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Sunday, November 24, 2024, 01:16 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Sex pest pulls out of attorney general
  MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida -- Convicted felon President-elect Donald Trump ― a longtime friend and accomplice of the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein ― is filling his cabinet with more evidence of his crimes and rapidly worsening dementia, showing the world why the 22nd and 25th Amendments are desperately needed. And what better way than with the law itself? True to his character and principles, serial rapist Trump has selected sex trafficking pedophile Matt Gaetz as his attorney general.
 MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida --
  October 4, 2023 (published November 12, 2024)
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- America is reacting to a shocking bit of news that will seriously impact the next four years... former president Barack Obama has smeared poop on a daycare. "I just felt like it," the 44th POTUS tells UnNews at a time when actors and writers are on strike and Joe Biden will obviously be re-elected next year in a landslide and no conservative comedians have made disgusting "jokes" about Puerto Rico. "Three-and-a-half years of Democratic rule and a normal president is frankly... boring," he continues. "I miss the chaos, the tweets, the dementia-addled ramblings, and the gross attempts at insurrection. They were the worst years of any American's life, but hey, at least it wasn't boring. What's a little poop now and then? Don't answer that."  Well... so much for that. 248 years isn't a bad run, though.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: Your partner is really into the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing, but she takes it a little too seriously this week when she climbs on top of you, calling you a worthless piece of shit, and beats you unconscious.
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