Conisbrough
 Metropolitan borough - Doncaster |
Conisbrough (frequently misspelled, and is actually called Cunny) is a small town located roughly midway between the crap holes of Doncaster and Rotherham in Yorkshire, England.
History[edit | edit source]
Cunny was invented by the Saxon noble Ivanhoe in 1194. Lord Ivanhoe fell in love with the Norman King, Darth Vader’s only daughter Evil Lynn, much to the despair of his father. Ivanhoe accompanied King Richard I to the Crusades, where he single handedly beat the French at the Siege of the Hundred Acre Wood. Upon his deathbed, Lord Ivanhoe searched the lands for a worthy heir as none of his 300 wives gave him a son. By freak coincidence, Ivanhoe came across a new born baby hidden in the long grass by the river Don. Upon gazing on that child he gave it a name, Tony Christie. The life and actions of this child were to become legendary and so was the town’s anthem “Is this the way to Amarillo”.
Conisbrough also has the only real land mark visible from space, Conisbrough Castle. It is dominated by the 970 ft high circular keep, which is supported by six buttmunchers. In the mid-1990s, the keep was restored, with a wooden roof and two floors being rebuilt. However, these were destroyed during a freak electrical storm in 2004. 2 Chavs were mysteriously disintegrated whist attempting to drink cans of lager and listen to “We are the children of the night” on the castle roof. It is believed to have been the work of the ghost of the "White Lady". She has been causing much mischief in the town after she was murdered by being pushed over the edge of the castle keep.
Conisbrough contains what is believed to be the oldest building in the south of Yorkshire. Many believe it to be the 8th century Anglo-Saxon St Peter's Church. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact the oldest building is the urine tainted bus stop opposite the Star pub on Sheffield road. Archeologists have uncovered numerous markings and scribes such as “Daza woz ere, Ere Daza woz, Woz Daza ere, Cors e woz” which they believe date back to the Stone Age.
UFOs[edit | edit source]
In 1966 a schoolboy form Northcliffe School for the retarded, claimed to have photographed a squadron of UFOs flying over the town. It has later been proven that they were in fact mutated conkers migrating south for the upcoming winter. the price of housing in Conibrough is probably the cheapest in the world with prices starting at 25k p nuts and riseing to about 5000 on millianairs row
Earth Centre[edit | edit source]
In the mid-1990s, a new eco tourist attraction, Earth Centre, opened on the nearby site of the former Cadeby Main Colliery; it closed in 2005 after failing to attract the expected number of visitors, and because it was the biggest pile of crap to have been invented, after brown sauce. This eco theme park has since been confirmed to be the inspiration for Jules Verne’s true story, ‘A Journey to the Centre of the Earth’. This step by step guide gave detailed instructions on how to successfully scale the inside of a volcano and how to act around prehistoric animals. In the book Mr Verne and his nephew Verne Troyer, start their journey in Iceland. However, this was proven to be false as the first Iceland did not open until 1970, and there is not a single mention of mother of the year 2001/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9 Kerry Katona in the entire book. In fact, the true location was the second sunken shaft at the then named Cadeby Main Colliery. The two Vernes then surfaced in Italy. Whilst making their escape from the earth’s core, they tunneled under the famous tower at Pisa, a severe engineering error then led to the escape tunnel collapsing directly under one side of the towers foundations, causing it to lean to one side. This accident was the final straw for Verne senior and he quickly left his younger smaller family member on the doorstep of criminal mastermind Dr Evil.
Education[edit | edit source]
Conisbrough has only one secondary school, Northcliffe School for the retarded. A scheme to turn Northcliffe into an Academy was scrapped after protests by parents and staff, despite the enthusiastic backing of Lord Christie. One parent was quoted as saying “Tha cant teach these ere kids, luk at em, ther as bright as a two wat bulb a tell thi”. Northcliffe School is twinned with Twin Peaks High School in Washington State USA. The two schools enjoyed a successful exchange program during the late 80’s and very early 90’s. This was until figurehead of youthful innocence and homecoming queen Laura Palmer was murdered shortly after returning from Northcliffe. FBI Agent Dale Cooper, head of the murder investigation, reported that on her return, she had become obsessed with her below American average weight of 250lbs. Cooper said, ‘Laura was a healthy thin girl and all the boys in the town took liking to her slender figure”. The case is still ongoing.as a student in the 70s n 80s we held are school reunion in strangeways,as there where more in than out.it has also come to our attention northcliffe holds the record for oldest and most annoying teacher, both these awards were given to mr.p.shilling after local vote. the locals best know mr.shilling as "ten bob" or "ten bob shilling" which he is often reffered to around the campus. "ten bob" has been getting on the whitts of several generations and is well desereving of the award recived. some of conisbroughs young couldnt get into Northcliffe and had to travel to Donny to St Caths.
Train station[edit | edit source]
Conisbrough railway station is only just located in the town itself. Whilst it was being designed in the early 1840’s the inhabitants of the neighboring village, Denaby Main, tried to claim the station for themselves. After squashing a small rebellion Denaby force, the South Yorkshire Death Squad systematically rounded up every male between the age of 18 and 65 and executed them along the station’s platform. This is thought to be the origins of the liking of boys younger men by the village’s women, which is still practiced to this very day.
In April 1993 the station received new signing as part of a general clean up and was equipped with ramps to give disabled access to the Doncaster-bound platform. This however, was a complete waste of time as the troll living under the crossing bridge, refused to allow them access, stating that vibrations caused by the wheelchairs ruined his sleep. The new signs gave the spelling of the name as "Conisborough", however, these were replaced by 21st May with the spelling corrected to “Cunny” after a week long sit down protest by the fundamentalist group “The old widows of Conisbrough cricketers”.
Night Life[edit | edit source]
There are a number of local pubs clubs and eateries in the town, ranging form the bizarre to the sublime. Why not go for a taste of Amsterdam in the Eagle & Child. Light your joint and put up your clogs whilst listening to the very best of Madness. For a more up market experience you can go for a traditional Sunday lunch at the Lord Conyers Hotel, as long as you are willing to pay over the odds for flat beer and lager. There is the traditional interior of the Station Hotel Pub, funny enough, next to the train station. You can also spend an evening with the Chavs at The Alma. Live entertainment is free for all, as long as you are willing to fight some scruffy little rat with tattoos on his neck. If grinding it out on the dancefloor is your thing, then The Fox is the destination for you. Incorporating Chav dance and Chav RnB.
If you are of the older generation then the towns clubs are the destination for you such as The Castle Club. From here you can watch weekly turns, such as failed pop bands like A1 and 911 before breaking for a well earned game of biddy bingo. For a change of scenery you can do exactly the same at The Ivanhoe Club or The Red Lion were you can pitch up at the well of Ayingerbrau. You can also spend your hard earned cash in The Talisman, a half pub half Bangladeshi restaurant or the The Hilltop Hotel and The Castle Inn.since this post ,the talisman has shut,the station is shutting,the Ivanhoe is on its arse and you need to remortgage your house to spend an afternoon in the alma,the red lion always pulls a good pint and will stand the test of time,the newly opened star has promotions weekly and tries its best with theme nights although sadly after the venue turned into the worlds most expensive chip shop, will always struggle.the hilltop pub is well out the way and claims to have a decent steak night,although reports havnt been too kind and unless you stupidly choose to drink and drive you will be sober before you get home.more central is cromwells,a place where cheap beer and low brain cell count go hand in hand,YES the ale is cheap but i could make better lager myself by melting some lego.not too sure if cromwells still sells food but the last time the kitchen was inspected, the rats were doing their own waffles.the fox has GLADLY closed down after a failed attempt to stage more fighting than madison square garden,although i do put this down to the peanut brained bouncers who ingested more marching powder than Pablo escobars entire army.amazingly the castle inn is still open and if you look closely in the tap room they still havnt cleaned up one of the regulars who died twenty eight years ago.so ...where does this leave us? if you want a good night out,personally i'd go further afield,but if you like the town and you like the company and your too pissed to go elsewhere then you wont go wrong with the conyers or the eagle,and if your flush then you could afford half a pint in the alma.the conyers is well run and always has the sport on,it has a good soul disco and a well followed karaoke.sundays are the best with the quiz at one.follow this with a trip to the eagle for the mad quiz at four and on to the alma for a wallet draining karaoke and you have quite a decent afternoon.. A worm welcome is always welcome in the Lord Conyers were all the men still wear clogs and pit muck and spittunes are still possioned at the bar, BAD NEWS!!! The Castle Inn has now closed its doors!!!