Worst 100 Reasons to Become a Christian of All Time
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There is no real reason to be Christian, other than the ones the Bible tells you. The thing is, if the bible is wrong, and it tells you what to believe, then what you believe is wrong.
Uhh, just kidding. The Real Reasons:
Everybody's doing it.
- Having people tell you what to think and believe is the first step to being a Christian.
Greco-Roman gods just don't hold out the promise they used to.
- Xenu triumphs!
- Except for Taoism, which doesn't require ANY tithes.
Jesus is going to be really pissed if you don't.
- Be scared! WOoOoOoO. He's going to get you!
- …need we say more?
George Dubya Bush is one.
- If the president is one, it must be good!
- this is only true as the bible is made of weed.
Satan is bad.
- He's evil. He lets people lead their lives the way they want to.
Church cleanses your soul.
- After all, you could be doing much better things!
Pope wears a cool hat, and he's a christian.
- You might also be able to wear one (if you're a man and a virgin).
- The decision on being a Christian is led by your faith alone. That's why we put annoying men on almost every street corner to pass out little copies of the New Testament.
- What could be better than dying and ascending into the clouds where you spend the rest of eternity hanging out with CHRISTIANS?!? I know… An eternity of Hellfire!
- Dude, if you're hearing voices in your head, it's probably not God.
- And then you can go sin up a storm together and be forgiven next week!
- Note - Catholics only.
- Really, man. What did Buddha ever do to YOU?
- Trust me, it doesn't work.
They serve soup: the soup is full of roofies so the pope can get ya!
- I'm talkin' to YOU, Rumsfeld!
- It's tricky. Some churches will let you, others won't. Choose carefully.
- Sorry, Robert. It's far too late for you now. The Devil has you, and you're not going to find any loopholes in THAT contract. Qabbassandah Oh-sOYah, bitch!!
- Boy, were YOU fooled!
Chuck Norris is a christian, and Chuck Norris is strong and wise!
- Yeah start worshipping a God they HATE! That'll help!
- They're just as afraid of you as you are of them. That's the scary part.
Burning in Hell.
- Who isn't? But let me clue you in to a little secret… Hell isn't for eternity. It actually only lasts a couple of decades, and after that, those pussy liberal angels let you into Heaven and declare you "rehabilitated". Think I'm joking? Go ahead, rape and murder some people, get put to death in the electric chair, and see how long you spend in Hell. It won't be more than fifty years. I'm serious.
- Maybe you should've told your son you were proud of him BEFORE he started hating you.
Stronghold 2 wasn't great. let's be honest and move*BECOMECHRISTIAN*,move… on. to christiland.
- Yeah, DaVinci was a cross-dresser. So is EVERY Pope. Even Pope Yoda. You didn't know that? That was the big secret that the Catholic Church was trying to suppress all those years. Silken comfort.
- Only if you're a priest, and only if they "don't know about it".
- Those tight-fitting leather chastity belts… oh yeah…
- Wait, that's a good reason…
- Oof. Never mind.
- Fishes and loaves, baby, fishes and loaves.
- Hope you enjoy missionary, loser.
- Think of George Dubya, Hitler, and many other charismatic and outgoing people.
We are officially the coolest outfits ever to impersonate dull people badly
Forgiveness is a virtue, but tell that to japan and they'll tell you that Jesus was a really funky man
This reason is essentially the lyrics to "Consider yourself" from the musical Oliver. look it up, you atheist bitches!
You can murder hundreds of people, get out of jail, and then become a priest.
You're a Muslim, but you think the Koran isn't quite bloody and violent enough for you. Then, you just happen to read the Gideon Bible in your seedy hotel room one night, and, voila!, you see the light!
You want virgins, and becoming a priest seems a lot easier than martyring yourself in the cause of a Jihad.
It can't hurt when in front of the Parole Board!
- Like you need another imaginary friend.
Your friends will only laugh at you for having 1 imaginary friend, not hundreds.
Your friends will actually laugh at you. never thought you'd hear them laugh in your presence did ya? Poor, lonely little boy.
You know Pat Robertson must have made a shitload of money when he sold his cable channel to Fox.
- and we all know Deep Purple kicks ass!
- Bad news, dumbass. She died in 2002
- If you actually believe Republicans are cool, then go for it. Besides, look at all the fun Senators Craig and Foley had.
- Truly it is a miracle! Also, the stain on the rear fender is in the likeness of the Virgin Mary!
- What kind of a God would have let that brutal, savage bloody war happen in the first place? I'm talkin' to YOU, C.S. Lewis!
- Sucks to be you, Coyoltzin.
You've been looking for someone to worship since Don Knotts' death.
- I think it has something to do with your accidentally leaving the movie Caligula in the DVD player.
- Esse, that aint got nothin to do with my man Jesus (Hey Zeus)
You hate the Jews
- By starting with 'As a Christian…'
You like the food that they serve on Sundays.
you think that that you are Jesus Christ.
you think you are god.
you think you are an angel.
you wanna battle demons for the fun of it.
you wanna battle Satan for the fun of it
you wanna argue with people.
you wanna be able to live a happy life.
you wanna be like Creed!
- Also, you get to kill innocent people who are SUSPECTED of being witches!
parting-the-Red-Sea scene in The Ten Commandments was badass! That
They have cookies
- Just follow this link
jesus on a cross statuesYou want one of those cool
You read this list
- Screw that guy, he's probably not a real knight anyway. He's bluffing.
- Something you learned when you were ten years old, and your Dad left Caligula in the VCR, and you've been kinda freaked out ever since.
You like to perv up old women
In soviet russia, christianity joins YOU!!!
- Then the lightning struck the semi and instantly incinerated it. You harmlessly drove over a pile of ash. Now you're fucked. Hello, God! Goodbye, fun!
- Then the Highway Patrol called to tell you your husband was incinerated when lighting struck his gasoline-laden semi! Now you're free to become a lesbian! Uh-oh, might want to double-check with God on that one first.
Christians get buy one get one free on tesco value biscuits
Your mom told you to.
Jack Chick comic-book tract, and it moved you so deeply that you saw the light.You read a
The law states that if you believe in Jesus, you can break the copyright law.
You fancy your local vicar
- In some language, that probably has a meaning
- Didn't they write a song about christianity, or was that jesus…?
They've got Madeline
Hitler will get you if you aren't one
I said so
You believe in all that codswallop
Edward Cullen is a Christian.
A whole new world of hypocrisy to explore!
- That'll keep your 230-pound wife from wanting to get on top
To meet people.
All the politicians are Christian
- no excuse at all.
- When you were 13, he made you wet as Mike Seaver on Growing Pains and now your 36 and he's a TV evangelist!
- You read about the shortage of Catholic Priests. DING!
- I'm talkin' to YOU, MC Hammer!
you know that leg you lost, back in the 'nam? yeah, the one they couldnt fix… well let's just say I have a neurosurgeon friend whose hands are like giant scalpels covered in butter and joy. oh, ok, so, well, if that doesn't get your hot young motor running, then perhaps its best to think of them as "life…spunkers." Yes… Thats one word that the heathens will never tarnish.