Gotta Catch 'Em All

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“This game sucks”

~ Ash on Pokémon

“In Soviet Russia Pokémon Catch YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on nomèkoP.

Gotta Catch 'Em All, while made popular by the video game and childrens' series Pokémon, originated in early drafts of Charles Darwin's On The Evolution of Species. Darwin's 1859 book was published without this groundbreaking theory due to his belief that if he published his theory of catching 'em all, then like-minded scientists would also try to catch 'em all, hindering his own progress.

Darwin's "Gotta Catch 'Em All" Theory began to take shape after Darwin observed what he called "evolution" in various species of animals, particularly in the Galapagos. Darwin's theory of natural selection and survival of the fittest soon followed logically into the Gotta Catch Em All Theory. The theory states that in order to facilitate and speed the process of evolution, one must capture animals and force them to duel, therefore killing off weaker species so that the strongest rise up in the evolutionary chain.

Early Practice[edit | edit source]

Initially, Darwin captured his animals in cages, but found that the technology was primitive at best and required large amounts of transportation to be arranged. After coming up short at the UPS store, he was unable to duel a lion and panda and felt that evolution would slow if he wasn't able to find an alternative to the expensive-to-ship cages. This resulted in the Pokéball, for which the popular Nintendo franchise derives its name. The Pokéball consisted of several high-tech gadgets aimed at reducing mass and recreating the creature's original habitat so that it could survive until it's next battle. The first Pokéball was simply a glass jar with holes poked in the lid. Darwin threw the Pokéball to the ground, but found that the explosion of glass fragments killed the beetle inside. All later models included a transmogrifier for reducing the creature's mass and a twig with various plants and grass clippings to make the creature feel at home. These were much more successful and could be fitted safely into a pocket.

Acceptance as a Theory[edit | edit source]

Soon after Darwin's death, his basement was found to be full of Pokéballs containing various highly evolved animals. The discovery was regarded as highly entertaining, and illegal cock fights began to take place regularly in small underground societies. Many scientists saw beyond cock fights though and began fighting other animals to further Darwin's evolutionary goal. By this time, old drafts containing Gotta Catch 'Em All had leaked to the science community, and many had embraced the theory. Large groups of Catch 'Em All experts battled their animals in K-Mart parking lots and abandoned warehouses across the world.

Outlawing[edit | edit source]

Gotta Catch 'Em All was outlawed to the public in the United States in 1983 following a particularly vicious battle between a level-2 ostrich and a highly evolved animal that had not previously been seen. The battle ended in the destruction of an entire warehouse and the death of all scientists involved or otherwise spectating. An audio tape of the battle was created by a government agent using high-tech listening devices that clearly has the sounds of the level-2 ostrich as well as the repetition "Pika, pika, PIKA!" of the other animal. Shortly after this, the tape cuts out. In court, the agent described the next moment as "... lightning from the sky ..." and the complete destruction of the building.

Current Practice and Pokémon[edit | edit source]

Although outlawed, Gotta Catch 'Em All lives on through government tests. Although the government denies this, several government agents have stated that the practice does continue, though all such agents have since become unpersons. Unable to tame the public interest in Gotta Catch 'Em All, the government created the secret Department of Nintendo to introduce [Pokémon], a Gotta Catch 'Em All simulator. Although Pokémon allows for Gotta Catch 'Em All to gain a certain amount of interest, it plays it off as a childish game of collecting cards in order to stop its acceptance by adults.


Famous Believers[edit | edit source]

Although Darwin is the most well known believer, mainly for creating the theory, some have said that perhaps Noah was ahead of his time by being the first and only person to ever catch 'em all. Noah, who is also known for building the ark, gathered not just one of each species, but a male and female, effectively catching 'em all twice. While Noah succeeded in this, other believers say that Noah captured the animals in order to preserve them. This preservation included even the weakest of animals, rather than the battle of all creatures to find the most fit to survive. Noah's defenders claim that although he didn't battle the animals, he provided for evolution by preserving and potentially broadening the gene pool through future animal reproduction. Many claim that this is incorrect and that evolution can only come about through the brutal animal fights Gotta Catch 'Em All has came to stand for. The only other famous believer in Gotta Catch 'Em All is Stephen Colbert, who claims that the evolutionary products of these wars will eventually be used to fight off terror and all other enemies of freedom.