UnNews:President pardons Derpy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Is friendship truly magic? Is foolishness a virtrue? President Obama seems to believe so, as he gave an official Thanksgiving pardon to beloved pegasus Derpy Hooves.
Equestrian mailmare Derpy Hooves, also known as 'Ditzy' by friends and 'Muffins' by Hasbro, is as a popular background pony on the reality show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and the unofficial maskot of its bizarre Internet fandom. The honorary pardon, however, came after a controversy among concerned mothers and online do-gooders that the wall-eyed pegasus was offensive to mentally handicapped children. This itself caused a blacklash from her fans who felt the complainers were being "uptight [explicit]".
Enter Barack Obama to restore sanity, love and friendship on this eve of thanks. Speaking on the White House's North Lawn with Derpy herself by his side:
| “ | Uhhh...you know what, Derpy? I don't think you're offensive. Not-at-all. You make me smile. You make kids smile. You're an inspiration for silly goofballs everywhere. If you're stupid..then..we're all, uuuuuhhhhhh, little-stupid. Everyone derps. I derp. Look at my presidency. Look at my vice president. The true derp incarnate. Look at Congress. Oh my God, look at Congress. Just look at this year's batch of my potential replacements: a parade of derps. Here-a-derp. Uhh..there-a-derp. Everywhere, uh, derp-derp. | ” |
It was at this point the president stared off blankly into nothing for about ten seconds, before singing to himself what was apparently an improv spoof of Jingle Bells.
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The president then hoofbumped Derpy, petted her mane and gave her a complementary executive muffin. Derpy, smiling widely and holding the muffin with her two front hooves, then flew around excitedly to the awe of a cheering crowd. Only to bump her bubble rump into a White House column, knocking it down and causing other columns to fall like dominoes, until the entire North Portico collapsed behind the president. "Oopsies!" said the little mare in the cutest of voices, prompting President Obama to sigh, facepalm and mumble, "I just don't know what went wrong."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Amy Keating Rogers "Derpy Speaks" The Last Roundup, January 21, 2012
- DerpySquad "Derpygate" Derpy News, February 26, 2012
- Derpy Hooves "Cry, dammit." Alligator Tub Productions, February 25, 2012
- Oxford Dictionary "Everybody knows the 'derp' is the word" Oxford University Press, August 28, 2013