Vaporeon
| Vaporeon | |
|---|---|
 Yet another fuckable Pokemon... | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Domain | Eukaryota |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Pokemonii |
| Genus | Vaporeon |
| Binomial name | |
| Sectual Suckubus | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Wetness, Big eyes, Hypothetical claws |
| Power supply | Water, |
| Weight | Before or after you "spend time" with it? |
| Length | 2-3 feet |
“Professor Oak said he was going to let it feel his Poke-balls.”
– Ash Ketchum, on Vaporeon
Vaporeon is a water type Pokémon known for its stuffed plushies always being sold out online[1] its ability to dissolve into water at will. Vaporeon is often considered to be right behind Eevee, or in some cases better than Eevee, when it comes to compatibility with humans. Vaporeon is one of the "popular" Pokemon, up there with the likes of Chorizo-lizard and Peek-at-You or whatever their names are. Unlike those Pokemon and most others, however, the Vaporeon appears to have been specially formed for physical interactions with human beings, leading to it being the unofficial most popular Pokemon of all time, beating out that squeaking electrical yellow piece of fuzzy shit always carried around by Ash Ketchum.
History[edit | edit source]
Leading theory[edit | edit source]
According to the main theory, Vaporeon is the illegitimate offspring from an affair between an Eevee and a merman while on vacation in Aruba. After being born, little Vaporeon was immediately chucked into the ocean to drown by its thoroughly disgusted parents, but managed to survive and was brought up by the denizens of the sea as a result[2].
Alternate theory[edit | edit source]
An alternate history source claims that Vaporeon was actually more of a mistaken Pokemon "sex change" of sorts. Apparently, little Jolteon, (one of Eevee's earlier "accidents"), was prone to being a horrible prankster around the house. Jolteon placed a bucket of water on top of Eevee's bedroom door, that was supposed to just splash down on her head when the door opened. Unfortunately, Jolteon was super retarded, and thought that the quickest way to get water into the bucket was to place a water stone in it in lieu of actual water[3]. Eevee came home after a long day of doing whatever it is that Pokemon do, opened the door, and BONK! The water stone rocketed down onto her cranium, knocking her flat out for a whole week, and transforming her into a Vaporeon in the process. Soon after, Jolteon was graciously "gifted" to a local power company, and has been used as a power source ever since.
Neither story has been confirmed or verified by more than one person at any given moment, so both are accepted as possible origin stories by the Pokemon Society[4].
Biology[edit | edit source]
The Vaporeon is usually a shiny blue color, reminiscent of its father, the merman. They do not have any scales however, and seem to be more akin to a slug: coated in slime. Scientists discovered that it worked shockingly well as a natural lube early on in their experience with Vaporeon.
They have lithe, slender, almost sensual bodies, with feline facial features. For the most part, they look almost identical to Eevee, with the few odd changes such as fins on their head instead of a mane, a severe case of slime, and a fish tail complete with two fish fins blasting out of their rear end. Vaporeon is a quadruped as well, and unlike its mother, does appear to have claws... occasionally. Scientists think that the occasionally appearing claws are not for attack or defense, but are for "aesthetic" purposes, able to be disposed of and regenerated when needed. Scientists also claim that Vaporeon has gills, and that they "feel better" than the other orifices when a sexual appendage is inserted into them for research purposes, but no one knows quite what they are talking about, nor has anyone else found any gills, leading them to be labelled "hidden G-spots."
The Vaporeon has many water based powers granted to it from its father, such as the ability to sense an oncoming rainstorm. Whenever a raindrop hits its head, the Vaporeon goes ballistic and begins chewing off the table leg, or your leg, whichever is nearest at the time of rainwater impact.
The Vaporeon also has an ability much like a snake in that can open its jaws very wide, except in Vaporeon's case... let's just say it is not only the mouth that can take large objects being pushed into it... Unrelated, and strangely enough, a little known fact that would send most Pokemon fans into cardiac arrest is that 6 out of 7 Vaporeons are males! That's right, chances are that you have had gay sex! This surprise realization was discovered when scientists observed a herd of Vaporeon during their mating process, and they discovered that there were practically no females in existence leading to massive gangbangs and six-on-one "mating rituals". While to the untrained eye they are seemingly just another regular Pokemon operating off instinct alone, Vaporeons seem to mysteriously know when the balance of males to females gets out of order, and they will ritualistically sacrifice the extra females by hurling them at rival Pikachus, electrocuting them to death.
Forms[edit | edit source]
Standard forms[edit | edit source]
Vaporeon can occasionally take the form of a Vaporeon Gigantamax, much like its predecessor, Eevee. In this case however, Vaporeon simple gets extremely fat, and cannot turn into water. Vaporeon Gigantamax CAN turn into pure grease when in this form, which makes this form popular in the kitchen of Poke shops.
When placed inside a gem like substance, Vaporeon becomes a special material called Eevium-Z, which is used in building drywall, horse saddles, and fake jewelry.
Vaporeon is a "final form," and cannot evolve further.
Human hybrids?[edit | edit source]
Human hybrids? What are you- oh no, you fucked that Vaporeon, didn't you? You sick freak! Who knows what accursed creature is going to pop out of it, or worse, you fucked a male Vaporeon and now you're might get Pokemon AIDS! At least you wore that condom, right?
I didn't wear a condom...[edit | edit source]
Oh lord, man, you really are in trouble. Scientists haven't even learned the full extent of Pokemon AIDS, but rest assured that you will die a painful death, probably while mumbling things like "Pika pika pika" and other retarded shit. Fuck, man, didn't you learn anything in college?
I didn't go to college, I stayed home and fucked Vaporeon[edit | edit source]
Goddammit, next you're going to tell me you didn't go to high school either, don't have a drivers license, no job, and CLEARLY no bitches... Oh well, since you already did the deed, let's take a deeper look at why you may have done this.
Compatibility with humans...[edit | edit source]
sigh...
The size of the average Vaporeon being about as large as a standard dog and no smaller than a house cat means that they're large enough to be able to handle human dicks, and with their high HP, you can be very rough with one. Due to their water based origins, the aroused Vaporeon is almost always wet. Like, really wet. Ok, really wet when not aroused, even. So wet, that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore.
“Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. ”
– The Pokemon Company's statement on compatibility
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ No, literally, always sold out! The Pikachus are in stock, but nobody is fucking Pikachu!
- ↑ Eevee later expressed regret, stating that she should have "stomped his stupid blue head in" instead of trying to drown him
- ↑ A water stone does NOT produce water. Jolteon is just a stupid idiot
- ↑ The Pokemon Company denies these both and claims that Vaporeon just "came to be"
