Melania Trump
Melanija Knavs (Americanized: Melania Knauss Trump, born April 26, 1970) is a Slovenian-American former model, current First Lady of Gringolandia (again), and the first and perchance only person to reside in the White House whose most widely circulated photo involved her lying on a fur rug aboard a Boeing 747 – adorned in nary an inch of drapery to call her own (pictured right).
She first served as First Lady from 2017 to 2021, during her husband and sugar daddy Donald "Führer" Trump's initial term, before being summoned once again to national service in 2025 after briefly fading into the Floridian fog when Joe Biden finally handed the crown after everyone else fell asleep at the throne room. This return was catalyzed by a dramatic event when the then-presidential candidate bodyslammed Kamala Harris with the power of testosterone in a wrestling match refereed by Joe Rogan, who, embracing a philosophy of minimal regulation, declared the contest's only rule was "no vaccines, no shoes, no problem."
During her tenure as first lady, Melania made a name for herself through the launch of her (currently ongoing) "Be Best" campaign in 2018, a grand initiative to promote kindness and anti-bullying, widely praised for its bold stance of telling children not to do the exact things her better half did on 𝕏 every day. The campaign's subtle messaging included the classic parental advice of "Do as I say, not as I tweet."
Humble beginnings[edit | edit source]
Melanija was born in Novo Mesto, then part of communist Yugoslavia, now part of Slovenia – and given recent geopolitical trends like her husband's ambitious border proposals involving Canada, Greenland and the Gulf of Mexico America, Slovenia might soon find itself applying for statehood. Raised in the town of Sevnica, young Melanija reportedly dreamt of escaping to a world of glamour, capitalism, and men who didn't wear tracksuits to funerals. After all, such procedures as standing in lines, gazing wistfully at potatoes, and practicing neutral facial expressions to avoid being noticed by the KGB or family members composed much of her squalor-stricken childhood. But even then, her talents were evident.
Much of her early teenage years were spent mastering the arts of poise, silence, alongside her iconic intense, soul-piercing squint, a look so legendary it could make even the most seasoned flirt, such as the infamous Rizzler, reconsider his entire "rizz face" game. At one point she struck a pose so fierce it allegedly caused Yugoslavia to reconsider its borders before slowly dismantling itself as the year of 1991 progressed, since even a multi-ethnic federation had flunked when it came to handling such levels of intensity.
Modelling career[edit | edit source]
During the fabulous '80s at the tender age of 16, Melania began her career in "modelling", where she quickly learned that a well-placed shadow or a strategically draped (or undraped) piece of silk could speak volumes, mostly in a husky European accent. Her early portfolio, often described as "bold" and "uninhibited", featured numerous appearances in such European gentlemen's magazines as Das Sexy Fraulein, Mademoiselle Hot-Hot, Señoritas Muy Juicy Ahora! and Pleasure Times for Mens. These shoots, often involving minimal wardrobe but maximum "artistic expression", showcased her willingness to "bare all" for her craft. Critics and connoisseurs of the female form concur that these images truly "opened doors" for her, often to the bedrooms of influential photographers, and eventually, reality telly hosts and billionaires. She later claimed these were all part of a sophisticated plan to study the "male gaze" from a closer than close proximity.
Transatlantic ventures[edit | edit source]
It wasn't long before Melania's burgeoning career eventually brought her from the cobblestones of Ljubljana to the catwalks of Milan and Paris, capitals of high fashion and low necklines. She arrived in the United States in 1996, allegedly on a visa sponsored by a "talent" agency that specialized in women who could look good whilst leaning on a Ferrari they didn't own. Her subsequent acquisition of an "Einstein visa" for "extraordinary ability" continues to baffle physicists[who?], though experts in "trophy wifery"[who?] nod in solemn understanding. Her American modelling phase saw her grace the pages of various publications, often demonstrating her unique knack for conveying "I'd rather be dry-cleaning my internal organs" solely through her eyes.
Meeting Mr. Manhattan[edit | edit source]
Melania encountered real estate mogul and reality TV host Donald J. Trump in 1998 at a New York fashion party. Trump, fresh off his second divorce and presumably hunting for his third lifetime achievement, was said to be instantly smitten by Melania's ability to remain completely still and silent while he waffled on about himself. The then-52-year-old reportedly asked the model who was 24 years younger than him for her number; she reportedly refused, so he gave her his instead, the first and last documented case of Donald Trump letting somebody that wasn't Donald Trump have the last word.
Despite periodic breakups – each one allegedly triggered by a particularly egregious Trump anecdote – Melania and The Donald stayed on track, bonded by their shared love of pretending to listen. Their courtship was a masterclass in transactional romance, culminating in a 2005 wedding at Mar-a-Lago that had a budget greater than the GDP of several small African nations. Her wedding dress, rumored to be insured for more than her husband's bronzer, reportedly required its own zip code. The premarital agreement, updated and reinforced for the 2025 political resurgence, is now believed to be written on titanium scrolls, guarded by lasers, and includes at least 32 subsections on "minimum required distance" during public appearances, particularly during handshake attempts.
First Lady of the United States (2017–2021)[edit | edit source]
Melania Trump did not move into the White House immediately after her husband's January 2017 inauguration in the name of waiting for her son Barron to finish cataloguing his collection of solid gold Lego bricks, which he was using to construct a fully functional, 1:4 scale model of the Trump Tower, complete with miniature, perpetually aggrieved doormen. Either that or she felt taking on the role of FLOTUS would be a burden too onerous for her stolid squint. It took five months for Barron's architectural endeavour to be completed before Melania finally deigned to grace Washington, D.C. with her presence. Alas, Barron soon discovered that the miniature doormen, had unionized, demanding Boeing 747s of their own to use as private jets and artisanal, gluten-free crumbs, thus rendering his five-month effort futile as he lost the school competition.
Be Best campaign[edit | edit source]
On May 7, 2018, Melania launched her signature initiative, the "Be Best" campaign. Aimed at promoting children's wellbeing, online kindness, anti-bullying and opioid abuse, the campaign's mascot – a Twitter bird sporting a tiny MAGA hat (pictured right) – was bizarrely kept despite crashing into a mirror during its first press event, mistaking its own reflection for "The Onion". The mascot, later nicknamed "Bird Best", was trotted out at various school visits, where it silently hovered near children while Melania encouraged them to avoid the very conduct the President was performing nightly on his phone at 3.a.m., albeit with a noticeably firmer grass pov grammer.
In spite of mixed reviews, Bird Best was eventually nominated for Secretary of Education after being spotted pecking at a standardized test and outscoring several cabinet members.
Jacket incident[edit | edit source]
June of 2018 saw the First Lady stunning the press corps and traumatized half of Facebook by boarding Air Force One en route to a Texan migrant child detention center wearing a distressed, olive-green military jacket with the phrase "I really don't care, do u?" scrawled across the back in white spray-paint. Contrary to the belief of political analysts who presumed this was an attempt at riling the libs, this was no political message, rather, a powerful signal that Melania's fashion sense had not evolved one iota since her Eastern European modelling heyday, when clothing was often optional, anyone caught blinking during a pose was launched directly into low orbit by a Soviet trebuchet, and expressions of views such as those present on the Berlin Wall graffiti art were indeed scribed in semen.
COVID-19[edit | edit source]
As the Coronavirus swept the nation, Melania Trump sprang into action by focusing on what truly mattered: White House renovations. While Americans were panic-buying toilet paper and discovering the joys of Zoom fatigue, the First Lady was unveiling new drapes and feng shui-ing the East Wing. Critics accused her of being out of touch, to which her Twitter response urged citizens to wear masks, stay six feet apart, and "never miss a chance to cough in the faces of babies".
In October 2020, a month before the presidential election, things got spicier when Melania's ex-friend and ex-staffer Stephanie Winston Wolkoff released secretly recorded tapes of Melania venting about Christmas decor, bias in the media, and the exhausting burden of pretending to care about things like children, tradition or her husband's chaos vortex of a presidency. The recordings were accompanied by Wolkoff's memoir Melania and Me, which further detailed the atmosphere of mutual suspicion and extremely coordinated interior decorating that defined their time together.
Floridian fog[edit | edit source]
After vacating the White House in 2021, Melania Trump retreated to Mar-a-Lago, where she resumed her preferred lifestyle of minimal motion and maximum distance from Responsibility Land. She retained a single advisor to manage tasks of national importance, like forwarding birthday cards to Jill Biden. Occasionally, she emerged for paid speaking gigs and ceremonial ribbon-cuttings particularly whenever the ribbon was made of gold or cryptocurrency. Among her most notable endeavours during her vacancy was her launch of Apollo 11-themed NFTs on the blockchain, boldly going where no copyright license dared to go, namely, into direct violation of NASA's image use policy.
She maintained a public profile about as active as her husband's Twitter profile – technically there, but mostly dormant and full of ghosts – only surfacing from the shadows twice to raise funds for the Log Cabin Republicans and once to release a statement after Thomas Matthew Crooks missed his shot at altering the course of American dinner conversations for the next decade.
First Lady of the United States (2025–present)[edit | edit source]
The day prior to Mr. Drumpf's inauguration saw Melania launch her own cryptocurrency, the $Melania coin, a digital asset that promised both nothing and everything depending on the alignment of Neptune. Rumor has it that the coin's smart contract was programmed the automatically redirect any profits to Barron's offshore Lego empire. Meanwhile, Amazon dropped $40 million for a documentary chronicling her life, directed by Brett Ratner, executive produced by Melania herself, and allegedly featuring over seven hours of her staring out of windows while whispering the words "be best" into an empty cup of coffee.
