UnNews:Epstein pal President-elect Trump picks sex trafficking pedophile Matt Gaetz as attorney general
Thursday, November 14, 2024
MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida -- Convicted felon President-elect Donald Trump ― a longtime friend and accomplice of the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein ― is filling his cabinet with more evidence of his crimes and rapidly worsening dementia, showing the world why the 22nd and 25th Amendments are desperately needed.[1] And what better way than with the law itself? True to his character and principles, serial rapist Trump has selected sex trafficking pedophile Matt Gaetz as his attorney general.
"I tried getting Harvey Weinstein. He said no. I tried getting my old pal Jeff Epstein. He said no. Then I tried Harvey Epstein, figured why not hire both of 'em, double the justice? Hannibal Lecter turned me down. Charlie Manson turned me down. Jack the Ripper turned me down. Even my old pal Adolf turned me down! What a dick move. Speaking of dicks, I called up Arnold Palmer and he never answered the phone. Finally, I called Carl Palmer. Big fan of his work in Rush. [Palmer was never a member of Rush. - Ed.] I love their song "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," that big drum solo. [That was Iron Butterfly, dumbass! - Ed.] Then I called [dead 1980s rocker] Robert Palmer, and then the other Robert Palmer [a dead music historian and author]. As a last resort, I called Bill Palmer. He never answered."
Trump kept rambling on in his dementia until he finally got to, "I sat and thought for a while. Then I called my old pal Norman Bates. I love Norman. Best golden showers I've ever been to in America. Excellent service. He said he was too busy taking care of his dear mother. I wish them the best. I loaded up my Apple and thought, Hey, what about Bill Gates? Finally, out of all other options, I settled on Matt Gaetz. He was bewildered, but said yes. His exact words were, and I quote, 'Are you shitting me?' Terrific. He and I have a lot in common, and my old pal Jeff Epstein."
Gaetz, chuckling darkly while watching The Blue Lagoon and snorting cocaine, simply tweeted:
| “ | It will be an honor to serve as President Trump's Attorney General! | ” |
Many in Washington (even Republicans and Gaetz colleagues!) are, rightly, shocked and bewildered by this appointment by a malignant narcissist who clearly has severe dementia and shouldn't be in office, then or now.
“I was shocked by the announcement.”
– Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
“I’m sure it’ll make for a popcorn-eating confirmation hearing”
– Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“I don’t think it’s a serious nomination for the attorney general.”
– Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK-47)
“Ya think, Lisa?! This is the kind of crap UnNews or The Onion would write!”
– Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
“Well, the world has turned into Mad Magazine anyway, so what the hell?”
– Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“Are you shittin’ me?”
– Rep. Mike Simpson (R-Idaho)
“Are you shitting me, that you asked that question [about whether Gaetz has the moral character or experience to be AG]? No. But hell, you’ll print that and now I’ll be investigated.”
– Simpson
“I’ll keep an open mind.”
– Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
“Open mind? You liberal RINO!”
– Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
Democrats were far less reserved in their responses:
“It seems like a highly surprising, even bizarre choice that is likely to be met with a lot of skepticism on both sides of the aisle. I think there will be some very deep-seated doubt about his ability to fairly and wisely manage the very powerful law enforcement and prosecutorial system of our nation. To which I have to say ― No shit, Sherlock!”
– Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)
“[Trump] has made it clear that he now plans to use the Justice Department to seek revenge on his political enemies. Representative Matt Gaetz would be a disaster as the next Attorney General of the United States”
– Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), judiciary chair
Gaetz has already resigned from Congress in the wake of the news, and now the Republican-controlled House, which it is projected to retain, is scrambling like Fred Flintstone's feet to find a successor ― preferably one who isn't a drug-abusing sex pest.
Gaetz' resignation will kill House Ethics Committee investigations into the attorney general appointee's sexual misconduct, drugs, illicit payments and ― get this! ― obstruction of justice.
Gaetz has long been a critic of the DOJ investigations intro Trump, particularly those concerning his efforts to overturn the 2020 election, which culminated in January 6th.
Gaetz reportedly gifted Trump a golden elephant to bribe him into giving him the job.
Update: The GOP is officially retaining the House for the next two years, creating a GOP trifecta among the three co-equal branches. Zeus help us all.
Friday, November 15, 2024
Well, will you look at that? In what will surely go down as the worst sequel since Joker, Trump has two[2] cabinet picks with a history of sexual misconduct. The other is Fox & Friends co-host Pete Hegseth as defense secretary. Hegseth was accused of sexual assault in October 2017 ― during Trump's first year in office ― but no charges were filed.
Trump reasoned, "I went through all the Petes. Peter Pan, Pete Buttigieg, Peter Gabriel, Pete Davidson, Pete & Pete, Pete's Dragon, Pete from Disney... None of them wanted the job. They said defense was too hard, and you had to be a woman to be a secretary. I love my women, whether they like it or not, but I don't want them in any kind of power. So I stuck with a man. The last Pete left was Pete Hegseth, though I was this close to asking Pete Rose to reconsider."
Friday, November 22, 2024
Sex pestophile Matt Gaetz has pulled out of attorney general. He obviously can't go back to the House, even he he literally gets down on his knees and begs like James Brown. The House Ethics Committee was deadlocked on whether or not to release its Gaetz report.
Trump has instead selected former Florida attorney general, Scientology shill, and Silicon Valley lobbyist Pam Bondi as his new AG pick. She's 59 but looks like Kelly Bundy. She's a Trump loyalist who served as one of his defense lawyers at his first impeachment trial. Trump is the first president to ever be impeached twice and will soon be the first to be impeached three times, unless all that McDonald's and KFC finally does its job... and not the one Trump made a fool of himself doing as a PR stunt.
Pam Bondi is also what EON and MGM are calling the upcoming female reboot of James Bond.
Upon hearing the news, Stranger Things actor Brett Gelman asked Gaetz, "So... How was the pull-out?"
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Even though we'd end up with President Couch Fucker.
- ↑ That we know of.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Arthur Delaney and Jonathan Nicholson "‘Are You Shitttin' Me?’ Republicans Shocked By Donald Trump Nominating Matt Gaetz For Attorney General" HuffPost, November 13, 2024
- Robert Tait "Two Trump cabinet choices in jeopardy over sexual misconduct allegations" The Guardian, November 15, 2024
