Covfefe

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Covfefe.

Covfefe (COv-Fee-Fe) was a Malamanteau used as a neologism for a portmanteau created by incorrectly combining a malapropism with a neologism. It was coined by Donald John "The Donald™" Drumpf™, Sr.

It was the result of several rather extraordinary events that unfolded over the 31st of May and 1st of June, 2017.

All times are taken from memory extraction

12:06 AM[edit]

The President is out of bed. Unbeknownst to his party and followers, he has in fact been taking up the bottle of vodka beside his bed. He runs to his Samsung Galaxy Note 7, goes on Twitter and types a string of words, that, according to a leaked interview with former ISIS leader James Comey, was supposed to say "negative press cov. feferi constantly ruining my #MAGA." However, the phone violently exploded as he was typing the third word, shrinking his hand to a sub-par size. This resulted in his account posting a cut-off sentence:

negative press covfefe

The internet watches this latest tweet and starts to speculate on its meaning.

7:00 AM[edit]

As morning comes over the White House, Trump's office is waiting for him to come down to ask/interrogate him about this odd tweet. He had realised that his consumption of alcohol may have been revealed to the world. His response was that he had attempted to type 'coverage', and his drunken brain had messed up his control over the keys.

It was too late. Trump's message had become the #1 discussion topic of the internet in the early hours of the morning: it had been retweeted over 100,000 times. It was already one of the biggest memes of 2017, and the year wasn't even half over.

12:00 PM[edit]

Trump goes over the facts of what happened. He is not worried about damaging his reputation: clearly, in his eyes, it was already damaged enough. As his Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, prepares to respond to questions about the tweet, he knows that questions about alcohol are not likely to come up.

If they do, he states that 'covfefe' is a name Trump has invented for 'something similar to Irish coffee. In fact, it basically is Irish coffee, but without the immigrant name'. Spicer's alternative facts might be about to save the day here.

2:30 PM[edit]

Now that the press briefing is over, Spicer goes back to the office. He explains to everyone his definition of covfefe: 'The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant'. Disregarding the fact that 'a small group' could in fact consist of nobody, Spicer refused to say anything further.

Trump's secret might have been out. The internet continued to speculate what had driven the usually-sober President to (apparent) drinking and then misspelling an average word: perhaps it was fallout from the 'evil losers' comment that he had used to describe the Manchester terror attacks? Perhaps it was a clever distraction from all the other problems plaguing the Oval Office? Nobody seemed to know.

7AM the next day: Press coverage (spelled correctly this time)[edit]

Twenty-four hours had passed. Trump had deleted the tweet. While the number of people commenting on this faux pas was still at an all-time high, the press were starting to comment on the more serious consequences of this post.

A news writer for Bloomberg called it the 2010s equivalent of Reagan's 'We begin bombing in five minutes', even stating that it was exactly tweet length at 136 characters. One reporter said that Spicer was using his 'alternative facts' to protect Trump's reputation and 'myth of infallibility', despite the fact that nobody, not even his own office, believed that Trump was infallible.

Some even went so far as to state that the typo was intentional (as was the consumption of alcohol on Trump's part, and writing at midnight) to 'mask a conspiracy' in these quarters.

Meanwhile, the rest of the internet had fun with a video that juxtaposed at least twenty news anchors from around the world attempting to pronounce the offending word. It seemed this was a low for Trump's presidency, and he needed to get back on his feet.

June 12th[edit]

The whisky bottle had been confiscated, Trump was starting to recover, and Spicer had found some other issue to be Orwellian about.

On the other side, members of the government had found a way to make this gaffe into a brand new law.

Democratic representative Mike Quigley introduced the legislation entitled COVFEFE, or Communication over Various Feeds Electronically for Engagement: a law about records of the President's writings on social media.

In fact, it may have been foresight on Trump's part, and the 'conspiracy' the Washington Post believed in had come to life: he was in fact referring to 'negative press coverage of [the signing of] COVFEFE', assuming that the bill would affect him significantly due to his use of social media.

Whether this was intentional (as Spicer said) or simply a coincidence may be a mystery forever.