UnNews:America stuck in a time loop
Monday, January 20, 2025
WASHINGTON DC -- President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration today will prove to be just as controversial and surreal as the rest of his political career, as time travelers are taking part in the various D.C. protests. What a minute...
The arrival of time travelers has been thoroughly reported around the nation's capital for days now, appearing out of glowing electronic orbs and carrying picket signs with slogans written in some indecipherable language that we can only assume are clever. Though they don't speak our language, they all seem to share a passionate hatred for Donald Trump. It's clearly a universal tongue.
(Note from editor: Have we already ran this story?)
There is at least one traveler who speaks fluent English, one Dr. Zullianne Orxonox, who agreed to speak to the press. Dr. Orxonox is a self-identified anthropologist and high ranking member of a private time travel organization, and revealed something that shocked us to our very core: Apparently we are all stuck in a time loop and doomed to relive Trump's presidency. "All this has happened before," she said with a quiver in her throat. "The chaos, the lies, the bigotry, the authoritarianism. None of this is new. It's all on repeat, like a broken Mp3 player."
Dr. Orxonox insisted that Trump (addressed as the codename "Russian Doll") has been president before and the consequences were disastrous. "You all forgot, and that's why he's ascending to power again." She explained that Trump's tendency towards lying and gaslighting twisted truth so horribly that it broke reality itself, thus corrupting the spacetime continuum and locking us all in an eternal recurrence wherein he reigns over us forever. "This should not be happening. It goes against literally everything we thought we knew about the world. All previous rules have been rendered obsolete. Laws don't matter."
Orxonox also revealed that her fellow time travelers protesting his inauguration are not visiting from our future, as was assumed, but rather from a previous loop before the timeline fractured. "Unless we can break this cycle, we have no future. The only way to ensue there's a future to look forward to is to organize, and most importantly, remember our humanity." Dr. Orxonox, who up until now had been frowning, gave a slight smile, grabbed her picket sign and returned to the protest.
And with that disturbing yet hopeful revelation giving us something to think about, we go over to weather with our weatherman Phil Connors. We hear it's quite the frigid day in Washington. What's the forecast, Phil?
Thanks, Phil.
The Past • Back to the Future • Bill & Ted • Blackadder • Butterfly effect • Doctor Who • Dude, Where's My Time Machine? • End of Time • Flux capacitor • Future Santa • Ghost of Christmas Past • HowTo:Beat jet lag • HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler • HowTo:Travel Through Time • International Date Line • The IATT • Laws of Time Travel • SIDRAT • Space-Time Collapse • Stargate • STL • TARDIS • Temporal paradox • Temporal Prime Directive • Time machine • Time Travel Patents • Uncertainty Principle • Wayback Machine • The Present • UnBooks:Instant Messaging Translation Guide for 19th Century English Gentlemen • UnBooks:The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel • UnNews:Correspondent travels back in time... • What If?:Dentists could time travel? • Why?:Won't time travel be invented? • Why?:Time Travel is Impossible • Why?:You Should Never Mess with the Space Time Continuum • The Future
