Jack Chick
Jacktholomew Chicken (also known by his writing name Jack Chick as well as Jacques Chucken, Fack Dick and JC) (b. 1936) is a cartoonist whose subtle wit and outstanding artistic talent lead to a series of widely popular Christain tracts. Chick, who also dabbled in Dake-Bonoism and Islam for significant periods, is currently back in the Baptist Christain fold, winning new converts to the flock by hurling fire and brimstone cartoons tied to bricks at anyone who will read them.
Biological information[edit | edit source]
Jack is a satanic hellspawn that looks like a transgendered male-to-female, female-to-male-and-back-again prostitute in peglegs and a whip. He is the motherfuckin' antichrist, and all sound-minded Christians want him dead. Fundamentalist Christians and Satanists in particular worship him. He has a little featherless parrot on his right shoulder at all times which is trained to yell "PUTA! PUTA!" and help pick the crabs off his crotch for him. According to his late boyfriend Alberto, his anus triples up as a vagina and as a mouth that can whistle the Canadian national anthem in 22 languages including backwards and in morse code. In his spare time, he experiments in genetics and is currently attempting to splice human genes with dog genes in order to create a body with a longer tongue for him to possess so he will be able to lick his own testicles. But he is most well known for his tracts like "Get A Life!" and "Who's Your Daddy?"
Of course, he might just be a stuffy old guy with white hair and out- of- touch beliefs. He's reclusive, so we can claim ANYTHING about him, see?
Early life[edit | edit source]
Jack began work as a child sacrificing fetuses to Satan, then eating their remains (see Soylent Fetus). The Pope also once molested Jack Chick, which might have led to his hatred of the Catholic Church. He had at one point made contact with the being Cthulhu - some may say that Cthulhu was a fictional being, created by Lovecraft but Mr. Chick will inform you that that kind of talk is just "mad ramblings" - but Cthulhu oddly steered the fetus-eating child toward the welcoming arms of the Baptist Church for reasons known only to Cthulhu.
Chick studied Baptist doctrine for years and renounced fetus-eating, at least temporarily. As a teenager in a mature situation, Chick was able to overcome the disability of being born in Newark, New Jersey by escaping undercover from his parents in the middle of the night. He headed north with a backpack full of Bibles and Graham crackers, eventually crossing the US-Canadian border into Manitoba. Here, he studied the ways of Baptist mysticism in the wild. Eventually, he moved to Communist China, where he studied propaganda and cartoon techniques under his mentor and sugar daddy, Chairman Mao.
Chick's Dake-Bono phase[edit | edit source]
Mao introduced Chick to Dake-Bonoism. Chick would become one of the most prolific apostles of Dake-Bonoism the world had ever seen. Mao helped him remember a suppressed memory: as a childhood friend of Paul Hewson, Jack experienced a dramatic spiritual moment when he witnessed Hewson grab africanized honeybees with his bare hands, give them a gentle kiss, and let go of them without being stung.
Thanks to Mao's careful psychotherapy, Chick realized at that moment that Hewson (who later changed his name to Bono) was a prophet and dedicated his life to spreading the gospel of Dake-Bonoism through the publication of scary little comic books.
Back to the flock[edit | edit source]
But Chick found a limited market in China for cartoon tracts about Bono, and returned to America after the passing of Mao. Unfortunately, he found an even smaller market in America for his work. Confronted with poverty, Chick ran screaming back to the Baptist fold, eagerly abandoning his spiritual enlightenment for the warm, welcoming bosom of Jesus.
Then, almost as quickly, he converted to Islam and ran screaming to Mecca and then to Morocco and then Yemen before returning again to the United States to spread the word of Muhammed through movies known as "chick flicks".
Consideration (someone come up with a better name for this)[edit | edit source]
Jack Chick is often the target of obsession for people with everything in the world to do. This makes him a prime subject for 60 Minutes II. But, I'm just a butt-hurt christian who prays a bit too hard to my toaster. I'd have sex with Jack Chick. Male or female version. Praaaaaaise Jesus! For the record, Jack "Tricky Asshole" Chick is an asshole, but still a prick.
Quotations by or about Jacktholomew Chicken[edit | edit source]
“If there’s one thing I can’t stand as an American and a patriot, it’s child abuse. FUCK YOU JACK CHICK!”
“Man I was so drunk, blood was gushing from my asshole quicker than a broken faucet on labor day.”
“Do I have an asshole?”
“Speaking of and about such fellows is quite futile in retrospect. This is considering his judgment deficiency and inability to contemplate the world about him, free of ignorant bias. However my deliberations have resulted in a final conclusion as to why this is so. After all, a man is said to think with his phallus – a man who does not think must therefore have a diminished or non-existent penis.”
“I had the worst case o’ diarrhea in the history o’ this great state of Kentucky I tell you what. I reached aroun’ for sumpm to wipe my swole asshole and found some leather-bound book. Said bibble or some shit on it. I tore out some pages from ’at ’ere new tesament or some shit and wiped some shit off my ass, which was covered in some shit. I’d drunk myself a whole bottle o’ sweet sweet whiskey so I figgered I’d read some bibble. I cain’t remember much, but I think it was about some God guy eatin’ a farmer – had lots o’ cuss words in it. It was so good I stuck the whole book in my asshole to stop any more shit. Some people keep talkin’ tuh me ’bout them comics I drawed when I was high ... I got no friggin’ clue man. All I know is my asshole sure does ache.”
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]