Incest
“Incest is the difference between stepping on an ant and stepping on an aunt.”
“On the other hand (count ’em) ...”
Incest is the practice of sex between immediate family members, both for procreation and for fun. In layman's terms, it's like when you go to kiss your mom goodbye and she slips you the tongue, which is kinda gross at first but then it gets hotter and hotter until finally you stick it in her and impregnate her. The practice is a black or white issue: one either seems to be for it or seems to be against it. However, in a recent Zionist Times poll most Americans said incest is a ritualistic part of the Alabamic faith, and are therefore for it. Alabamans invented incest so people would not have to look hard for a lover but Satan messed this up to torment poor lonely girls.
Everyone out of the gene pool[edit | edit source]
The science rationale against incest is that inbreeding between close family members tends to produce mutant but bland, uninteresting people. The practice also is known for producing other undesirable defects such as testicles on the chin and a penis on the forehead. There is also deep and thoughtful vocal opposition from non-Christians who state their opinion on the matter by vomiting.
The true Christians who know there is nothing wrong with incest claim that it strengthens genetic trends in the nuclear family, and reinforces awesome evolutionary modifications within the gene pool, like the ability to shoot web, rip a Chinese phone book in half with your teeth, climb walls and all that cool shit. Those who practice incest will also live longer, see a sharp increase IQ scores in children and most likely go to heaven. God once said "Thou shalt love thy mother, father, sister brother and goat with thy genitals." Some believe God might have meant that in a spiritual way, but that's just crazy talk.
Her father's daughter[edit | edit source]
George Carlin, noted social commenter, wrote: "A four-year-old girl walks into the bathroom while her father is taking a shower. She pulls back the curtain and asks, 'When will I get something like that between my legs?' 'About fifteen minutes after Mommy leaves for work,' answers her father."
Lott's daughters[edit | edit source]
In the Bible, incest is explained as one option available to man- and womankind to ensure that "humans" outsmart God's Mighty Hammer. According to the story, Trent Lott, a resident of Sodom County, Mississippi – where he has a nice house overlooking the floating casinos in Biloxi – offers his daughters to the visiting angels. They decline, stating that they were hoping for some manly redneck rough trade, but as a reward, the angels allow Senator Lott and his daughters to escape Sodom County before they summoned Hurricane Katrina to obliterate the sinful place.
After the storm, the girls believed they were the only people alive in the world. They decided to save humanity and procreate using their father's "seed" for "spring planting" as it were, or so we are told. (They did take care to get the Senator liquored up first. Even their father needed beer goggles.) This, then, is the foundation of incest, and the rationale offered to criminal court judges – "It is not sin, it is 'His' will."
Grandma's tongue[edit | edit source]
While civilized society may find the prospect of incest to be but a dream unfulfilled, the practice does have its benefits. Fathers need not worry about whom their daughters will marry, because everyone in the family knows what kind of background and rap sheet Grandpappy has. This has the extra added benefit of saving the cost of hiring private detectives as well, because in an incest family everyone gets to watch all the goings-on in the pubic patch.
At the same time, familiarity (from the word familiar, itself from the root word family) breeds contempt. So, periodically, extracurricular breeding with nearby colonies is recognized as a means of enlarging the family circle.
And who knows, maybe the clan down the road will have a lobster-tailed woman who would be the perfect complement to that lobster-clawed uncle of yours. With incest, no one is ever desperate and dateless.
You're a better lay than Mom[edit | edit source]
That's what Daddy said this morning.
My heart belongs to Daddy[edit | edit source]
At the United Nations, President Barack Obama spoke on behalf of the World Human Incest Movement (WHIM), although the speech was naturally in code, so as to protect his burgeoning career as America's Tastemaker. Obama came out in favor of the practice by declaring that "America's families are under attack as they have never been before. We must do whatever we must to protect our children against the growing threats poised by our ever-changing world." (Uncoded: "Breed 'em if you got 'em. No muff too tough. Ugly daughters got pussies too.") The speech brought standing applause from the Bulgarian delegation; coincidentally, Bulgaria hosted the Incest Games of 2008, covered exclusively by Fox Sports.
Game[edit | edit source]
With the growing popularity of incest, Milton Bradley made it into what is now the world's most popular family game, the Game of Incest, which is played on a large plastic floorboard with differently-colored dots. Players take it in turns. One member of the family spins a "bottle" determining which members of the family will climb over, mount, and embarrass themselves.
- Improves relationships! – Focus on the Family author James Dobson
- Fun for the whole family! – Coretta King
- A family that sleeps together keeps together! – Zeb Walton
- Finally, something we can all play! – Joe Jackson
- Why go across the street when you can go across the hall? – Greg Brady
See also[edit | edit source]
- Fred Phelps
- Luke and Leia
- Adam and Eve
- Selective Inbreeding
- Cleopatra and the Asp
- Oedipus Rex
- Your mom
- Your dad
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Royalty
- Freudian psychology
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