UnNews:Typhlosion faced with rampant sexual harrasment charges

Thursday, October 17, 2024

Pictured here is Typhlosion, jawdropped after seeing Chris Hansen outside his mansion

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - Famous final form 2nd generation Fire-type pokemon Typhlosion has been arrested outside of a Pokemon Center in Johto. Recently, the.. uhh.. what the hell is this thing? An echidna? You're, you're sure? Alright, what the heck. Recently, lawsuits have been piling up for the "popular" pokemon (and I say that with heavy quotation marks), as recent accusations have been dug up of Typhlosion allegedly having sex with a young girl, who has been reported to be under 13. "Fans" of the pokemon have been hit with the news and have started distancing themselves away, while Typhlosion's is now off, with Panda Express seeing a meteoric rise in chow-mein, orange chicken, bribery for a better team, orange chicken, fortune cookies, and a prayer, in form of a thousand papers to be folded into cranes in the next week or two.

Police found certain, interesting things inside of Typhlosion's mansion. Inside they found 1,000 bottles of Super Potion inside his house, which were allegedly used for what Typhlosion calls, "Gamefreak-offs" Definitions are unknown as to what that means. *shuffles paper* Is this really an actual story? Yes? The world we live in..

Typhlosion's legal team springed to action, but to no avail. "Johtoans buy in bulk." Lawyer Rob Cunningham said. "I mean, is there any type of situation in which you wouldn't? God Bless Ameri- Johto." This claim was quickly disputed by Poke Mart, which says that they, "don't sell that many Super Potions" and "How the hell do you fit all of that in your house?". Typhlosion's legal team has not responded to this claim and I doubt their fathers respond to them either.

So, now that we've covered the legal side of it all, let's turn to the actual story. "I swear I thought she was 18, I didn't know she was 6th Generation!" Typhlosion said. "I mean, X&Y released back in 2013, so if you do the math that's about.. 18 years ago right?" ...You would think that a game with these characters would have at least someone with numeracy. And wait, this just in we've found that hundreds of allegations have been flooding in! Ranging from 17 to 6! Wait.. Let me check..

...

6 months. What the f-

UNNEWS WILL BE RIGHT BACK, IN RETURN HAVE THIS CARD. IT TURNS INTO A SPONGE WHEN YOU PUT IT IN WATER. DRINK COCA COLA. DRINK COO COO COLA

Sources

• Paul Tassi "Pokémon’s Typhlosion Goes Viral After Game Freak Leak For The Weirdest Possible Reason" Forbes, October 16, 2024

The Pokémans Glossary of Pokémon

Pokémon	Charizard ⊙ Charmander ⊙ Gardevoir ⊙ Grue ⊙ Hyundai ⊙ Ling-Ling ⊙ Meowth ⊙ Mew ⊙ Mewtwo ⊙ Mudkip ⊙ Muk ⊙ Pichu ⊙ Pikachu ⊙ Raichu ⊙ Snorlax ⊙ Teh Cheat ⊙ Typhlosion ⊙ Towelie ⊙ Umbreon ⊙ Wobbuffet ⊙ Yoshi
Poképeople	Brock ⊙ Herman Cain ⊙ Max ⊙ Pokemon Kid ⊙ Team Rocket
Poképlaces	Glitch City ⊙ Pikachusetts ⊙ Pokemon Island
Pokéstuff	Video game series ⊙ Anime series ⊙ Trading cards ⊙ 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins ⊙ Christian Symbology ⊙ Gotta Catch 'Em All