UnNews:Trump picks Led Zeppelin to lead EPA
Tuesday, November 12, 2024
MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida -- Kamala Harris Donald Trump emerged victorious in a shockingly and appallingly close race, and is packing her his cabinet with some of the best people in Washington even more signs of his dementia.
Grover Cleveland 2.0 just announced that he has selected legendary rock band Led Zeppelin to lead the EPA in his new administration.
"Oh, Led Zeppelin. I love their stuff," Trump rambled on, "Except for 'The Immigrant Song.' Totally overrated. What a shithole song. That song is worse than 'Eat it.' Just like the food Al eats. Have you seen how fat he is? Anyway, I love my Led Zeppelin. 'Satisfaction,' 'Barracuda,' 'Espresso,' 'Shake It Off,' 'Good Luck Babe,' 'My Sharona,' 'Ayatollah,' 'My Bologna,' 'Rice-A-Rona,' Two Gentlemen of Verona, 'Come Sail Away,' 'Jumping Jack Flash,' 'Gimme Shelter'... Probably my favorite Led Zeppelin song is 'Dream On.' I love the way Mick Jagger (sic) sings those high notes. Oh, and 'Woman.' I love my women. Whether they like it or not!"
When UnNews pointed out that almost none of those songs were by Led Zeppelin -- and that Mick Jagger was neither the lead singer of Zeppelin or Aerosmith -- Trump called us fake news.
"Um, we literally are," we retorted.
"Good! I hope you enjoy your permanent spot on my enemies list."
We then rattled off the names of actual Led Zeppelin songs -- classics such as "Stairway to Heaven," "D'yer Mak'er" ("Shithole country!"), "Kashmir" ("Terrific sweaters. I love them!"), "Heartbreaker" ("I love Pat Benatar. Tough chick. Probably didn't vote for me, but that's okay, I won."), and "Whole Lotta Love" ("There was a lot of it on January 6th. It was a beautiful love fest. It was Woodstock.")
We then (semi-sarcastically) complimented his McDonald's uniform, to which he (surprisingly) sincerely replied, "Thanks, friends!" then gave us all Taylor Swift friendship bracelets.
"You know, I was just on the phone with their guitarist, Jimi Hendrix (sic). Terrific guy. And he's so excited for the job. In fact he was so excited that he played 'Highway to Heaven' (sic). But I told him the song was too long and hung up on him."
We then pointed out that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant were literally standing in front of him.
"Oh, I didn't see them. Thanks again, friend."
If this is a prelude to the next four years...
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Rachel Frazin "Trump selects Lee Zeldin to lead EPA" (Over) The Hill (and Far Away), November 11, 2024
