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UnNews:President pardons Türkiye

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This article violates Article 299 of the Turkish Penal Code for "insulting the president" and making fun of the Republic of Turkey.

Monday, November 21, 2022

Erdoğan admitted that Biden got "a little too touchy-feely."

WASHINGTON -- It's that time of year again and President Biden has performed his traditional pardoning of a holiday icon. The 80-year-old president has pardoned the country of Türkiye. President of Türkiye Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was proudly in attendance of the ceremony.

"Türkiye," Biden reprimanded the country, "subjecting Greece, the birthplace of democracy, to 400 years of Ottoman rule was a total dick move. But I accept that that was just the trendy thing to do at the time. And don't get me started on the whole mess about Istanbul and Constantinople. At least They Might Be Giants helped me sort it out."

"Your country is one to talk, Mr. Biden," Erdoğan argued. "Did the Democratic Party not control the House of Representatives for 40 years, from 1955 to 1995? And was FDR not president from 1933-1945? That is The Great Depression and World War II."

"Well, at least Türkiye came to its senses during World War II," Biden shot back.

"And then we joined NATO in 1952," Erdoğan added.

"The Truman Doctrine saved your ass in 1947. And Greece's, too."

"You leave Greece out of this!"

"Türkiye sure couldn't when it invaded Cyprus after the 1974 coup."

"Cyprus isn't even part of Greece, you orospu çocuğu!"

Türkiye itself has had its own coups in 1960, 1971, 1980 and 2016.

The arguing went on for an hour before Biden threw up his hands and said, "Perhaps I should rethink your pardon."

But why did the president feel the need to pardon Türkiye? "That's nobody's business but the Turks."