User:Joe9320/Palkia

Distorted Satire!

This page contains satire from a world on the reverse side of ours filled with flying Octopus balls, sideways waterfalls and big yellow cats (also flying), so don't judge too harshly because if you don't find it funny then someone like Giratina will. The fact that you found this satire means that you are either witnessing a huge event involving time and space or you are in an ancient cemetery where satire is slightly altered.

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Palkia
Japanese name	The Original EVIL
Stage	Ultimate
Evolves from	An Egg???
Evolves to	His Pwnage Form
Species	EVIL
Type	Dragon/Water/EVIL
Height	Longest Penis Ever
Weight	Heavier than God
Ability	Uber Pwn/God Killer
Next Pokémon	Some Goth Worm Called Giratina
Previous Pokémon	Some Cute Dog Called Dialga
Main Advantage	EVIL, Basically Invincible, Kills Gods
Main Disadvantage	Looks Liek a F***ing Penis

“zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

~ Chuck Norris on Palkia

“I haven't been corrupted by power, power has been corrupted by me!”

~ Palkia on Himself

“In Soviet Russia, You kill Palkia--Wait......thats IMPOSSIBLE!!!”

~ Soviet Russia on Getting it horribly wrong

“AAAAAAAAA!”

~ Innocent civilians on being attacked by Palkia

“I had to create him or the universe couldn't be created!”

~ Arceus on Palkia

“When I kill him, I will have the power to overthrow Arceus”

~ Giratina on his Ambitions

“That Bastard needs to die!”

~ Rayquaza on Palkia

“I am better, this guy is a peice of crap!”

~ Dialga on Palkia

“I believe your palkia goes in my plughole, and in theory, we get kids!”

~ Hot Skitty on Wailord

General Information

Note to reader: This article explains the life and death of Palkia as well as his moves, his many ways to kill something without acceptable reason and how he became the ultimate Evil. If you were to tell Palkia about the secret penis jokes in the article then he will kill you and destroy uncyclopedia . Also dont forget about the 95% geekyness included in this article and £3.50/$5 charge. thankyou.

Palkia is one of the many fictional characters that were created by Nintendo Arceus to inhabit the world and bring happiness, unfortunately Palkia became Evil under his own motives and thus began his almighty plan to destroy the Universe. Palkia has been referred to as one of the most subliminal and offensive Pokemon of all time as he looks like a giant dick and swears an awful lot, not to mention the fact that he can destroy planets just by coughing and holds the world record for doing so (beating Chuck McNorris by 2 seconds).

Palkia has raised speculation on the internet about his gender and colour, it turns out that Palkia has to be male, because of his two penises (one playing the role of Palkia's head and the other playing the role of his...penis) and Purple (because he is); Palkia is also feared by nearly every Pokemon in existence with the exception of Rayquaza who knows no fear, even Arceus slightly fears the ultimate Evil, though to be fair giant laser shooting genitals tend to scare most people. Dialga is supposed to be the bane of Palkia's Evil-doings, but as of today he is a bloody coward (like most cute doggies). Giratina is Palkia's main rival and death target because even though Giratina maybe Satan in disguise, Palkia is of course, much stronger and much more evil than satan; Giratina developed a deep jealousy towards Palkia and eventually decided that he would gain the trust of Arceus and become a true Pokégod, with the power to aid Dialga into a golden age of prosperity and bring Evil to an end by killing Palkia.

Birth

Palkia was born from Arceus' Joy hole in the form of an egg. After a while (6 Hours, 6 Minutes and 6 Seconds) Palkia Hatched out of the egg--Penis first, then two legs, then a tail, then some meat, then two arms, then some intimidatory wings and finnaly another penis, but that was later identified as its head. After an hour Dialga hatched from another egg which in turn led to the first cute thing to ever walk (or crawl) the new universe. Dialga made a cute wimpering sound that made Arceus immediately cuddle it whereas Palkia released an ear-piercing 'Death Cry' which made Dialga cry and hide behind Arceus. Immediately after Palkia and Dialga hatched from an egg. Arceus shuddered in shock at the thought that he made have created a monster whereas in actual fact he had created two (Palkia and Dialga) which were ironically called Pocket Monsters by some Japanese Binge Drinkers even though Palkia and Dialga are far too big too fit in anyone's pocket.

Youth

A few years after Birth Palkia started to more become independent from Arceus and started foraging for food on the Planet that loomed below the place where they were living. Arceus was still foraging for Dialga on that planet because Dialga had not grown enough intellectually, this meant that Dialga was currently near incapable of thinking for himself despite Palkia being able to do this days after his Birth (so if Arceus was asleep, Dialga would Die). Palkia not only foraged for food on the lone planet but he also seemed to exercise on it as well; he raced around part of the planet and pushed himself to constantly get faster times and on top of that he even flew around the same path to try and get faster flying times. Palkia also had a habit of constantly trying to get stronger and more powerful, he punched the ground to try and make cracks, he slashed at rocks to try and slice them into bits and he even let out breaths of power every once in a while that killed plants faster than an ecodisaster! Palkia still kept close to Arceus an even asked Arceus to show off some of his attacks, he even let Arceus attack him with a powerful Hyper Beam that knocked him onto his back.

The Darkest Hour

One day Palkia stood before Arceus bearing a smirk on his face and asked to see Dialga. Arceus could tell by Palkia's grin that something was afoot, so he jumped in front of Dialga and assumed the defensive position. Palkia chuckled at Arceus and bellowed a voice that sounded like it came from EVIL itself.

“Arceus, I do not intend to harm you. If you just move out of my way then I shall spare you and even let you conquer the reaches of the universe with me. Dialga is useless to us seeing as his only role is to keep the gears of time flowing around the universe; if I defeat him I can take possession of time and use it to create a dimension of Power, excitement and greatness. I give you one chance, Arceus. Move out my way!!!”

~ Arceus replied: Never, I shall never rule alongside a wicked Pokemon such as you. You wish to kill your own brother? You should be ashamed of yourself!!!

Palkia's grin turned to an malicious and angry expression and he drew two artifacts Arceus created at the birth of Palkia and Dialga, the space sword (outstanding at offence) and the time shield (unrivaled in defense) and roared

"THEN YOU DIE AS WELL."

Arceus created a sword from two of his 'one thousand arms' and started to duel Palkia. The battle raged without a victor and in the end Palkia dropped his sword and started collecting purple energy in his right arm. He then turned towards Dialga with a sneer and fired the energy at him; Arceus leapt in front of Dialga to protect him from the energy and got knocked out the air, Palkia then fired another energy blast at Dialga and nearly hit if it weren't for Arceus' miraculous recovery and jumping in the way of the second attack. This time, however, Arceus resisted the attack and used a Hyper Beam to knock Palkia off the place and onto the deserted planet below. Arceus then carried Dialga onto the planet and started clenching his muscles, when he did this a white pool of energy gather around Arceus' whole body; Palkia fired another energy blast at Arceus but it was deflected by the white energy, Palkia then turned to the helpless Dialga with a grin and too started clenching his muscles, collecting an alarming amount of energy in his right arm. Dialga was about to turn away from Palkia and run when Arceus spoke to him:

"Dialga...you...have...power,...the...power...of...time....Use...the power...use
it...to...take...down...Palkia....Use...the...power...of...time,...fire
it...from...your...mouth,...use...use...use ROAR OF TIME!!!"

Dialga then started to clench his muscles and a blue energy aura surrounded him, he opened his mouth and started to collect vasts amounts of energy. After charging to his max capacity Palkia said

"Your Death comes now Dialga, feel the might of a fully charged SPACIAL REND!!"

And with that Palkia discharged the massive Spacial Rend towards Dialga and with Arceus' command Dialga fired his fully charged Roar of Time at Palkia. Both attacks collided in the middle and created a massive shower of energy sparks; the collision point began to glow and finally exploded, creating a cylindrical wave of what appeared to be space that flew out horizontally and disappeared into the horizon. The explosion hit Palkia in his grey chest area and knocked him to the ground--luckily, Dialga survived the explosion and was recovering energy after using his move; Palkia however was badly injured and was struggling to get up, he fired a Spacial Rend at Dialga but missed him. Arceus had now fully charged his attack and was ready to fire it, he then started glowing brightly and powerful beams of light flew towards Palkia and hit him straight on his grey chest area where he was hit by the explosion. Palkia then lay flat on the floor and lay motionless, presuming Palkia was dead Arceus carried Dialga back up into the place and left Palkia on the ground.

When Arceus had gone back up to the place Palkia opened one eye and slowly began to get up, he struggled at doing this and thus it took him a minute to find his feet. When he found his feet he slowly walked away from the battlefield; he was also trying to keep his balance so he was walking as if drunk or very weak (he was very weak, not drunk); his HP was barely 1. 5 minutes later he collapsed in front of a bush, Palkia would have died if it weren't for a small child Pokemon with white hair covering one eye.

The Rescue of a Fallen Evil

The child Pokemon dragged Palkia into a cave and gave him some water, Palkia than woke up to the sight of a bouldery cave and instantly jumped to his feet only to fall over in pain. The child Pokemon giggled at Palkia falling over and went to fetch him some of the food he had been cooking on a stone fire (the fire seemed to come from a lava like creature) and persuaded Palkia to eat it. The Pokemon child then placed a warm towel he had been warming on another fire onto Palkia's wounded chest and Palkia let out a shout of agony. The child got scared and backed into a corner; after the pain had gone Palkia stood up and walked as if he had never been injured, he then asked the child what cured his pain, to that the child replied "Eclipse dust". Palkia then noticed the creatures crawling around outside the cave and went to investigate; what he saw was a city of Pokemon!

The child Pokemon then asked Palkia if he wanted to be shown around the city, Palkia agreed to this offer and walked alongside the Pokemon into the city, before entering the city the Pokemon child introduced himself as Darkrai and asked what Palkias name was, Palkia replied "Da Penis" (not really, this was just to add some humor--he really answered Palkia). Darkrai said that the Eclipse dust was used to cure physical wounds and pain and he was the one that created the dust by simply snapping his fingers.

On entering the city the Pokemon that inhabited it bowed down upon seeing Darkrai, they chanted "oh almighty Darkrai, keep protecting our city", Darkrai then said that he had to go to to the cave, but not his cave, the cave of the other protector of the city. Darkrai entered the cave and spoke out "oh Cresselia where are you", a Female child Pokemon came from inside the cave and started scattering dust over the floor beneath her, to this cresselia said "Palkia, don't ask how I know your name because I know the name of anyone I come into contact with, I can sense that you are mentally in pain and you need my Lunar dust to heal your psychological wounds". Palkia picked up the Lunar dust and threw it into the air, it landed on him and instantly his worries and confusion vanished as if they had never existed. But it was not for long that peace was to remain among them...

Attack of the Dinofol

A girly scream was heard outside the cave, Darkrai, Cresselia and Palkia ran outside the cave and saw a giant dinosaur looming outside, it was twice the size of Palkia and Palkia was pretty big; the dinosaur had a blade in it's hand and was terrorising the other Pokemon, Palkia saw his chance to battle with another creature and instantly ran towards the beast in an attempt to fight it and show he was boss. Although the beast was tall it was a noob at fighting in armed combat so Palkia could easily have hit with one of his attacks, but for some reason Palkia could not fire a Spacial Rend at it--Palkia hadn't completely recovered his strength and was a sitting duck against the Dinofol. Palkia realised that he could wear out the beast by evading it's attacks but 10 minutes later Palkia was losing power and the Dinofol showed no sign of tiring; then in a matter of luck the beast caught Palkia of guard and started to vertically slice Palkia with it's blade. Palkia had no choice, he used his arm to try and shield the oncoming blow; the blade hit the arm with a clang, the blade just bounced of without even scratching Palkia. The Dinofol went on for seconds but with every attack it did Palkia just shielded it with it's arm. The Dinofol eventually fainted due to exhaustion and Palkia retrieved the last of his lost power, with that he Spacial Rended the Dinofol into oblivion in an act of unnecessary violence for trying to kill him.

The conversion

later that night the city held an honourary feast for Palkia, Palkia enjoyed the feast and proposed a toast to the city that he should take control of it and in return he would fight off any creatures that came to attack. You would now be starting to believe that Palkia was converting to the side of good, but you couldn't be further from the truth <insert name here>...

You see Palkia wasn't trying to make up for his bad deeds, he was plotting for more. What he was doing would involve much betrayal and much destruction, his first plan was to get the respect and admiration of Darkrai, Cresselia and the Pokemon that they guarded; he had succeeded in doing this and was on to stage two of his plan--convert Darkrai to the Dark side.

A few weeks later Palkia entered Darkrai's cave and asked him to sit down, he had a request for Darkrai which involved destroying Cresselia, Darkrai was in shock at what Palkia had just asked of him; he was so shocked that he dashed out of the cave to warn Cresselia about Palkia's request. Moments later Palkia entered the cave and started firing Dragonbreaths at Cresselia, Darkrai did all he could to protect her but he was just too weak to fight off the giant EVIL Penis. Palkia then grabbed Darkrai's neck and started to strangle him, Cresselia tried to help but Palkia kicked her into a wall and knocked her unconscious. Palkia proceeded to strangle Darkrai until Darkrai fell unconscious; Palkia charged Spacial Rend energy to fire it into Darkrai but this time he filled it with anti-matter. Palkia launched the Spacial Rend at Darkrai but it did not kill him, infact it merely made him bigger, more adult and ultimately EVIL.

Darkrai regained consciousness and looked at his grown up body, he grinned at the fact that he felt more EVIL and more powerful than before and looked at Palkia, to which Palkia bellowed

"Welcome Darkrai to your new life of EVIL, you will
serve under me and aid me in getting rid of Arceus"

GETSUGA TENSHOU!

Darkrai accepted this and from that point on he continued to serve under Palkia's tyrannical regime of terror, Palkia left the cave to tell the city Pokemon that they were moving to another planet filled with lush greenery and much water, but this was only a cover up for what he was going to do next. Darkrai was ordered to evacuate all Pokemon other than Cresselia to the new planet, the planet named Earth that Palkia had spotted Arceus creating. Darkrai followed Palkia's orders and when he had done he went into Cresselia's cave and looked at the motionless body there; Palkia then ordered Darkrai to leave the planet so Darkrai did as ordered. Palkia then left the planet and went in search of Arceus in the place from which Palkia was forbidden to enter. Palkia found Arceus and told him to come and see something, Arceus only agreed because he knew Palkia could never defeat him; Palkia proceeded to the planet and shouted to Arceus:

"Behold Arceus the planet that you created destroyed in a matter of seconds"

And with that Palkia charged up his Spacial Rend and fired it straight through the planet slicing through it's core. The planet's gravity could no longer support itself and started collapsing under it's own weight until eventually the planet A SPLODE Darkrai looked back at the exploded planet for a few seconds and then carried on towards Earth, carrying Cresselia as he went...

The Dawn of a New Day (72 Hours remain)

Earth, the significant planet in what would now be the Pokemon world was now home to Pokemon, the obvious may have been stated in the previous sentence but if the sentence hadn't been significant then the stated would not have been obvious. Pokemon had now settled into the region of the planet they thought was best for them and had started mating with each other, this produced babies which led to children which led to certain other things. Arceus was too busy to look after these Pokemon so he summoned a sky Pokemon out of the fabric of life that could protect the Pokemon from Palkia's wrath, he named it Rayquaza and told it to stay forever in the atmosphere and only descend to Earth when there is trouble. Unfortunately Rayquaza disagreed and flew off to feed on various things; he also drank a whole lake and got tipsy. This act of selfishness angered Arceus and drove him to punishing Rayquaza with him having to live in the atmosphere and only descending to ground when there was trouble; concerned with the Deja vu of things Rayquaza accepted BUT ONLY UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS...

• He required food and water in the atmosphere
• He had a place which he can call home
• He can also Descend when he gets bored and needs company
• Arceus allows birds to fly higher so he can eat them
• He gets paid for ridding the land of trouble

Strangely, Arceus agreed to every condition.

Night of the First Day to Night of the Third Day

Absolutely nothing happened

Night of the Third Day--4:30AM

A strange creature emerged from the shadows and walked towards Palkia, Palkia happened to be foraging food on Earth at the time with Darkrai and when Palkia saw this shadow he instantly walked to it. Both Palkia and the shadow met and the shadow whispered "I sense an evil Presence in you, would you like to join me and be my leader?" Palkia jumped at the chance to expand his EVIL empire and agreed. As they were both walking into the dimensional hole Darkrai ran in after his leader, oblivious at the time and only concerned for his leader, Darkrai didn't notice Rayquaza behind him; Rayquaza had seen the dimensional hole appear and went down to investigate. Shortly after Darkrai entered the hole there was an explosion from it and Palkia and Darkrai jumped out, Palkia was bellowing "NOBODY CALLS ME A PENIS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT".

Night of the Third day--5:58AM

Palkia had been planning his revenge scheme with Darkrai ever since he had been insulted by the shadow beast, nobody knew who he was yet because nobody had seen his face and..., at 5:58 Palkia found Arceus foraging for food for Dialga (who happened to be prancing around in a way that if you were to go outside and do it today, you would be called a spastic twat). Palkia then proceeded to glow Purple and charge up a Spacial Rend, Darkrai used a dark power and fed it into Palkia's Spacial Rend. 30 seconds later Palkia let loose Spacial Rend at the sky and as it touched the edge of the atmosphere it exploded--creating a massive spacial distortion! Arceus looked around only to see Palkia now trying to attack Dialga: exhausted from using all his power to help create the spacial distortion, Darkrai could only watch as Palkia viciously tried to destroy Dialga with Arceus the only thing stopping him. Arceus decided to act quicker than Chuck Norris' land speed record and immediately attacked Palkia with his Judgement, once Palkia was stunned, Arceus opened up a dimensional hole (yes he can do that) and told Dialga to go through the hole to the place where he would be safe; unfortunately, Dialga was too stupid to understand Arceus so Arceus had to kick Dialga into the hole--what was really disturbing is that fingernail would have hurt Dialga if it had managed to find it's way up Dialga's ass. Space had been heavily distorted so Dialga wasn't going where Arceus had planned for him to go. Once through the dimensional hole Dialga was not in the place where Arceus was trying to send him but in another place instead...

The First Death of Palkia--Rayquaza

Dispite being Supposedly immortal, Palkia is prophecized to die 3 times from the 3 ultimate heros of Pokemon. The first was Rayquaza, the Ultimate being of the sky; however, there is a long story behind it...

Betrayal

This part of the article does not include Palkia betraying anyone (BLIMEY), instead it is about Darkrai betraying Palkia. 50 years after the incident with the massive space distortion Palkia had commited so many acts of malice and destruction that he had already accumulated a bounty of 1 Billion PoKe (the currency in that universe) among the Magnazone Police force (yes they did have a police force). Darkrai had been as obedient towards Palkia as always but he still questioned Palkia's Evil and destructive motives; it wasn't long before Palkia said to Darkrai that he was going to destroy Arceus once and for all. At that moment something clicked in Darkrai's brain that told him not to follow Palkia anymore and establish a less destructive way of taking over the world; so, after a week of planning and plotting Darkrai set about making a temporary spacial distortion to attract Palkia's attention. Once Darkrai had created the distortion Palkia did indeed find out that only Darkrai created it...AND PALKIA SUDDENLY BELLOWED A ROAR OF UNEARTHLY RAGE!!!

Palkia stormed into Darkrai's house (a cave) and started shouting question after question at Darkrai...

"YOU DARE DO DESTRUCTION WITHOUT MY PERMISSION??? YOU MUST DIE!!!"

"Palkia, your destruction is a path I cannot follow; I prefer to rule the world by inhabiting peoples dreams and giving them nightmares. I rather would leave the world in darkness rather than destroying it"

"Very well Darkrai, YOU MUST DIE!"

And with that Palkia started firing Spacial Rends at Darkrai and chasing him out of the cave into the wilderness, he chase Darkrai until Darkrai ran into a large rock--rendering him airbourne for a few seconds until he crashed down to Earth. Palkia stood in front of Darkrai and charged up a Spacial Rend that was designed to kill him; Darkrai would have died if it weren't for Cresselia flying towards him and swooping him away from death. Palkia's Spacial Rend hit the ground causing rocks and soil to fly up into the air, Palkia realised that Darkrai had been saved and he let out a roar of uncontrolable rage.

Retrieval

Palkia was furious of Darkrai and was now on his hit list, Palkia knew he was now strong enough to take down Arceus and therefore able to kill anything and everything that stood in his way. First Palkia creeped into the place from which he was exiled and started searching for something; Arceus wasn't around so he thought he should best use the time wisely before he did come back. At the place where Arceus was born there appeared to be a shrine, there was a blue stone right of it that appeared to have been slightly dislodged so he picked up the stone and threw it as far away as possible. In the hole that had been secretly underneath there was a kite-like mould and an engraving that said 'protect the universe'; Palkia instantly depicted that this was the Time Sheild and the stone was easy to move because Dialga had to move it (because he had strength equal to the modern day french back then), the time sheild had gone but Palkia didn't really need it at present, no, what Palkia was looking for was the other artifact that was his--Space Sword!

Palkia looked to the left side of Arceus' shrine and found the Purply pink stone, it was as big as Dialga's stone (about half the size of Palkia) and looked untouched. Palkia thought that the scenario was too easy and went to touch the stone; as he lay his hand on it a ray sheild thing came up that gave him a huge electric shock, Palkia's theory had been proved right but Palkia knew that this was more than it seemed, not only was it a defence mechanism but it was a booby trap. Palkia knew Arceus was coming so he had to work fast, he tried all he could to attack and destroy the ray shield but they all lead to an epic fail, he didn't have time to charge up a high energy Spacial Rend so he decided to work through the ray shield logically; he noticed the flashing lights on Arceus' shrine and decided to figure out what the fuck they meant.

Palkia was good at this stuff because he knew all the consequences of his actions and taught himself to think logically and mathmatically--the combination of this and his power made Palkia extremely dangerous; Palkia knew that the purply pink light was the booby trap light and the white light in the centre of the shrine was the call Arceus light, below this was a button to release the control panel to deactivate the alarm, Palkia pushed the button and indeed a control panel popped out of the shrine--unfortunately all the keys were numbered and Palkia had to enter a 12 digit code so going through every combination would take a lifetime and because he couldn't distort time, he really had to think logically, not only that, there was a Zero on the pad.

Palkia noticed the blue light that that only recently came on when he opened the control panel and that the control panel was shaped like a phone panel (phones weren't around then but the panel looked like phone pad). Palkia thought that the code was something to do with Dialga (hence the blue light) and started to ponder, he had to think quick because Arceus was only 1 minute away! Palkia could only think of one thing--Numbers in the alphabet, so Palkia quickly typed in the code

D I A L G A                    04 09 01 12 07 01

It worked, the sheild disappeared and Palkia was free to throw the stone, once he did that he found the Space sword in in the hole and took it; A strange sound was played and a message came up out of no-where saying 'you got the Space sword, this weapon can be used to kill all life forms when in the hands of the ultimate Evil'. Unfortunately Arceus' appearance was imminant and thus Palkia escaped as fast as he could to Earth; when Arceus saw the stones were moved and the sword was gone he feared the worst--and so he should have done...

Murderous Rampage

Palkia now had the ultimate attack weapon in his hand and therefore he knew he should kill all that he needed, the first on his hit list was Darkrai, the one who had betrayed him not so long ago and was rescued by what Palkia thought was a mirage. Palkia knew Darkrai couldn't be too far away and thus he set about finding him, it didn't take him long to search when he found him at the stone of forgiveness--a religious stone erected in favour of Arceus where Pokemon could go and rid themselves of sins and worries. Darkrai was praying for forgiveness and pleaded for his infected Evil to be taken out by Arceus so he could return to normal; unfortunately for him Palkia called out saying

"Pathetic fool, do you not realise that you can never be forgiven for your
bad deeds not only because you were too Evil, but I am now GOING TO KILL YOU"

Upon hearing this Darkrai charged up a dark blob of energy until it was bigger than him, he waited for a moment where Palkia may be unsuspecting and when the opportunity came he threw it at Palkia. The blob dissipated in a puff of dark clouds completely unharming Palkia, Palkia then proceeded to stab Darkrai in the chest--this instantly killed him.

Officer Magnazone (head of the local Pokepolice department) was called to the scene where Cresselia found Darkrai dead, Cresselia was in shock at Darkrai's death and even shed tears for his premature mortality, Arceus was also there and saw the gruesome way Darkrai died, a stab to the chest capable of only one weapon and only one being.

Palkia had figured out that Arceus would be waiting for him so his plan to kill Dialga was falling into place, Arceus was going to wait for Palkia's challenge while Palkia was secretly killing poor, defenseless Dialga. Palkia was also going to kill Dialga to obtain the other artifact--the time sheild; if Palkia could get that, the combined strength of Palkia, the space sword and the time sheild would make him invincible. Palkia set about to find Dialga, intelligence told him that Dialga had been stationed in the recent vicinity to guard the time sheild, unfortunately Dialga couldn't guard fuck so Palkia knew this was going to be a walk in the park. Palkia eventually found Dialga's safehouse and cut through the 42 inch thick steel walls with a combination of the space sword infused with the power of Spacial Rend; he went inside to challenge Dialga and what he found was an illusion of a beautiful sky with grass and flowers everywhere created to stop Dialga having a tantrum and to soothe his mind and body; Palkia hated this and used the power of Space to turn the illusion into a battle arena.

When Palkia stood behind Dialga, Dialga was oblivious to Palkia's presence and kept on playing with stones he had found, Palkia shouted at Dialga and Dialga turned to Palkia, not knowing who he was, Dialga started jumping around at the prospect of having a visitor but Palkia had had enough of Dialga's playful attitude and started striking him viciously with the space sword. Dialga was crying and wimpering but no help came, Palkia was attacking more viciously now and after 30 more seconds Dialga collapsed lifelessly to the floor and Palkia destroyed the stone tablet where Dialga had been playing; in the hole where the stone was lay the time sheild, Palkia picked it up and laughed his most evil laugh since his creation. Palkia had actually done it, he had killed his own brother!

Palkia destroyed the safehouse entirely and changed the sky around it into dense, black clouds which started a rainstorm. You may have been wondering why time hadn't stopped, well, Palkia claimed the power to control time after defeating Dialga, this was all part of Palkia's vile and dispicable plan. Because he was close to Dialga (family wise, not distance), Arceus sensed something was wrong with Dialga and went to Dialga's safehouse, what he saw was no safehouse and Dialga lying lifelessly on the ground; rain was falling on Dialga's body and as Arceus went to touch him, Palkia jumped down from a cloud he was on and landed behind Arceus. Arceus turned to see Palkia standing there and immediately started to attack him with a sword and shield he conjured up from two of his 'one thousand arms', even though Arceus was more armed than Darkrai and more skillful than Dialga, Palkia eventually seemed to overpower him and knocked him to the floor, Palkia then repeatedly stabbed Arceus; only for Arceus to send out a huge godly deathwave that knocked Palkia to his feet. Palkia quickly rose to finish Arceus but Arceus told Palkia of the one remaining Knight that he didn't know about, the one called 'Rayquaza'--the Dragon of infinite courage. Palkia sneered and used a finishing attack on Arceus; Palkia went in search of his enemy and left Arceus to die.....or so he thought. Arceus knew that if he tricked Palkia into believing he had killed him, Arceus could create things without Palkia realising he was still alive and in truth Arceus wasn't hit by the blow at all, instead he used the radiation of space from the space sword to create an illusion that Palkia had finished him but the fact was the space sword missed Arceus and Arceus was unscathed. Arceus waited for his godly recovery abilites to heal him and when his health was at a certain level, he departed to his heavenly halls, planning how his perfect universe would look.

The Battle

Hey <insert name here>, have you been waiting for this part, I have been waiting for it too. Palkia was eager to kill the last remaining for standing between him and World Domination, he set off to where the Pokemon city was in order to cause lots of destruction to entice Rayquaza to battle him, he arrived at the field just outside the city and noticed Rayquaza, talking to the Pokepolice about the lake and whether he could drink out of it. Palkia landed just behind him and the noise from the ground impact alerted Rayquaza to the imminent danger as well as making the Pokepolice absolutely shit themselves out of fear, Rayquaza turned round to face his enemy and accepted Palkia's fight to the death. Despite Palkia holding both the space sword and the time sheild, he was having a hard time striking Rayquaza because Rayquaza was amazingly fast at avoiding Palkia's attacks and attacking with his own. Palkia had no choice but to use his ultimate weapon...

Palkia started glowing around the outline of his body, he put his arms up in the air and created what looked like a dark energy sphere, Rayquaza could only look on at the horror that was unfolding in front of him as Palkia gathered ALL of the dark-matter in the universe into the dark energy energy sphere and used it to transform himself into a 300ft tall monster of pure Evil and Chaos. At this point Rayquaza knew he was going to be unable to drink the fresh lake water, Palkia grinned at the thought of Dinner, Rayquaza panicked at the thought of Palkia's Evil digestive juices (I mean come on, Hydrocloric acid is way too lightweight for Palkia's stomach, Palkia digests things with Pure Evil Acid). Suddenly, as dumb luck would have it, all the Pokemon behind Rayquaza created light auras (consisting of officer Magnazone, several Togekiss and lots of Lucarios), once the light auras had completed, the Pokemon gathered them together and hurled it towards Rayquaza; when the Giant ball of light aura came into contact with Rayquaza and fused with his DNA Rayquaza began to change--change into the biggest hidden mystery of all the Pokemon Universe. When the transformation was complete, Rayquaza had be become the Steel winged Dragon of Justice and Peace.

Palkia was unimpressed by what he thought was an attempt to be harder than him, and continued to fight it to the death. Palkia and Rayquaza were now tied in a deadlock battle of ultimate good Vs ultimate Evil and any one of them could win. Rayquaza attacked with ferocious slashes, powerful bites and supercharged head smashes; Palkia on the other hand feircely threw Spacial Rends, attempted heart stopping grabs and unrestrained body slams into Rayquaza, another thing Rayquaza tried to do was slash Palkia with his metallic wings but this generally worked to no avail. After half an hour of non-stop carnage, Rayquaza and Palkia were becoming exhausted and were low on health. Palkia fired a Spacial Rend at Rayquaza and it hit him in the face; because of this, Rayquaza was starting to power down and therefore he had only one option--fire the most powerful Hyper Beam to have ever been fired!

Rayquaza gathered all the remaining aura energy in its body as well as the power donated to him by Arceus (he knew what was going on) so that he could unleash this ultimate attack, Palkia waited for the attack to be charged so he could be hit with it because he thought that the attack was going to be a doddle to survive. Unfortunately for Palkia, he was wrong... Rayquaza finished charging and with his last breath before the attack he shouted

"IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZAH"

The attack blasted out of Rayquaza's mouth with unmatchable force and it was only when Palkia couldn't evade the attack that Palkia realised that he was FUCKED. The attack tore through Palkia's weak spot, penetrated through his spine and came out the back of his body, the attack destroyed Palkia's internal organs from the inside and made Palkia roar out of sheer agony. Once Rayquaza had finished the attack both Palkia and Rayquaza returned to normal, Palkia was collapsed on the ground and almost dead, but Rayquaza picked up the space sword and said under his breath

"This is for all the Pokemon you have murdered mercilessly"

And with that, he finished Palkia by stabbing him through the head.

The Relinquish of Evil???

Rayquaza an the other Pokemon went to the city hall (every city has a city hall) to celebrate the reign of terror being relieved from the land. Rayquaza was greeted with a heros welcome and was the main guest at the feast being held for the whole city to celebrate Rayquaza's good deeds.

On the battlefield where Palkia was lying, something strange was happening. A metal body had turned up that took the shape of Palkia; then the really strange bit happened, Palkia's conscience was transfered from his dead body to the metal body. When the transferal had been completed, the eyes on the metal body glowed red--Palkia had been reborn in the secret weapon he had been working on for years!!! Palkia (or should I say Palkia's conscience in a metal body) headed for the city hall where all the lights and sounds were, Palkia knew who was going to be there and started preparing for a battle that he couldn't lose.

At the city hall Rayquaza was about to start his feast when he heard a metal clang outside one of the windows; other Pokemon could hear it too and went to investigate. Upon Rayquaza seeing Palkia's metal body about to punch the window he shouted "SHIT" and pushed all the other Pokemon away from the window. Palkia punched through the window, narrowly missed Rayquaza and then proceded to kick the wall down; if it hadn't been for Rayquaza's quick evacuation of the Pokemon, many Pokemon could have died. Palkia forced his way into the city hall and Spacial Rended all the walls until the building was demolished, Palkia then proceeded to completely destroy the city.

Before the city could be completely destroyed Arceus turned up with Dialga (Arceus has the power to resurrect life you know) and this averted Palkia's attention from mindless destruction. Palkia questioned Arceus' continued existance and Arceus replied

"You forgot one small detail Palkia, I am the creator, I have the power
to resurrect life. Dialga lives, and you can never kill me".

Palkia was now grinning, he knew what was about to happen.

The Chaos Realm

The Big Black Hole

Palkia started regathering all the dark matter but didn't absorb it into himself, instead he made something to destroy the planet and all it's inhabitants, he made a Black hole!!! When the Black hole had gained enough strength it started to suck small things inside it and as it got bigger and stronger, heavy objects and small objects from 1000 miles away were being taken to their doom. Arceus was holding on tightly to Dialga to prevent him from being taken in, but Dialga was oblivious to the Black hole because he had very little IQ at the moment. As Palkia made the Black hole stronger, thunderbolts were striking it's centre and causing it to expand at an even faster rate, in 30 seconds the planet was going to go into the black hole and it was going to explode, causing the COMPLETE destruction of the universe. Arceus had one choice, Palkia was diving into the Black hole (because he was immune to all the Black holes effects and could use it to travel to a different dimension to escape) so Arceus held onto Dialga and jumped into the Black hole after Palkia, but Dialga was glowing an extremely bright blue and this was the reason that Palkia, Arceus and Dialga weren't going to a new dimension, but back in time in the same dimension, back to a time before Arceus was born!!!

Back in Time

Arceus was holding onto Dialga as best as he could but he eventually lost grip and they became separated. Dialga was sent to one end of the realm and Arceus was sent to the other; fortunately for Dialga, Arceus was sent to the end where Palkia was. Dialga didn't have a clue what was going on or where he was until Arceus made contact with him and gave him intelligence; with intelligence, Dialga could suddenly speak and think on his own. Dialga's IQ was roughly 90 seing that Arceus could only offer that to Dialga, probably because Dialga was a dog and because Arceus was one mean bastard. At the other end of the chaos realm, Arceus was confronting a giant gas cloud that took the shape of a Penis with a body, a tail, two legs and two arms (you know it's Palkia), Arceus fought the battle reluctantly but he was easily overpowered and it came to a point that another blow would knock him out. Palkia did fire a finishing blow, but only split seconds before Arceus formed a barrier of god-like energy to render the attack useless, but this used up all his energy so he went to sleep to recharge. Palkia chained him to one of the walls of the chaos realm.

An hour after Arceus had been captured, Dialga showed up to battle Palkia and free the sleeping Arceus, Palkia immediately started attacking Dialga and Dialga reacted by using moves he had learnt in the chaos realm such as Dragon Pulse and Flash cannon. 10 minutes later Dialga was struggling to withstand Palkia's brutal attacks and Palkia was charging a massive Spacial Rend to destroy Dialga, Arceus woke up and spoke to Dialga telepatheticly and said that killing him would end all life and Evil would be depleted from the galaxy; but Dialga refused to attack Arceus for reasons of family and Roar of Timed Palkia's weak spot instead. Palkia was affected massively by the attack and lost control of the Spacial Rend so the Spacial Rend was now causing the chaos realm to collapse on itself. Dialga realised that he needed to rescue Arceus so he grabbed Arceus and grabbed Palkia (he needed spacial power to warp out of the chaos realm), Dialga then used his time-warp ability to escape from the chaos realm just before it imploded on itself.

The Second Death of Palkia--Arceus

Dialga was travelling through time holding Arceus and Palkia when Arceus awoke himself, asking Dialga where they were, Dialga said that they were safe and that the destination they were travelling to was being fueled of all three of the Pokemon's powers, Arceus then asked why Dialga was holding Palkia and Dialga said that if he didn't shut up he would let go of Arceus and trap him forever in the time matrix; Arceus had no choice but to shut up at this point because there was nothing he could do while being saved from death. Dialga finished time travelling and closed down the time matrix (what he uses to travel through time), they landed exactly at the spot where they left but everything had been restored; Earth had been replaced, the city hall was standing and Pokemon were everywhere. Arceus looked at the beauty and not only thanked Dialga for repairing it but apologised for not making him intelligent sooner, Dialga said thank you for Arceus complementing him on his repair work and then slapped Arceus in the face, Arceus asked what that was for and Dialga said that he was a complete dickhead for not making him a sentient being at birth; Arceus wanted to argue but he knew Dialga was right and so he kept his gob shut. Peace had been restored to the world, except the fact that Palkia was ready to attack Arceus (despite having 1 HP). He fired his Judgement attack at Palkia's weak spot in his chest and Palkia roared in pain, Palkia was subjected to this attack for so long that it killed him. Arceus didn't leave a corpse to die, instead he trapped Palkia in the Prison of Light, a sacred Place where Evils are imprisoned and cannot escape (although he was technically alive in the prison because of the spiritual power laid upon it, not only that, Palkia was tortured with flowers and gay dancing). With Evil trully vanquished from the land, Arceus and Dialga celebrated along with Rayquaza, Cresselia and Darkrai. Dialga then asked what had happened to the original Chaos being and Arceus described that Palkia had created a time paradox by taking his place, thus causing Earth to be restored.

With that, Arceus set bout on his next project, the pointless creation of a camp little pink thing to inhabit the new universe which he called Mew, which in turn would come back to haunt him when some nerds come up with the stupid 'cult of the womb' idea.

The Age of Creation and Intelligence

995 Years Later

Things had been running smoothly until Giratina (all life was restored) finally realised that Palkia was dead and could never come back, it took him a long time because he was very slow and he was trying to defy handheld console 2D graphic cards by making his world 3D (Asshole). Giratina put his world domination action plan into action but Arceus found him a week later and told him to give up the plan and go to his room; Giratina was peeved at this and reluctantly returned to his dimension. Other than that, Rayquaza had created two beings from his power, one out of rocks, lava and power and the other out of water and wisdom (Groudon and Kyogre respectively). If you read a little further back, Rayquaza was created from air and courage in some random and completely absured way.

5 years even later

The inevitable happened, something that was completely unexpected and ultimately impossible......PALKIA ESCAPED FROM THE PRISON OF LIGHT!!! Yes, Palkia became so powerful that he destroyed the unbreakable seals keeping him in the prison and went back to Earth to cause mayhem. Giratina felt a strange pain in his stomach and went to drink water, but in the waters reflection was the moment that Palkia had escaped from the Prison of Light and distorted the dimensions. Giratina did not get angry with this but instead he decided to use this incident as an advantage to rule the world.

A Rivalry Untamed

Giratina decided to go and introduce himself to Palkia (because Palkia had no idea of Giratina's existance at this time). Giratina entered Palkia's cave that he had taken by force and told him that the shadow that he saw in the dark world was infact him, Palkia got aggresive towards Giratina and started attacking him. Palkia was favourite to win but Giratina had Shadow Force and because Palkia had never worked with disappearing enemies before, he got angry and demanded that Giratina would show himself or be rendered a coward. Giratina's Shadow Force hit Palkia in the back but Palkia was only knocked forward. The battle raged without any real signs of progress until Palkia Spacial Rended Giratina at the moment he appeared from Shadow Force but before he attacked; Giratina was knocked flying and lay on the floor in a crippled heap, Giratina was now very upset that Palkia had just savagely attacked him but Palkia was charging up his signature Spacial Rend 'ending blow' to finish Giratina. Giratina saw his chance to attack and started Dragon Clawing Palkia at sonic speed and pulled off an impressive display of combos, in the end Giratina Dragon Clawed Palkia so hard in his chest weak spot that it left him dead--although it was really suspended animation because Giratina doesn't have the attack, the balls or the ability stop crying like an emo to kill Palkia and he is not one of the 'chosen three'.

Giratina's Rule

With Palkia out his way, Giratina knew he could safely control the Earth and all it's inhabitants without oppression from Palkia. This met with harsh criticizm from the public and the legendaries (Rayquaza, Darkrai, Cresselia and Groudon). Giratina started creating shadow creatures to spread fear into the minds of the public so he could remain in control but the legendaries found these to be a nuscience rather than a threat. The turning point came when a Magikarp accidentally Splashed onto one of the creatures and it disintegrated into nothing, this started a chain of every Pokemon easily overcoming their fears and destroying the creatures. In summary, the shadow creatures were one big epic fail. Cresselia had other ideas though and went to find Palkia because she knew something was wrong. She found Palkia and revived him with the lunar wing, but she told Palkia never to do Evil again; naturally, Palkia ignored this and went on a search for Giratina--he wanted REVENGE!!!

Basically, Cresselia hadn't thought this one through and completely fucked it up for everyone.

By the time Palkia had found Giratina, the war was over and Giratina had allied with Groudon, Rayquaza and Darkrai. Palkia landed on the ground behind Rayquaza trying to attract Giratina's attention, it did, but Giratina ordered Rayquaza to attack. Palkia had massively improved his agility while in the Prison of Light so Palkia dodged Rayquaza's attacks and hit him with a Spacial Rend that sent him flying towards Giratina. Giratina threw Rayquaza aside and took the attack but then healed with 5 litres Lucozade Energy. Giratina ordered a ganged attack but Palkia wiped the floor with all four of them (Cresselia wasn't there at the time); if it had not been for Arceus timely appearance, the 4 Pokemon unconscious on the floor in front of Palkia would have been killed, instead Arceus maxed out Dialga's power so he could Roar of Time Palkia's chest. Palkia survived because he had not been weakened first, Palkia fled the battlefield with 1 HP and decided to search for allies rather than destroy things constantly. Arceus proceeded to give the four half dead legendaries some of his VOLVIC REVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE that was made from Groudon's Volcano water that had been filtered down through the handsome volcano rocks to completely re-heal them to pristine condition.

Cresselia showed up late a minute after Palkia fled and over talking with Arceus, Rayquaza and Darkrai realised that she had made a mistake.

Present Day(ish)

20 years before 10th March 2008, Mewtwo was born and went on a murderous and savage rampage which involved him randomly killing things. Palkia found Mewtwo and wanted to ally with him, but Mewtwo refused and proceeded to attack Palkia; however he was no match and Palkia defeated him quickly. Palkia did not kill Mewtwo but granted him the ability of self-control if he allied with Palkia, trained with Palkia and accepted Palkia as his leader and commander. Mewtwo agreed.

Palkia today

Palkia recently allied with Kyogre because she was the bitchy one you get in Evil corporations, Kyogre did this because of her choice and the fact that Groudon was on the good side. Palkia is still searching for new allies, always battling good guys and training himself and his team to the point of ultimate power. Another thing I forgot was Palkia captured and brainwashed Ho-Oh and Lugia, whoever they are...

The Meat Factory

Palkia does however run a meat factory from suicidal Pokemon that jump of a cliff with a sign saying 'Jump Off Here'. The body hits the spike metal conveyor belt and dies, the meat goes into a processor which is powered by Human slaves which Palkia captured and forced to work (or die the most horrific death imaginable), it gets cut up and sectioned into different boxes (Penises for sausages and other parts for other bits of meat) and shipped to Tesco (So they are Evil!) for a good price in return. For the other scraps of meat and the waste blood, Palkia forces Dialga (long story) to eat it up or he will get whipped (another long story); Dialga doesn't like doing this as he doesn't like meat and it makes him fell upset to eat a creature that once lived. All the Money goes to Palkia (because he said he would destroy the electricity company if they didn't supply him with free electricity) and Palkia just sits there laughing at himself for being very Evil, not giving a shit if you or your mom got poisoned.

Dialga's Kidnapping

Arceus decided that the time was nigh that he should sleep for millions of years for no reason and gave care of Dialga to Giratina (a surprise seeing as Arceus never lets Giratina have what he wants), but Palkia stole him before Dialga was able to get to the location by putting a doggy biscuit on a fishing rod and slowly enticing Dialga into his home; as a result, Dialga got scared and tried to destroy Palkia's home (the one opposite the cliff where Pokemon go to kill themselves) when he saw he was in Palkia's house, and Palkia laughing while standing with a crushed doggy biscuit in his hand didn't really help matters. Palkia knew he had to tame Dialga before he wrecked his home and before he had to write out a load of insurance papers to cost the cover of the damages (he demanded insurance for free or he would kill all the workers), so he went to the local pet store and demanded the biggest whip they made; he got it and surprisingly paid for it. When Palkia got home he whipped Dialga until he made Dialga cry out of immense pain and from this day forth, Palkia uses the whip to keep Dialga under control and stop him trying to defeat him.

Court Judgement

The courts were told by Giratina what was happening to Dialga after sneaking into Palkia's home to try and find Dialga, I mean you would be suspicious if an important package didn't arrive at your doorstep. The courts gathered Dialga, Giratina and Palkia together (they sent a letter to Palkia saying it was an Evil convention and Dialga was to be whipped to show Evil-Doers what it meant to be trully Evil; Palkia knew he'd been had as soon as he walked into the courtroom and got mad with the judge, the Judge then said that Dialga was to be put into the care of Giratina. With that Palkia ran outside with joy and relief and went celebrating in the park outside the courthouse, he got carried away and fired a Spacial rend into a not so far away mountain, the mountain toppled over and made a crunching noise when it hit the ground. Palkia couldn't wait to get over there to see what innocent beings he had killed and what business had been destroyed. When he to the destruction site his face turned from a smiley grin to an annoyed frown, he had just destroyed the nearest Tescos that he traded with.

The next day though the Tesco building had been rebuilt and it was business as normal.

Palkia's Moveset

Best Moves for Palkia

• Spacial Rend
• Surf
• Draco Meteor
• Universal Destroying Anti-Matter Black Hole Explosion

Palkia's Learnset

Level	Attack
-	DragonBreath
-	Penis Slap (This Is Never Used By Palkia)
-	Slash (Anywhere)
10	Dragon Claw (Slash upgrade)
15	Water Pulses
20	Spacial Rend
25	5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Year Old Power
30	Finishing Blow (Spacial Rend Upgrade)
35	Tail Smash
45	Planet Buster (Finishing blow Upgrade)
50	Earth Power
60	Surf
70	Draco Meteor
80	Aqua Tail (Tail Smash Upgrade)
90	Double Penis Slap (never Used by palkia)
100	Black Hole
101	Breakage of every bone in the body and eatage of the remaining flesh after being cut up in to small chunks by Spacial Rend
255	Krakatoa Eruption (1883 incident was caused by Palkia, not by Groudon as commonly believed)
Nintendo Event	Über Sheild
MAX	Universal Destroying Anti-Matter Black Hole Explosion
After MAX	TOTALLY EVIL SPACE PENIS KILLS EVERY POKEMON except for Porygon and its family because Porygon's a dumb computer virus thingy AND ORDERING SOME PIZZA WITH THE REMAINS OF TEH TRAINERS AND POKEMON!! ( Universal Destroying Anti-Matter Black Hole Explosion Upgrade)

Facts about Palkia

• Palkia's Evil originated from the chaos realm where the monster Arceus defeated to create the universe infected Arceus with some of his Evil before he died, the Evil passed into Palkia genetically and developed into an Evil greater than the monster originally in the chaos realm.
• After warping back to the chaos realm (explained above), Palkia replaced the monster in the realm because he was more powerful and more Evil than the original monster, hence a different event occurred afterwards.
• Palkia is the most Evil being to have ever existed...EVER.
• Despite this Palkia is an omnivore, this is possibly to give him an advantage in the field.
• Palkia can kill Chuck Norris and can survive his roundhouse kicks using spacial distortion as a block (every good guy has some weakness).
• Palkia is completely covered in armour that can't be removed, Palkia's skin is actually grey. On a related note, Palkia's lower arm armour is invincible and can deflect any Shoop da woop lazer.
• You can't run from Palkia, if he sees you you're dead.
• At maximum power, Palkia's Spacial Rend can cut through Diamonds as big as the sun in 5 seconds!!!
• Anyone who calls Palkia a penis in front of his face has a 0% chance of living through the experience.
• Anyone that does Evil without Palkia's consent (even his allies) will be executed.
• Palkia is more powerful than any other being in any universe
• Yet 4 beings can stand up to Palkia: Rayquaza, Dialga, Giratina and Arceus.
• For Petunia, see Petunia vs Palkia
• Contrary to popular belief Palkia does have two Penises, one as his head and one as his normal penis. Palkia doesn't actually have foreskin on his head penis because it is Palkia's head and so it would be head skin behind his indestructable armour, although his head is always hard.
• Palkia doesn't appear in the Pokemon manga because the manga already has too many penises in it, they really don't need two more.

The Many Evils of Palkia

List of Palkia's Top 10 Enemies

Although Palkia has many enemies, these are his top 10

1. Giratina (Obvious reasons)

2. Arceus (Another obvious reasons one)

3. Dialga (For no reason)

4. Rayquaza (He's not afraid of Palkia)

5. Groudon (He's a do-gooder)

6. Meta Knight (He fights for peace and justice)

7. Ronald McGoddamn Donald (Everybody hates that bastard)

8. Darkrai (Reasons of betrayal)

9. Dick Cheney (Because he tried to be more Evil than Palkia)

10. Chuck Norris (Because more people are afraid of Chuck Norris than Palkia)

The End Of Existence

The end of existence won't come for Billions of years (if Uncyclopedia is wrong), but this will happen when it does.

Darkrai and Cresselia

Palkia was max strength now (way stronger than you stupid super saiyan Pikachu rubbish), most of the worlds Evil-Doers (even the dead ones) were on his side and his plan was ready. Starting from the 24th December Palkia wanted to cause universal destruction in one week, all the Black holes were in strategic spots in the universe and Palkia was not going to let an army of good stand in his way. First Palkia had to eliminate the two he had first met on the planet below his birthplace (this was destroyed by Palkia) and he had to do it fast; being connected with the moon, Palkia decided to take a chunk of the moon cheese and place it in a random spot on Earth. After a very long wait Cresselia and Darkrai turned up to investigate, Palkia jumped out of his hiding place like a seedot would jump out a tree (but it was WAY more epic and WAY scary) and attacked them; but Cresselia and Darkrai were too weak and they knew they were dead, so they watched Palkia charge up a finishing blow and launch it but as Palkia launched it, Cresselia and Darkrai kissed until both were instantly liquified by Spacial Rend.

Call of War

Palkia went up to Arceus a week later and called him to war, Arceus agreed and departed with his army to the centre of the universe where Arceus knew the final battle would take place. Unfortunately for us, Arceus had been stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap so Palkia took his army of Evil there, hoping to see all of the Arceus' army of good would fall into the trap and die the most horrific death ever known to Pokemon; basically this is genocide on the largest scale you have ever witnessed (as long as you are in the centre of the galaxy, which means you are the Grox, FUCK YOU). Fortunately Dialga was immune to black holes now as well as being able to do difficult mathematical equations) so he led Arceus' army safely to their battlefield and at 10 PM the battle begun, Good Vs Evil.

The Final Death Of Palkia--Dialga

The time had just gone 11:57 PM and the war was about to end, All the combatant legendaries were still alive but many of the other combatants were dead. Palkia was about to duel with Arceus but Dialga stepped in and knocked Palkia backwards; Palkia knew his chance was there and he decided to destroy Dialga there and then, however Dialga was max power and fired his strongest ever Roar of Time into Palkia's weak spot. The battle stopped so all combatants could see Dialga killing Palkia. Nearly all the Evil combatants surrendered at the thought of their leaders death (what weaklings) and let the good side kill them, but that wasn't the nature of them and they forgave the Evil-Doers that were left. Every Evil-Doer that is except Mewtwo, Mewtwo tried to save Palkia by killing Dialga but Rayquaza stepped in, Mewtwo tried to kill Rayquaza with a powerful Psychic blast but Rayquaza's courage told him to sacrificially dive into the blast using an outrage and aim for Mewtwo's body; Mewtwo's and Rayquaza's attacks collided but Rayquaza was strong enough to slam into Mewtwo's body and send him flying into one of the black holes, Mewtwo's tried to escape and was nearly successful but in an act of bravery and justice, Rayquaza dove at him and slammed himself and Mewtwo into the Black hole (typical sacrifice for the greater good approach, the good guys really need to stop throwing thier lives away). Palkia fell to the ground and died, everybody cheered with the exception of Arceus and Dialga; Dialga expected Palkia to do one last act of Evil before he died--unfortunately for Dialga, he was right.

Palkia got up and roared in defiance, he proceeded to collect all the anti-matter in the universe into his body for his final attack (why was Arceus stupid enough not to destroy it all in the first place?), After he collected all the anti-matter he roared loadly once more and exploded in an explosion that Arceus had to protect the universe from, Palkia left behind a fucking huge black hole that was rapidly getting huger and so much more powerful that it destroyed all the strategicly placed ones. Dialga told Arceus to warp all the Planets and life forms into the emergency spiritual world that Arceus had created; but before Arceus had time to argue and come up with a stupidly long list for reasons against his plan, Dialga ran into the centre of the black hole and unleashed all his power onto it. Arceus did what Dialga wished for and at the moment the clock struck midnight, the Black hole exploded and destroyed the universe.

New Life

Arceus warped everything into his spiritual world and everything went back to normal, Giratina went up to Arceus to check on him. However Arceus had used all his power warping everything and was about to die; before he did die he said that Giratina had control of the Universe and he was the new Pokegod, Giratina was delighted and said his first act was to never allow Evil to strike again (but he didn't stop bad things like Rickrolling, which was now a VERY outdated internet meme). Arceus said that he was sorry for being so nasty to Giratina in the past and Giratina forgave him. 3 seconds later Arceus died, his body floating upward into a realm known only to himself, there, he would spend eternity with his old enemy friend and rival God. Giratina assumed the role of Pokegod. His first task was bringing back Darkrai and Cresellia; wait, how did he know they were dead? anyway the two came back safe and sound (it was a bumpy ride though) and Giratina made them his second in commands to protect against Evil, but they did stop to have the frequent snog now and then (oh God here come the babies). Arceus, Dialga and Palkia were never seen again.

Other Legendaries

• Dialga
• Giratina
• Arceus
• Rayquaza
• Mewtwo
• Groudon
• Darkrai
• Cresselia
• Kyogre

The Pokémans Glossary of Pokémon

Pokémon	Charizard ⊙ Charmander ⊙ Gardevoir ⊙ Grue ⊙ Hyundai ⊙ Ling-Ling ⊙ Meowth ⊙ Mew ⊙ Mewtwo ⊙ Mudkip ⊙ Muk ⊙ Pichu ⊙ Pikachu ⊙ Raichu ⊙ Snorlax ⊙ Teh Cheat ⊙ Typhlosion ⊙ Towelie ⊙ Umbreon ⊙ Wobbuffet ⊙ Yoshi
Poképeople	Brock ⊙ Herman Cain ⊙ Max ⊙ Pokemon Kid ⊙ Team Rocket
Poképlaces	Glitch City ⊙ Pikachusetts ⊙ Pokemon Island
Pokéstuff	Video game series ⊙ Anime series ⊙ Trading cards ⊙ 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins ⊙ Christian Symbology ⊙ Gotta Catch 'Em All