UnNews:Drunk Alabama football fan comments on the team's recent performance
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This article is written in the perspective of a intoxicated alcoholic. Due to this, this article is prone to contain excessive profanity, random sentences, acts of agression, toilet humor, and facts that are not true to anyone except to another alcoholic. If you don't feel comfortable reading this, perhaps having a few sips of alcohol may help.
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Tuesday, November 26, 2024
TUSCALOOSA - It's been an absolutely AMAZING year for the Alabama Crimson Tide's football season!
Alabama's football season has been a wild ride so far. With several convincing wins under their belt, the Crimson Tide seemed unstoppable. That was until Vanderbilt came to town and handed them a shocking 40-35 loss. But hey, losing to the worst team in the SEC isn't bad when it's just one loss! We're still a powerhouse by now! Roll Tide!
But then Tennessee happened. The Volunteers marched into Bryant-Denny Stadium and walked away with a 24-17 victory. OKAY, OKAY, MAYBE ALABAMA JUST HAD A COUPLE OF OFF WEEKS. THEY'LL BOUNCE BACK, THEY ALWAYS DO. I MEAN, NICK SABAN IS STILL THE COACH, AND HE'S A GENIUS. HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT....wait fuck he retired GOD DAMN IT. we got that replacement Kalen DeBoer...
Oh hey WE BEAT MIZZOU! Heck yeah! We SHUT THEM OUT! We're going to have a good season after all. And LSU also got beat! We are winning! ROLL TIDE!
AND THEN... OKLAHOMA. UGH. THE SOONERS CAME TO TOWN AND ABSOLUTELY DOMINATED THE CRIMSON TIDE, WINNING 24-3. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD IS HAPPENING HERE?! ALABAMA'S OFFENSE IS SPUTTERING, THE DEFENSE IS GETTING TORCHED, AND TLOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE A STROKE ON THE SIDELINES. OKAY, OKAY, LET'S NOT PANIC. IT'S JUST A FEW BAD GAMES. ALABAMA WILL TURN IT AROUND. THEY HAVE TO.
I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! IS THE APOCALYPSE UPON US?! HAS THE WORLD GONE COMPLETELY MAD?! ALABAMA, THE MIGHTY ALABAMA, IS LOSING TO TEAMS THEY SHOULD BE BEATING BY 30 POINTS! (Slurs words slightly) I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. NICK SABAN, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ARE YOU DOING, MAN?!
YOU KNOW WHAT?! FORGET IT! I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND DRINK MY SORROWS AWAY! WHO NEEDS FOOTBALL WHEN YOU HAVE BOURBON?! ASDFJKLPOIUYTREWQ... ALABAMA... LOSING... WORLD ENDING... DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! THIS IS MADNESS! SHEER, UTTER MADNESS! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THE AP POLL ITS RIGGED
WHAT'S NEXT?! ARE THE TIDE GOING TO LOSE TO A HIGH SCHOOL TEAM?! ARE THEY GOING TO GET SHUT OUT BY A BUNCH OF GRANNIES?! I SWEAR, IF ALABAMA LOSES TO AUBURN, I'M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! (Pounds head against desk) WHY, NICK SABAN, WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US BY RETIRING?!ASDFJKLPOIUYTREWQ... ALABAMA... LOSING... WORLD ENDING...
roll tide