UnNews:Leopards finally getting ready to eat people's faces next year

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

Monday, November 11, 2024

"Oh yeah! Facetime! No, not in that way. Like, literal face time."

You don't get it Ernie! I voted him so we can get him out of office! What do you mean that's stupid???

NAIROBI, KENYA - With the election stuff now said and done, here at UnNews we are looking to the future, and the future shows that in 2025 leopards will have a GREAT feast. This election has been bad for a lot of people, basically half the country, but talking with the leopards we have seen that they are ELATED to see Trump finally back in control all this time. Us in America where UnNews is instated have sadly forgotten about the famine in Africa with the leopards, how they were hungry for four years when Sleepy Joe was in control, eugh, but now with Trump back things are finally looking back up for the patterned predators as they share their stories. We spoke with leader Larry "Roaring" Jawson.

"It's a great time here in Africa." Jawson said. "We're hoping to get onto the ship to D.C. the moment Trump gets back." Jawson continued on with the issues in the leopard world, how they were starved. "Biden never had some dumb minority vote for him because he didn't hate any minority or group. Now, Trump has minorities under his red spell, and our prey is bigger than ever!"

"Did you see what magic he did on election night?" said pack receptionist Jane Tallgrass. "All seven swing states! That's.. unbelievable! We're going to be eating great tonight! I mean, imagine all those marginalized groups who didn't bother to go online and read Project 2025! You'd think with how much it was at the center of the campaign laughing hyena Harris was doing people would think to read, but I'm gonna tell you something, Trump is a man who will show the world his ass and people will go up and kiss it, not even a little peck, it's French style. This man could kill someone and broadcast it on Nickelodeon, no one would care. He'd try it right now if he heard us in Kenya, right now. He's invincible, and that's what makes him so great to us, the fact that he will be so charitable and donate SO many faces to us. A true American hero."

Leopards would not stop the praise for President Trump. Charts have shown that there was the biggest spike they had ever seen back in 2016, and a great drought in 2020. 2024 has already seen the arrows go up with voters already critically thinking what they did.

"Did you hear they have a group called Gays for Trump?" said Richard S. Afari. "The man doesn't give two shits about those guys, but they'll just keep voting for him! Muslims for Trump? You betcha. Labor Workers for Trump? Absolutely. I think probably the only thing we got from 2020-2024 was KKK for Biden, and that was just one drunk bald white guy who wrote it wrong on his ballot. These guys are maniacs. He's like the political version of The Beatles, he'll recreate the opening to A Hard Day's Night eventually anyway whenever he's in Florida."

Our leopardologist, Adlai Belleweather, has projected that leopards eating faces will go up by 300%, he also projects that on January 21, 2025 he'll be deported! I'll also gladly say that yes, Africans, this is your only news story this year, and it has basically nothing to do with you! Take that you.. what? I can't say that anymore? Then what's the point of being here in journalism? Gosh, the woke mob. At least I voted for Harris, I wish she could've stopped it.. Anyways, I'm Gene "Bop It, Twist It, Pull It" Archibald, and this is UnNews.

Sources

• Jokic, Natasha "Some Trump Voters Already Regret Their Decision" Buzzfeed, November 8, 2024