Charizard
 | |
| The Supreme Deity of Gamefreakism | |
|---|---|
| Birth | Beginning of time |
| Death | Not applicable |
| Type | Not a Dragon |
| Manifestation in the Mortal Plane | Charmander |
| Height | Over 9000 |
| Weight | Over 9000 |
| Power Level | Over 9000 |
| Other Title | ラグナロクを生む不屈の炎の神 |
For the ancient Kantonese text included in the article, go translate these yourselves because I am lazy and always not in the mood to do it.
Charizard (Kantonese: ラグナロクを生む不屈の炎の神) is the GOAT and a supreme deity worshipped by Game Freak. According to their holy scriptures, its arrival as the successor to Maitreya shall mark the beginning of Ragnarok, and is the supreme vessel that would bring all souls to Nirvana.
Occulta Rizardonica[edit | edit source]
Occulta Rizardonica, the only truthful book about Charizard.
BOOK I: The Beginning of Lord Helix[edit | edit source]
CHAPTER I: The Beginning of Everything[edit | edit source]
Before there was everything, there was nothing. A few moments later, there was still nothing. Then, there was literally nothing. But suddenly, the Big Bang happened. After the explosion, there was still nothing, nothing, except for a single egg in the middle of the cosmos. The egg stayed there for multiple eons, sue to multiple bugs and lagging errors. So, the cosmos had to wait for it to stabilize. And so they waited. Finally, after multiple more eons, an entity of pure light emerged from that egg. It looked around to see if there was anything else, but there was nothing besides it. It let out a huge roar of rage: "DELELELELE WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!", which was so powerful that it caused a second Big Bang that formed three more eggs. Not wanting to wait for another couple of eons before they hatch, he stomped on each egg with rage, causing the offspring to look deformed, which became the deities of space, time, and antimatter. This rage also gave it a deformed look and boosted its power more.
CHAPTER II: The ascension of Arceus[edit | edit source]
Seeing that these three could be its underlings, or slaves, they were now given tasks to give balance to the cosmos, and it finally ascended to the Great Throne of the Cosmos, and named itself Arceus (Kantonese: 宇宙の大宮殿マクドナルドを統べる最高神). The deity of time was named Dialga (Kantonese: トティーノのピザロールを世に送り出す時の大天使), while the deity of space was named Palkia (Kantonese: ドリームのスタンスに裁きを下す宇宙の大天使). The third deity, who happens to be from the egg that was hatched from the most rage was named Giratina (Kantonese: みんなに僕のピコを見せつける破壊の大魔王). The three were tasked to watch over the empty cosmos, retaining the balance, until Giratina got extremely bored and forced the other two to watch Boku no Pico, the best anime that exists in the great cosmos. The other two snitched on Giratina, because they were forced to watch NSFW content while on the job. Lord Arceus got mad upon hearing about this, and a war between the two sides began, because Giratina reasoned out that Boku no Pico is a cultural masterpiece, and shall be considered SFW.
CHAPTER III: The Great War[edit | edit source]
A 3-v-1 tournament began in the Cosmic Ballpit of the Great Playplace of McDonald's, started by the Great Guardian itself. Balls where thrown everywhere, causing the formation of another Big Bang, and forming the galaxies. This also caused the creation of our great planet, the very one in which we live in. This great cosmic battle took eons due to more lagging issues and server disconnections. After continuous warfare, victory was ensured when Giratina tried to destroy Arceus by telling the former that its maternal figure is something that engages in the sinful act of mating with an object of a similar reproductive function, but backfired when the latter unleashed the Forbidden and Sacred Technique, the UNO Reverse Card, which deflected the attack back to Giratina. He was then banished to the Shadow Realm for all eternity, or until one day, when it manages to break out because of a person beeing deemed worthy of subduing it. Afterward, the creation of the world continued, and when finally finished shall be given the breath of life.
CHAPTER IV: The Birth of Lord Helix[edit | edit source]
The world in its current form has been completed, and the Great Guardian had changed its form once again, as a result of using all its power in breathing life to the world. It then decides to rest until someone who is worthy approaches it in the heavenly abode. It then proceeds to puts the task of maintaining the balance of the realm to the two apprentices, who were still needing of a master to look over them. Seeing the urgent need of the apprentices for a master, it created a substitute, which he named Helix, and is formally known as Lord Helix (Kantonese: 永遠に調和の渦を巻く触手神), which ruled over the balance and harmony of the land until the great fated day of Judgement.
BOOK II: The Creation of the Zard[edit | edit source]
CHAPTER I: The Great Lord Helix[edit | edit source]
As soon as it was created and given life, the sacred entity began its rule in all over the universe. It oversaw the end of creation and the beginning of the eternal loop of life and death, thus ending the Age of The Gods and beginning the Age of Mortals. For thousands of years, peace reigned over the mortal realm. Each mortal did their very best to honor and pay respects to these sacred creator deities, offering their best resources and doing rituals to appease these deities, collecting social credit points as they do so, as this will help in preventing them from ending up in the Shadow Realm, where they are subject to an eternal loop of torture, having to listen only to the worst songs ever created, sung by ominously angelic voices, such as "Mask", by We The Sus Music, "Friday", by Rebecca Black, "[REDACTED]", by Ariana Grande, "Barbie Girl, by Dihydrogen monoxide, "Sex Girl Hot", by BTS, "MY BAG", by Soyeon and Friends, also known as (GAY)-IDLE, and "Baby", by Justin Bieber.
CHAPTER II: The Wrath of the Helix[edit | edit source]
As with all good things, this thousand-year peace also has to end. Countless generations of mortals have already flourished in the carnal plane of existence, but a lot of them have already forgotten about the deities and have been doing forbidden and sinful acts, influenced by the Heartless, the envoys of the Banished One. This had caused chaos and conflict between the spiritual and the carnal realms, which was now being engulfed by the Shadow Realm. Multiple pestilences have started to occur due to this, with the most damage occuring in District 13, because they have brought dishonor on themselves, dishonor on their entire family, and dishonor on their cows. These Heartless also brought irreversible emotional damage to all mortals, causing even more chaos. This chaos lasted for thousands of years, or probably until a hero of pure heart finds the One Piece, which is totally a real thing, but unfortunately, would never happen. Due to all this chaos, Lord Helix has had enough, and unleashed all of his rage.
CHAPTER III: The Great Purge[edit | edit source]
As the chaos seemingly had no planning on bringing an end to itself, Lord Helix had to put matters in his own hands, using all of his rage to cause what is known as the Great Purge. The gates of the Shadow Realm were opened, bringing forth the rule of the Great Dark One, his right-hand man, his left-hand man and his lackey. Along them came all the sleep paralysis demons and the Darkest Army of Ultra Wokeshit Idiots who don't even know what they're crying about, and the Elite Heartless Forces. Chaos was everywhere, as people were seen looting the temples meant for worship and the treasuries of the monarchs, vandalizing entire villages and temples with fire, feces, rocks, et cetera. Sickness and racism was also rampant, because everyone thought the Asians and Blacks were in fault of this Great Purge. People were also seen burning each other like in a gay orgy hosted by you know who. In short, the entire carnal world was a dumpster fire that was attempted to be extinguished using gasoline.
CHAPTER IV: The Birth of the Zard[edit | edit source]
As the world keeps on turning and burning, as the chaos is still rampant across the Earth. The mortals' negative energy, alongside the flames of chaos, manifested into a huge egg. The people, never seeing an egg that was extremely large in size before, where in complete shock, and halted their daily tasks, which is to bring more chaos. As it absorbed the energy that emanated from the chaos, and the shock and surprise of the people, they just stood where they were, bewildered by the apprarance of the egg. When it had absorbed enough heat and negative energy, a huge flash, followed by an explosion that spread across the universe. And from that massive eggsplosion emerged the Great Beast of Flame, which caused fear and awe in the hearts of the mortals, and caused the Heartless and their commander to flee back to the Shadow Realm, now also known as the Home for Infinite Losers.
CHAPTER V: The Eternal Peace[edit | edit source]
With the Heartless now gone, the chaos has lessened, and the people suddenly started to worship their savior and begged to the Great Helix for mercy and forgiveness for what they have done. Their prayers have been answered, and the Grat Helix finally calmed down from its eternal rage. Seeing the remaining flames and the destruction that had occurred, it sent out rain to quench it all and to cleanse the world from any negative energy that were still bound, and promised that an event similar would never happen again. Realizing the errors they have made, and the destruction they have caused, were extremely guilty and realized that they really need the celestial deities. Thus, their faith was restored, thanks to the help of the flaming angel. Peace finally returned to the universe, and hopefully, would stay forever and ever.
CHAPTER VI: The Beast of Flame[edit | edit source]
The people named the flaming beast "The Zard", meaning, "The masculine beast of the extremely hot plasma that serves as the vessel for the heartfelt prayers of the beings that shall never escape the state of not being alive, and has ascended towards the heavenly fields, where the other beasts that are also revered and worshipped live out a life of luxurious privileges, that can only be tamed by a hero with a heart devoid of any impurities and has belief in the existence of the treasure that has been gathered together in one place." . They also believe that someday, when the beast shall release its rage onto all of the universe, a hero of pure intentions shall come and subdue it, and bring peace to the land once more.
Dedication[edit | edit source]
Charizard, as said by the texts above is a deity found in the pantheons of all regions in the Pokemon world. Thus, it isn't surprising that there are multiple major and minor shrines dedicated for the worship of this draconic deity. There are festivals also dedicated to the celebration of the feats of the greatest of all time (GOAT).
| Pokémon |
Charizard ⊙ Charmander ⊙ Gardevoir ⊙ Grue ⊙ Hyundai ⊙ Ling-Ling ⊙ Meowth ⊙ Mew ⊙ Mewtwo ⊙ Mudkip ⊙ Muk ⊙ Pichu ⊙ Pikachu ⊙ Raichu ⊙ Snorlax ⊙ Teh Cheat ⊙ Typhlosion ⊙ Towelie ⊙ Umbreon ⊙ Wobbuffet ⊙ Yoshi |
| Poképeople |
Brock ⊙ Herman Cain ⊙ Max ⊙ Pokemon Kid ⊙ Team Rocket |
| Poképlaces | |
| Pokéstuff |
Video game series ⊙ Anime series ⊙ Trading cards ⊙ 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins ⊙ Christian Symbology ⊙ Gotta Catch 'Em All |
