Chappell Roan
Chappell Roan (born February 19, 1968) is an American singer whose voice is the embodiment of Miss Piggy from the Muppets. Apparently every musician in the world loves her and wants to do a collaboration with her. Her real name isn't actually Chappell Roan, but prior to 2016 her real name is Chappelle Roan, like the comedian of the same name. In fact, she has virtually no haters because of this. She began releasing music in 2014, although she didn't garner success for some reason until 2024.
Career[edit | edit source]
Pre-2024: Before she was famous[edit | edit source]
Chappelle Roan was born in Missouri in 1968, contrary to most sources (including Wikipedia) who think that she was born 30 years later. Her parents, who are healthy, active senior citizens, are really rich and gain over 10 million dollars every year from their tractor business and basically she grew up in a tractor farm. Otherwise, she basically never went to college.
1986-1991: Water bottles[edit | edit source]
In 1986, Roan patented the first plastic non-disposable water bottle. She started a business selling these water bottles. Roan’s water bottles, which came in many colors, became popular overnight and were so much in demand, they could not be manufactured fast enough to meet the demand. Every human being on earth wanted to have at least 100 of these water bottles, but there were only enough made for each person to have 5. Most people wanted lots of water bottles not to drink from, but to keep as collectibles in hopes of reselling them for a profit someday. Typically, each person had one for drinking from of a commonly available color (usually white or clear), and all their others were stored in mint condition as collectibles.
The water bottles started to get sold on the secondhand market. Even though they only sold for $5 each in retailers, they were being resold on the secondary market for hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars. Some of the rarer varieties were sold for the most amount of money and became collector’s items. The pink water bottles were the rarest, selling for $3 million on the secondary market, even though those who were lucky could find them for $5. Only 2000 pink Chappell Roan water bottles were ever made, and they were soon retired after the pink dye was no longer available.
The demand for Chappell Roan water bottles led to scrambles to buy them wherever one could. They were sold cheaply at supermarkets, pharmacies, souvenir shops, and other places where cheap goods were sold. These stores were always swamped with customers stampeding and camping out all night in an attempt to snatch up as many bottles as one could. Police departments reported receiving more calls to deal with fights caused by those looking for Chappell Roan water bottles than all types of crime combined. So much that police departments around the United States had to hire many more officers and designate squads specially for dealing with these fights. In 1988, Walgreen’s announced they would no longer sell Chappell Roan water bottles after an employee was stabbed to death in such a fight.
Many companies would give away bottles with their own brands plastered on them as promotions. These included cereal manufacturers, fast food chains, gas stations, and more. Best Buy gave out a free Chappell Roan water bottle to anyone who purchased an iPad. One of the most famous promotions was when Roan partnered with Planet Fitness in 1989 to give away bottles with the purchase of a membership. The St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals gave away bottles as a promotion when attending their games. These too were considered collectibles of their own.
Chappell Roan water bottles remained a fad until 1991. Then they lost popularity and became worthless. By this time, other brands of water bottles had flooded the market and most people did not care what brand they used. With the lack of interest in Chappell Roan water bottles, most of them did not receive the TLC they had been given during the fad, and many of them ended up in landfills and the ocean. Today, a small number of them are sold cheaply on eBay.
Roan made a fortune off her water bottles. She earned a total of $2.7 trillion during that time, becoming the world’s first trillionaire. She has since given away most of that money to help clean up the environmental damage the bottles caused that made her feel remorseful and only has about $10 million remaining to her name.
Music career[edit | edit source]
When Roan was young, she idolized Aretha Franklin. So much that during her adolescence, she attended more than 200 Aretha Franklin concerts. She often got front row seats and would talk to Franklin and they developed a friendship that remained until Franklin’s death in 2018. She shared with Franklin her dream of being a pop star. Her favorite song of Franklin’s was Freeway of Love, which was popular around the time she graduated from high school.
Back then, as her parents told her she was unlikely to succeed in a music career and would do better in business, she dreamed of being a famous pop star. That was when she started her water bottle business from which she made a fortune. And she used some of the money to buy musical instruments and take music lessons.
In 2020, shortly after the pandemic began, and she along with the rest of the world had to isolate, the late Franklin came to Roan in a dream and told her to pursue a career in music. Roan took this message seriously and started to write songs and upload them to TikTok. A record deal would come very soon.
Roan later got a deal with Atlantic Records, but that didn't work. However, her songs still managed to keep being in top 100 lists about the best songs of whatever year it was in news outlets. Later she would open for her soon-to-be fiancé Olivia Rodrigo (twice) during her tours and become her romantic partner for life after the pair would fall in love. In 2023, she would release her first studio album which made everyone love her even until her death.
2024: Career breakthrough[edit | edit source]
In 2024, Roan opened for one of Rodrigo's tours again, and then her music sales and streams rose. Her fame started to skyrocket when she performed in Coachella for the first time and then releasing the song "Bad Luck Bitch!" in May. The amount of playlists she was in was increasing by the minute. It feels as if the entire music industry just loves her. Whenever you ask a musical artist what their favorite artist is at the moment, they will always reply with her name. 2024 is expected to be Roan's biggest year of her career as it turns out that literally no one hates her.
Popularity[edit | edit source]
In 2024, Roan became the most popular person in the world with the greatest fan base. She currently has more fans than anyone else in the entire world. She has 10,000 times as many as Taylor Swift. She has tens of thousands more than Kamala Harris and Donald Trump combined, the two candidates of the 2024 United States presidential election. There are 2000 Facebook groups composed of people wanting her to run for president.
Whenever Chappell Roan comes to any city to perform, her crowds are so large, the city has to make plans. Some of these plans include closing streets to allow them to be used for spectator space and erecting video screens to make her more visible to those who are far away. Some cities are busy construction stadiums able to accommodate one million people at a time in preparation for Roan’s scheduled appearances. The city of Las Vegas demolished some of its famous hotels on The Strip in order to construct a venue for 5 million people come to see Roan perform.
Roan does not enjoy this popularity. She likes to perform and enjoys her career, but not her popularity. She is not a fan of being surrounded by large crowds.
Musical style[edit | edit source]
Roan is very well known for her very deep voice, which should not come as a surprise. Her songs are basically a combination that is similar to that of Olivia Rodrigo's songs and music made by drag queens. It's also worth noting that she is one of many musical artists who make music for openly metrosexual people like her. Most of her lyrics are about being a lesbian, which also shouldn't be surprising to you.
Discography[edit | edit source]
Singles[edit | edit source]
- Blue Horse Bar (2020)
- Misery (2020)
- Fully Clothed in Los Angeles (2022)
- My Fetishes (2022)
- Queer Icon (2022)
- Wild (2022)
- Skittles (2023)
- Aspirin in Space (2023)
- COLD ENOUGH??? (2023)
- Bad Luck Bitch! (2024)
Albums[edit | edit source]
- The Fall & Rise of Your Artist's Favorite Artist (2023)