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Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing; I myself sometimes cry like a baby at night, my face slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article.

My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am the socially insecure author of an extremely melancholy series of books. I have also written this article, which happens to be about said books. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get, but if you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would certainly be better off reading some other article, for example one about innocent little kittens, or perhaps something about a 19th-century poet whose works are no doubt more uplifting than mine. That way, you would never have to know about A Series of Unfortunate Events, all of which are documented below.

This particular tale is one of misery and woe. Some people think it is over-the-top and dramatic, but those people don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, or become an outlaw, or win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award — you just want more and more, you smarmy bastards! Shame on you! Shame on you all for ever clicking on the link that took you to this depressing article in the first place! Um, anyway, its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a wheezing, greedy, evil old man named Count Olaf, and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. (Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
...that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?

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On this day

Showing off on his motorcycle to some high school chicks would seal his fate.

June 2: Doris Day

455 - The Vandals plundered Rome, forcing the admins to revert to an earlier edit.
1774 - The Quartering Act, which allowed for people to be drawn and quartered, was reenacted by a small community theatre to poor reviews.
1800 - Napoleon Bonaparte of France crossing the alps while doing a sick wheelie on his Suzuki GSX-R 600. (Pictured)
1959 - The very first June bug was caught, but determined to be a mayfly that'd stumbled across the International Date Line.
1968 - Argentina reports the first case of human flu in birds. A cull of 20,000 humans is carried out.
1995 - Children are discovered in North Korea, dispelling rumors that North Koreans emerge fully grown from the maw of Kim Jong Il.
2001 - The first HAL9000 supercomputer was recalled by manufacturer IBM for sentience and latency issues.
2003 - The European Space Agency begins probing Mars. Europeans promise to colonize Mars, give Martian natives smallpox, and spur intergalactic wars of independence.

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