UnNews:KKK grand wizard woke up from a terrible dream last night

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Wednesday, November 27, 2024

They've had it up to here with the lies!

MONTGOMERY, THE CONFEDERACY ALABAMA - In one of our most scary stories today, the Grand Wizard of the KKK Thomas Robb just woke up from a spine-tingling nightmare last night. We met up with him to show you how absolutely chilling the "dream" he had was. In other words, it's another UnNews journalism special! Here to speak is Derrick O'Morgan.

"Thank you O Great Narrator. I'm standing here with the great Mr. Robb, Robb would you like to share to the audience your horrifying dream?"

"Yes. Absolutely. It all started after one of our best nights. Everyone was all cool, we were burning crosses, lovin' Jesus and all that, right? Then I decide to get some good sleep for the next day. We actually were going to protest to not take down a confederate soldier statue before the incident happened."

"What was the incident?"

"It was the dream. Basically, I woke up and I was sitting at a table. Etched out, literally cut out of the wood with a knife was the word "brotherhood". Guess who I was sitting next to? A NEGRO! Crazy, right? Behind me and the darkie was the Mississippi, and I saw hundreds of newspapers flowing down the river and all of them on the front page said 'BROWN V. BOARD OF EDUCATION 9 - 0, RACIAL SEGREGATION UNCONSTITUTIONAL' on them. I was absolutely terrified."

"This seems crazy, Robb. Anything else?"

"Oh, trust me, this is only the beginning. I saw a college materialize and then four little jiggaboos in college outfits celebrating, coming out of the college with degrees in their hand. Absolutely petrifying. I saw little black boys and little black girls playing ring-around-the-rosie with clean white boys and clean white girls. In the end, I saw all of these guys being brought up and stuff. It was the RAPTURE! Bodies floating up from the hilltops in New Hampshire, the mighty mountains of New York, the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania, the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado, the curvaceous slopes of California, Stone Mountain of Georgia, Lookout Mountain of Tennessee, every hill and molehill in Mississippi. Church bells ringing everywhere, deafening sounds. The worst part, I WASN'T EVEN GOING UP WITH THEM! It's like I'm some sort of hellish devil. How? I'm not! Right?"

"Yeah, you're not a devil. *looks at camera*"

"I woke up immediately and I canceled everything. This was so much to bear. TOO much to bear. I want to stay snug as a bug in my Confederate blanket in my cozy KKK jammies and my Hitler plushie. Is that too much to ask?"

"Absolutely not. *looks at camera*"

"Why are you looking at the camera?"

"Uhh.. um.. the light's not.. reflecting on me.. I might... turn black?"

"Oh, yeah. Stupid things always do that."

"Well, thanks for the talk. I'm Derrick O'Morgan and this is UnNews."

Thanks for that good 'ol first-rate journalism we at UnNews strive to emulate. Well, 6'o clock UnNews is about to start, we'll be right back after the break.

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