Eevee

Eevee
Another fine addition to my Pokedex!
Scientific classification
Domain	Eukaryota
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Pokemonii
Genus	Eevee
Binomial name
セックスしたい変態生き物 (Sekkusushitai hentai ikimono)
Specifications
Primary armament	Furred sex object
Power supply	Depends
Weight	7 lbs
Length	17"

“Would.”

– You

“Professor Oak asked specifically for this one.”

– Ash Ketchum, on Eevee

Eevee is a small, furred, (not furry), creature that is one of the few compatible Pokemon able to be bred with a human being. Famed for their appearance in the various Pokemon games birthed by the villainous corporation known as Nintendo, or Evil Corp, they have become a favorite amongst fans. Since 2018, Eevee has had an official day put in place by The Pokémon Company, where it, its evolutions, and it's illegitimate children are nationally celebrated, known as Eevee Day.

History

Discovered in Africa underneath a small rock in the 1940's, they were piled onto a ship to be taken back to Great Britain for a large scale orgy. Halfway to the British Isles however, the ship was sunk by a Japanese submarine, the W-2 Nintendii, piloted by a young Gary Bowser. The Japanese sailors noticed the small creatures pitifully swimming about in the wreckage, and having not seen or been near a woman in months, petitioned Bowser to bring some aboard for "comfort purposes." Bowser agreed on the condition that he got first pick, and several Eevee were brought aboard. There was much confusion as to whether they were females, males, or just hermaphrodites, but at that point nobody really cared one way or another. The sailors made sure to remove their socks to ensure their encounters would not be gay, even if it was a male Eevee they copulated with. Gary Bowser triumphantly returned to Japan with his hoard of new sex slaves, ready to show them off to the emperor, but thanks to his 6 month detour to have an orgy in Alaska, by the time he made it to Japan, the Japanese homeland had been nuked. TWICE! Bowser was heartbroken, and lived like a recluse in a hut on top of a mountain. The only time anyone could verify he still existed was at night, when he would yip and howl whilst going at it with whatever Eevee he had closest to him. Historians argue that he had given up his Eevee obsession soon after returning to Japan, and began to fornicate instead with another species, the Gardevoir, which was formed from irradiated plants that combined with a crowd of swimwear models near Hiroshima.

Biology

"Yeahhhh baby! That's what I'm talking about! Wooooo!"

General appearance

Eevees are usually small, around the same size as a pet rabbit, or perhaps a very large shit in a gas station toilet. It is a quadruped, meaning that it has 4 legs and only one head. Probably. It is a mammal, meaning it most definitely has titties somewhere, but scientists have yet to discover any, leading them to assume that most Eevees are hermaphrodites. No penis or penis-like appendage has ever been found on any Eevee, which only backs up the aforementioned theory. Every Eevee does come with a "rear orifice" however, confusing geneticists and leading them to classify it as a freak mistake of nature. It is vaguely feline, with a cat-like face and a mane much like a lion that got assaulted at a barbershop. It's tail is lion like as well, and can be mistaken for a paintbrush, only being obviously a tail when it moves. The Eevee has large round eyes that function like mirrors, much to the enjoyment of Eevee lovers who enjoy seeing themselves while doing the dirty. It has 4 little paws, with no claws, and long rabbit-like ears which give enjoyers of the Eevee something to hold onto whilst "cannonballing" it from the backside.

If touched in the right place, the Eevee can evolve into a less desirable form, so Eevee partners must be careful not to do this. The special place is unknown to scientists, and appears to move around inside and even outside the Eevee's body, causing much confusion as to where it might be. It is known in the science world as the "E-spot," and is similar to the human G-spot in most regards.

Other Forms

Shiny Eevee

An ultra rare form of the Eevee can be found, and is called a "Shiny Eevee" thanks to its glistening metallic fur. The only shiny ever to be caught was admired by the world in a zoo for 5 whole years before a zookeeper discovered it was just metallic silver spray paint that had been applied to the Eevee some time ago.

Gigantamax Eevee

Another very rare form of the Eevee is the "Gigantamax Eevee" which is considered the "most compatible" of the rare forms with humans due to its size. The Gigantamax stands nearly 9 feet tall, and while it's fur is highly luxurious and pleasing to the touch, it also has very poor hygiene, causing it to be surrounded by perpetual clouds of miasma, leading to frequent STDs. The Gigantamax has also caused several deaths, as people often underestimate the weight of 9 feet of fur when it stands on top of them.

Partner Eevee

While not technically a true or natural form of the Eevee, the partner version is a title bestowed on any Eevee that is actively involved in a physical relationship with a human being. The partner form gains a bushier tail with a heart shape, bigger eyes, and improved flexibility and acrobatic skill, enabling some very interesting combinations or positions in the bedroom.

Evolutions/Offspring

Not even Batman can stop them...

Vaporeon

Often considered the most desirable Pokemon of all time, Vaporeon was the consequence of Eevee's one-night-stand with a merman. Vaporeon is blue in color, slimy to the touch, and perpetually lubed up, making it a highly desirable companion by Pokemon trainers, breeders, and just about anyone with internet access. Vaporeon is at home in water, on land, and in the bedroom, and has a long fish-like tail as well as large sharp fins around its face.

Jolteon

Jolteon is kind of like the retarded younger brother that nobody cares about, but who is also coincidentally being used as a power source in their local nuclear reactor. Wait, your retarded younger brother isn't being used as a power source in your local nuclear reactor? Don't be ridiculous.

Flareon

A few things to say about Flareon: make sure the condom is fireproof, you have a large bucket of water nearby, and can tolerate extreme spice levels. Oh, and don't ever bring Flareon into the house, your fire alarm will go off constantly. If you are African or just black, your fire alarm will already be broken so feel free to take them inside. Be wary that they do not walk around and set fire to the home, as insurance does not cover that type of fire damage.

An Espeon, looking especially breedable

Espeon

A pink colored Eevee, highly desired by lesbians due to its girlish appearance. Appears to be the result of a sleepover with an Bangladeshi woman, as it is born with a red dot on its forehead.

Umbreon

The "cool" and "edgy" version of Eevee, Umbreon is both black AND bald, giving it a -10 in rights and a -10 in sexual attractiveness.

Leafeon

Leafeon is literally a houseplant that mysteriously got impregnated by an Eevee, (or vice versa), and an Eevee covered in leaves was the result. Functions as a houseplant, but with far more needs, as it requires more than just water. Some humans are allergic to Leafeon, as it produces pollen from the large leaf tail when it flowers in the Spring.

Glaceon

Popular in the fur suit community fur its good looks, adventurous mindset, and high sex drive, Glaceon is the direct result of someone stuffing an ice cube up the butt of an already pregnant Eevee.

Sylveon

Sylveon is not a real Eevee, and does not exist, yet Pokeologists consistently claim that they have managed to breed one of them. "You can't see it, stupid! Only I can see it, and only I get to fuck it!" was the statement from head of Eevee development Professor Oak Koowuri.

Eevee Day

Eevee Day is on June 21st, and a grand celebration is held in downtown Tokyo to celebrate all things Eevee. Attended by an average of 4 million people, Eevee Day is one of the largest annual events in the world. Eevee Day goers often dress up as Eeevee or one of its evolutions, and there is a huge rise in STDs both from human/pokemon contact, human/human contact, and pokemon/human/used condom contact. The entire day is full of carousing, orgies, eating competitions, and pokemon catching, (and breeding, of course). The favorite food during Eevee Day is known as "Emilk", and is a sort of creamy milk substance made from secret ingredients, supposedly not available to the public. Eevee day is not recognized by the government of Japan or anywhere else, so if you plan on visiting, 1) bring a triple strength condom, 2) be aware you won't get work off on this day, and 3) do NOT dress up as a Vaporeon evolution, unless you are trying to beat Bonnie Blue's unbeatable record.

See also

• Pokemon
• Sex toys
• Mammals