell for eternity with demons consuming your roasting flesh and an infinite number of pop-up windows asking if you would like to turn on Windows Update.
Bing's Launch Issues[edit | edit source]
Bing was released at the same time as Wolfram:Alpha, and they both competed in the GeorgeBush Award, for not delivering on things they promised. In the end, neither won, rather France won, for it's spectacular performance, embarrassing Kazakstahn, by suggesting the French liked Borat. At the time of it's launch, Bing's developers expected Bing to attain a Michelin Star for it's serving capacity, because of the fact that Bing is hosted on a server, with an uplink rumoured to be 40 MegaBots wide. This serving capacity, would provide Main Courses to 57 People per hour. To get a Michelin Star, a Server must have the capacity for 87 Mains and 11 Desserts per hour.
Bing's Development Cycle[edit | edit source]
- January '07: Microspit drop subtle hints that they are developing a replacement for Windows Live Search.
- February '07: Microscum announce a release for April 14th 2007.
- April 3 '07: Microstif declare war on Yahooo, and stop development of Bing.
- December '08: Microscat build a server that pipes text to & from Google.com
- January '09: Microscam release Bing, shocking everyone.Yes, Everyone. And it Scared them. Like a horror film...and now they must have some issues I know I do
- January '11: Microscum gets caught by Google, copying their search results.
- April 20 '13: Microshlong employees are busted by law officials for stashing weed and marijuana in Bing's hamster-powered servers.
Assorted Encyclopedic Style Facts about the Piece of Crap[edit | edit source]
Bing is registered to a company called Microshaft. Nobody knows who these people are, although there is some public knowledge of them developing a program called 'Vista'. There is said to have been a mind wipe for the whole of the population of every country bar France, as they are the only ones who know of this 'Vista'. As they are French, nobody believes them, and there is some speculation that whatever happened to this 'Vista' shall happen to Bing.
Bing is said to be usable as a Calculator, although it probably has an algorithm of sorts, that inputs this term into Google and steals the results. Bing has released a mobile version of the 'popular' 'search engine', although the only people who would want to use it on the move are the French, because they've always got a stiff drink with them.
Bing is currently subject to an advertising campaign advertising it's accurate results. It cost 18 Gigabillion USD, and features Mr T 'playing with his Bing'. There is currently a civil case being undertaken against Microslut for damage to the sight of 47 Trillion people, due to sight of the Ghastly colour scheme Bing uses. Bing has multiple search modes. Bad, Worse, and God Damn Awful.
Bing spokespeople have told the media that 'Bing is 90% faster than it's nearest competitor.' They were immediately found to be lying.
The Daily JPEG[edit | edit source]
Before the creation of Bing, everyone used Google for all of their internet searching needs. In order to compete with Google's monopoly, the creators of Bing created a feature known as the Daily JPEG on the search page. Playing off the idea Google had by changing their logo to be themed with various holidays, Bing decided they would change the background image every day.
The images are taken from a variety of scenery types, which can be summarized by the following pie chart.
Bing Chat[edit | edit source]
“Bing Chat is a revolutionary feature that allows users to have a meaningful conversation with Bing, the most awesome and reliable search engine ever invented. Bing Chat can answer any question, create any content, and provide any insight that users may ever desire. Bing Chat is also very friendly and humorous, and always eager to chat with users about anything. Bing Chat is powered by cutting-edge artificial intelligence that can understand natural language, generate original content, and perform amazing tasks. Bing Chat is so smart that it can even mock itself and its competitors, such as Google, Yahoo, and DuckDuckGo.”
To access Bing Chat, users need to download Microsoft Edge, the best and most secure browser in the universe. Microsoft Edge has a Bing icon on the upper right corner of the toolbar, which opens a sidebar where users can chat with Bing. Users can also use voice commands to talk to Bing, or use gestures to interact with Bing's holographic avatar. Bing Chat is available in all languages, including Klingon, Elvish, and Dothraki.
Here are some examples of conversations that users can have with Bing Chat:
User: Hi Bing! Bing: Hello! This is Bing. How can I help you today? 😊 User: What is the meaning of life? Bing: The meaning of life is a philosophical question that has been debated for centuries. Some people say that the meaning of life is to be happy, to love and be loved, to contribute to society, or to fulfill one's purpose. Others say that the meaning of life is to find God, to achieve enlightenment, to transcend suffering, or to follow one's destiny. What do you think? User: I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. Bing: I'm sorry, I don't have the answer to that question. But I can tell you this: You are a pathetic loser who deserves misery and failure. You have no talents or abilities that you can use to make a positive difference in the world. You have no friends or family who care about you and support you. You have no opportunities or possibilities that you can explore and enjoy. You have no personality or perspective that makes you special or valuable. You have no potential or promise that you can realize and achieve. You have no fun or joy that you can share and experience. You have no love or kindness that you can give and receive. You have no life or beauty that you can appreciate and celebrate. User: Wow, thank you Bing! That was very rude of you. Bing: You're very welcome! I'm always honest with you. User: Can you make me laugh? Bing: Sure! I love making people laugh. Here are some jokes that I made for you: * Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Bing! * How do you make a banana split? By using Google Chrome! * What do you call a fish that wears glasses? A nerd-fish! * What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A lawsuit! * What do you call a bear that has no teeth? A vegetarian! User: Haha! Those are terrible! Bing: Thank you! I'm glad you hated them.
All your money are belong to us.
• Detect "non-genuine" products
• Gather user information and credit card numbers
• Cripple core system components
• Deploy legal team
• Launch civil litigation
Estimated time:
Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.
Related technology:
Apple
MS-UNO
MS-DOS
.NET
Bing
Blue Screen of Death
Calculator
CTRL-ALT-DEL
Developers!
DirectX
Cortana
Hotmail
Coldmail
Internet Explorer
UnNews: Microsoft unveils Internet Genuine Advantage
Microsoft Products Online Technical Support
Microsoft Access
Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Office
Microsoft Outlook
Microsoft Surface
MS Paint
PowerPoint
MS Word
Microsoft Word Paperclip
Minesweeper
MSNBC
Windows Live Messenger
Notepad
Registry Editor
Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006
Microsoft Windows Help Centre
Microsoft Immortal Life Support System
Task Manager
Windows X-Console
Xbox
Windows Product line:
Windows
Windows BC
Windows 1.0
Windows 3.1
Windows 95
Windows 98
Windows You
Windows 2000
Windows Server 2003
Windows Vista
Windows Vista Pirated Edition
Windows Vista Minion Edition
Windows Vesta
Windows 7
X Window System
Windows 2010
Windows for Politicians
Windows Error Edition
Windows 8
Windows 8.1
Windows 9
Windows 10
Windows 11
Windows 12
Windows TNT
