UnNews:Obama smears poop on day care
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Late delivery
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Mr. Clark W. Griswold...
I found an article for UnNews. I was supposed to deliver it October 4, 2023, but it fell between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry. |
Wednesday, October 4, 2023
Tuesday, November 12, 2024
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- America is reacting to a shocking bit of news that will seriously impact the next four years... former president Barack Obama has smeared poop on a daycare.
"I just felt like it," the 44th POTUS tells UnNews at a time when actors and writers are on strike and Joe Biden will obviously be re-elected next year in a landslide and no conservative comedians have made disgusting "jokes" about Puerto Rico.
"Three-and-a-half years of Democratic rule and a normal president is frankly... boring," he continues. "I miss the chaos, the tweets, the dementia-addled ramblings, and the gross attempts at insurrection. They were the worst years of any American's life, but hey, at least it wasn't boring. What's a little poop now and then? Don't answer that."
He concludes with, "I miss people telling me I was born in Kenya. I don't even bring my birth certificate with me anymore. Just let people speculate if I was born in the United States. I wasn't."
While most Americans, even longtime fans, are outraged and horrified by the act, New Jersey resident and comedic actor-director Danny DeVito 100 percent approves. Why?
"Because poop is funny!"
Other New Jersey residents are less than pleased.
Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora issued a joint statement that reads "Good Lord, New Jersey fucking reeks right now! Thanks Obama! We never thought we'd say that. I've smelled my fair share of shit in my life, but, Barack, you give poop a bad name."
Sambora added, "I can't even talk-box without gagging!"
Bruce Springsteen called it "a sad day for America. I can still smell the darkness on the edge of town."
Joe Pesci told reporters, "I'll fucking CAP the motherfucker who told President Obama to take a massive shit and then spread it all over a fucking daycare!"
One less famous local man told UnNews, "while it's stinks to high hell, it is kinda funny. My kids love fart and poop jokes. My wife and I voted for Obama both times. And my kids voted for the first time for Biden and will vote for him again next year. Unless he dies or something."
The ghost of Grover Cleveland vowed revenge on the Democratic Party, but did not get into specifics.
The very-union and not-yet-striking groundskeepers will spend the next four years cleaning up the mess Obama left behind.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- David Moye "New Jersey GOP Candidate Who Smeared Poop On Day Care Blames Obama" HuffPost, October 4, 2023