Bill Maher
William "Bill" Maher, Jr. (born January 20, 1956) is an American liberal comedian who supports the legalization of recreational drugs (especially marijuana), prostitution, and ritualistic animal sacrifices, while constantly ranting about religion, Western medicine, and the evils of the American lifestyle.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Maher was born to a Jewish beauty queen and a Catholic cough syrup salesman father in New York City. Despite having a Jewish mother, little Billy attended Catholic mass every Sunday, and often bemoans the fact that he wasn't sodomized despite his many attempts to court the "hunks in the collars", as Maher called his teachers. Irritated at being rejections, Maher happily decided to dedicate his life to destroying religion, calling his newfound goal "God's work".
In school, Bill was bullied by the other children. In an attempt to gain favor, and make allies with the natives, Bill doctored down his IQ test score to meet the minimum clique requirements. In this way he passed for "normal" for many years, until he enrolled to Cornell University and received a degree in Liberal Arts.
Talk shows[edit | edit source]
Politically Incorrect[edit | edit source]
From 1993 to 2002, Maher hosted the Comedy Central/ABC talk show Politically Incorrect. Maher intended for a show where he and his guests would engage in intelligent discourse about politics and current events; unfortunately, intelligent discourse happened not, as his guests were typically celebrities such as Andrew W.K., Seth Green, Pamela Anderson, James Marsters, and Mos Def, none of which could locate Canada on a map.
In 2001, in the wake of the September 11 attacks, Maher disagreed with President Bush's characterization of the terrorists as "cowardly", stating:
| “ | We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly. | ” |
In the wake of Maher's comments, many leftists called for his immediate elevation to Sainthood; instead, ABC promptly fired him. However, this firing was not due to his 9/11 statements, but rather for him revealing some of the reasons why Oprah cannot keep her weight off.
Real Time[edit | edit source]
Since 2003, Bill hosts another talk show, Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO. Because it doesn't take much to get Americans in a tizzy, Maher, in a stroke of brilliance, simply stroked himself. Despite his lack of knowledge or talent, his show continues to run on HBO due to numerous death threats from Muslims and conservative pundits.
Recently Bill claimed to have literally brought down Milo Yabbadabbadoopolis from the inside via strategic placement of his lips inside Milo's rectum. No one is sure how he could possibly have done this given the laws of physics and human anatomy, but Bill continues to say he did it, and that Western human anatomy is a hoax anyway.