UnVoyage:California
California is a small penis-shaped planet right next to the planet of Viagra. It used to be a state in the USA but when the Gay Wars happened in 2015 the San Fransicoans took it, moved it far away, and reshaped it into their favorite toy, the dildo. Interestingly, California's moon is in the shape of an ass – in remembrance of the founding fathers' favorite pastime.
There are many things to do like surf, play chess, ice skating, dancing and seeing movies.
Background[edit | edit source]
A blue state. It is the second most populous state, closely followed by Wyoming.
The name California comes from the Spanish words "cali", meaning "the", "forn", meaning "big", and "iam", meaning "thing". California literally translates to "the big thing."
History[edit | edit source]
Being the plastic and soulless cesspit it is, California had no history at all prior to 1992. Willing to change all this, Los Angeles resident Rodney King rounded up a few of his close friends and a camcorder to film some pranks and make a quick buck on Candid Camera. The most notable being the 'Police Brutality' scene, where Rodney's mates dressed as police and kicked the shit out of him on a residential street, this quickly went viral and caused an uproar within the ethnic communities, who could not see the humor in the footage and went on the rampage in downtown LA. King later condemned the actions of these people as he didn't know how much of an impact it would make. Once peace was restored, the governor of the state erected a statue of Rodney King in the LA Civic Center, after he finally written the first chapter of Californian folklore. The people of California are actually Mexicans in disguise as either rich white dudes, or their brethren. Pablo escabar was one of these.
Cities & Sights[edit | edit source]
Alegra's Castle[edit | edit source]
This Castle is run by eleven mad scientists, Alegra, Dr. Wierd, Dr. Hibbert Geppetto, Doctor What, Dr. Nick, Professor Utonium, Professor Uranium, Dr. Claw, Dr. Jeckyl and Dr. Frankenstein.
It is also run by Dracula, Blacula,Freddy Kruger, Whitula, Greenula, Igor, Darth Vader, Oliver Cromwell, Ursula, Hockey Wolf, The two Redulas, Bluelula, Pirate Pete, Raymundo, and Purplebeard.
Bakersfield[edit | edit source]
Baker capital of the world. Where the movie Attack of the Bakers was filmed. Also an early headquarters of the medical marijuanna movement. Slogan: "Get Baked!" Also thought to be where the strip mall was invented.
Channel Islands[edit | edit source]
The Islands where seals play poker.
Death Valley[edit | edit source]
Where many humans are brought from California and Nevada to die.
Derikvile supermarket[edit | edit source]
Hey, that's just a store! Nothing there but food.
Encino[edit | edit source]
Scenic city near Burbank. Has fifteen five-star resorts, championship golf, the Ensino Lakers,the House of Usher,the Ensino Circus, the Roman toy store and Aztec ruins. It is a fabulous city with movie star mansions, restaurants, shopping,convinience stores and weed.
Ensenada[edit | edit source]
This Mexican City is known for it's central district(AKA downtown), and it's "blowhole", nuf' said.
Fresno[edit | edit source]
This is where the Mona Lisa was painted and is home to air Fresno. It is now the home of George Lucas. In the early 1900's it had a famous baseball Team called the "Fresno Raisin Eaters" The main attraction of Fresno is that it is about halfway to both San Francisco and Los Angeles and the fact that it has no Yogurt since there is no culture in the San Joaquin Valley. The Armenians used to be a major part of the population but the Mexicans ate them all.
Gold Country[edit | edit source]
In 1848 many people rushed to California's "Gold Country", to dig penises, including Calaveras and Amador counties as well as other two bit mud hut places you've never heard of. They came to frontier the land and to claim stakes in the gold mines and get rich. However, they were all eaten by a Grue. No one lives there now.
Key Lime[edit | edit source]
A city with a lot of Rolls Royces and mansions. its full of lime green mansions and key lime pie was first made here.
Long and Short Beach[edit | edit source]
These cities are famous for their beaches, ‘nuf said.
Los Angeles[edit | edit source]
This city, set on a scenic island in the Pacific Ocean, is known for Hollywierd where movies are made. If you don’t know where you are see the sign. It is also home to giant records, huge doughnuts, big gum and a shark also is home to the infamous hotel chandler which often sells guns to its guests. Just stay out of the studio warehouses and amusement parks: Tourists have been known to get lost in there or occasionally kidnapped by a giant mouse or various Minions.
What to do: I think avoid the hotel, pet the sharks or watch a movie being made.
Famous people William Shakespeare, Logan St. Claire, MC Hammer, Harrison Ford, Al Gore, Jesus, Ernest Hemingway, Andrew Jackson, King Tut, King Toots, Moe Syslak, Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Count Chocula, Toucan Sam, Lucky the Lepricauhn, Charles Darwin, Leo Tolstoy, Louis XIV, Harry S. Truman, Ryan Styles Harry S. Falsman, Captain Hook and Mary Poppins are from the area.
Malibu[edit | edit source]
This is home to a famous nude beach. Barbie's famed pink mansion overlooks the beach, where she can often be seen walking her pink poodle. Ken and Steve take turns massaging suntan lotion onto cute Hentai models upon request.
Monteray Jack and Carmel[edit | edit source]
The Food cities.
Napa[edit | edit source]
Napa is where San Francisco gets its wine and automotive parts. The city usually gets drunk every 7 days. It also hosts Movie and Shakespeare conventions every Sunday. It also hosts good balloon races.
Oakland[edit | edit source]
Oakland is a lush forest. So much green as well.
It is also known as being the statistically safest place in the world, with the world's lowest crime rate.
Ojai[edit | edit source]
Also known as Ojaio, Ojai's is better known to the general public as "Ventura County's Hellhole"[1]. Ojai is known for its high proportions of possums and OPOSSUMs, which make up Over 9000 of the total population of 10000. It is home to many potheads, old people, tree-huggers, hippies, rednecks, etc., which are often also possums.
Oregon[edit | edit source]
Technically not part of California, but Californians are not aware of this fact. Cheese is shipped frequently from Oregon to California for wine pairings.
Palm Springs[edit | edit source]
Minigolf capitol of America. Has lots of palms, lots of springs. Come for the sugar; leave for the lack of irrigation.This is where circus stars go on vacation. It has 500 malls.
Playboyland[edit | edit source]
Adult oriented theme park with rides like its a small world, space mountain, matterhorn, quake, mad hatters erotic tea party, pantsless pirates of the cairless-bean, flash mountain, haunted strip club, Castle Wolfenstein and the rabbits’ house. Watch fireworks at the castle on Nude Street USA.
Reading, Riting, and Rthmatic[edit | edit source]
Has many books. Is now on Fire.
Reno[edit | edit source]
Actually in Nevada but so close that it doesn't count. Sitting below a scenic hill not too far from Lake Tahoe, this city is known for its beaver bashing festival, water-skiing over the rocks in the too shallow Truckee River, cookie cutter malls, car and refrigerator museums. This city also once had casinos mostly run by slimey Italians or other old time gang Gangsters but imploded on itself as soon as the Indians "cut them off at the pass" by building their own casinos just across the state line in California. The casinos now serve as convention sites for groups like the 7th day Advantists and other child molester friendly groups. Reno had gay people but they all moved to San Diego. It is now the worlds capitol for bad modern art. It also has great ski resorts and most of its fabulous architecture has been imploded to make room for more Krispy Kreme and Walmart outlets. There is a semi secret organization of terrorist anarchists in the city using the pseudonym "Sheep Dippers" that threatens the very fiber of civilization. The hold recruiting extraveganzas in Sparks Nevada every January to add to their strength. THEY MUST BE SOUGHT OUT AND DESTROYED!!!! To Counter this threat the E Clampums Vitus Vigilantees have promised to attack the Sheepdipper headquarters as soon as the Clampers sober up.
What to do: Fill up on gasoline before visiting Virginia City, eat a Super Burrito, watch airplanes almost crash when landing at the Cannon airport. Shoot meadowlarks in Pyramid Valley, snare tree huggers in their natural habitat at in Lake Tahoe, go skiing, sky dive from balloons, Get a tattoo/piercing during Hot August Nights, visit a brewery and then try to hold down this local swill or get married at one of the automat styled wedding chapels. Also if the marriage doesn't work out you can get divorced really fast in Reno.
Robotopia[edit | edit source]
This city is populated by robots.
What to do: You can date a robot, dance with a robot, be a robot, wash a robot, ride a robot or even marry a robot. But under no circumstance may you give birth to a robot, a toaster however is allowed.
Sacramento[edit | edit source]
This is the state capital. Things to do here include ice sculpting, car racing, fishing, sewing, visiting its hot nightclubs and eating at its restaurants. Wine and bread, accompanied by a footbath, are a common supper here. Oh. never mind.
Sandy Ego[edit | edit source]
This town is home to 2 zoos: the San Diego plant and animal zoo and the San Diego human zoo, the latter full of people who went down to "jack it". It was founded in 1688 by Carmen Sandiego. It also has two Navy bases, great surf and hot beaches, strip clubs, a classy fictional news anchor, climate controlled weather, retirees, and exotic shirts. What it doesn't have are sports teams, as they all moved north to LA.
San Francisco[edit | edit source]
This city is designed and sponsored by Disney. Disney rebuilt the city from a tourist’s point of view, but added many "tasteful changes" to the city law, including requiring citizens to wear Mickey ears and installing Goofy as the "Ruler of the Universe".
What to do: you can see the coin tower, the bird-man of Alcatraz, the Golden Gate bridge, the full house, palace of fine noodle art, Transamerica Pyramid, the rice-a-roni trolley, Chinatown, Knob Hill, Golden Nugget Park, Embaracardo, Lombard street, Fisherman's Wharf, St. Johns University, world of poker, the gay and pawn shop district, the 49r's, Abraham Lincoln golf course and jello mansion. But don't expect too much : for 98% of the summer, fall, winter and spring (and in June, too), you'll only be able to see, well...fog. (no, not fags. Fog)
San Jose[edit | edit source]
This city is now split into 2 and had too many computer factories before half of them started manufacturing mobile devices with foreign parts. Before computers its main industry was drugs. San Jose is the largest suburb in the world, as it is technically a suburb of itself. Silicon Valley is a prominent landmark here; a manmade feature caused by waste from the factories. Nearby is the famed Uncanny Valley, the residence of ChatGPT.
San Luis Obispo[edit | edit source]
Little is known about this massive literal roadblock, pronounced "San Louisa Piss Pool", located in the hills approximately halfway between the equally obscure Monterey and Ventura. Believed to be a nesting ground for wendigoes, the giant boulder serves merely as an obstruction for slowing down visitors, thus making the state of California appear larger than it actually is. Due to the name, it is believed that wendigoes swim in a great lake on top of the boulder, but it is hard to tell since the rock itself is the same color as urine. San Luis Obispo's main exports are damaged automobiles, mutilated corpses, blood, piss, dynamite, and Catholics.
Santa Monica[edit | edit source]
Santa Clause's home away from the North Pole and Mecca It has his tropical jetski, workshop and Santa's house, now restricted only to Muslims.
It is the only holy city of Shia Islam on the continent of North America. Its city council is exclusively composed of mullahs who enforce a strict interpretation of Sharia. Non-Muslims are no longer allowed to live there, but many have continued living as homeless in the streets. Its mayor Muqtada al-Sadr has been known to be tough on dhimmi and infidels crossing over the border from nearby Venice, Brentwood, and Pacific Palisades. However, its mosques are open to non-believers for a hefty fee, although females are forced to wear hijab and burqas.
San Simmian[edit | edit source]
This is home of Hearst the Monkey's castle which has lots of bananas
Soup, Sandwich and Key Lime Islands[edit | edit source]
Islands known for food, dessert, delis, and sandwich shops.
Tijuana[edit | edit source]
When it was part of Mexico, Tijuana was a large city near California. Now it is a U.S. Navy base.
Like all Navy bases, it provides a wide variety of night life. In addition to the Tijuana Air Show with its daring, unmarked aircraft, there are soccer games and first-run theater productions, many featuring live mules.
Tijuana is also a shopping mecca, known throughout the region for its prime values on sweatshirts and socks. And the chicle. Don't forget about the chicle.
Tri Cities[edit | edit source]
The tri cities are different: one has farms, one has flowers and one has car racing.
Upper Cal[edit | edit source]
This is Oscar Wilde's vacation home. This was once southern Oregon but was added for recreation. It has great rafting and swimming.
“My house is in the middle of the woods”
Yokelsvania[edit | edit source]
A once Mexican city that its current population are now yokels.
What to do : This town has none cause it's entirely populated by mexican yokels.
Yosemite Sam National Park[edit | edit source]
This National Park was created many years ago by burning Ancient Chariot wheel flaps with the Looney Tunes character on it. From a helicopter it looks like a cowboy saying stand back. It also has the best tequila in the state at Moe's old saloon. Home to Bugs Bunny falls.
Things to avoid[edit | edit source]
- Snakes
- Any city with a population above 200,000
- The Mojave desert, as a whole
- Hotel California (you can check out any time you like but you can never leave)
- MacArthur Park (unless you like really soggy cake)
- Liberal Conservatives
- Gay Conservatives
- Conservative Conservatives
- Anyone who is a Editor of Conservapedia
- Robert Downy, Jr.
- Starving Bears
- Stockton
- Aggressive panhandlers (for the smell if nothing else)
- Cancer (just don't step foot in the state)
- Apple infinite loop (unless you are an Apple fan...)
- Grass
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Off the Beaten Path three wrong turns ago. |
- ↑ Actually, that would be Oxnard.