UnNews:President pardons Princess Peach and Blossom
Tuesday, November 26, 2024
WASHINGTON -- It's the week of Thanksgiving, so naturally President Biden has partaken in a long-running ― and bizarre ― presidential tradition. The 46th POTUS has officially pardoned Princess Peach, and Blossom and The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik.
"Although the United States does not recognize titles of nobility," the President said while pardoning Peach, "I feel it is my duty as president to protect this young princess from the evil clutches of that bastard lizard, King Koopa, or is it Bowser?" [It's both. ― Ed.] He then pointed his finger as he taunted the reptilian monarch, "I don't care how many piano ballads you sing in an Elton John style... Leave her the hell alone, Jack!"
Mario and Luigi were in attendance. Toad didn't attend because he's in rehab for his mushroom addiction. Yoshi didn't attend because he became a pariah after voting for Trump.
In 2022, the president pardoned the country of Türkiye. Biden was unable to pardon last year because the turkeys were on strike. "I'm a union man, dammit!"
While pardoning Bialik, Biden clarified a caveat, "I will not pardon Jeopardy! for firing her. She was a damn good host. So was LeVar Burton, but I digress. Ken Jennings is a good guy, but I know exactly what it's like for a woman to lose out on a job they rightfully deserve. It's... personal for me, so it's a big fucking deal."
In attendance for Bialik were Jennings, Jim Parsons, and Joey Lawrence, the latter of whom responded with "Whoa!"
Biden conce... NO, that's an awful word ― Biden admitted that, "I was originally going to pardon Blossom from the Powerpuff Girls, but they insisted on being a package deal."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Domenico Montanaro "Biden pardons turkeys Peach and Blossom, another chapter in a strange tradition" NPR, November 25, 2024
