UnNews:OH MY GOD WHAT THE FREAK
Friday, November 8, 2024
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
BURLINGTON, VERMONT - In one of our more non-political stories today, WHAT THE FREAK! OH MY GOSH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, THIS IS SO FLIPPIN WEIRD, WHAT THE WHAT? We interviewed with historians who had something to say about this.
"Do.. do you not know who Phineas Gage is?" the RADICAL historian said. "He had an iron rod directly driven through his head."
"So, like, how did that happen?" said our news reporter John Silverman.
"Well, an accidental explosion of a charge he had set blew a 13-pound tamping iron straight through his head."
"So, it did. So, like, when did this happen?"
"176 years ago."
"Wow... Never heard of that place. So, like, what's your favorite color?"
"Re- Wait, how is this important to anything we're talking about?"
"I have a bunch of stickers I collected, do you like, want some?"
"No, what kind of news company is this?"
"UnNews. You're a really good historian."
"I'm a literal homeless person who was just playing the violin and watching pirated X-Files episodes and searching up whoever you were talking about on my laptop."
"Really? Well, uh, do you uhh, specialize in Silly Bandz?"
"No. Nobody's used those things in 10 years."
"That's mean. You're a meanie."
"Are you a child?"
"No. Daddy says I'm tall."
"Oh, he has marks on his walls with your heights doesn't he?"
"Yeah."
"Wow, you're so special, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then go bother someone else."
"You said you were a historian!"
"I'M NOT A HISTORIAN."
"Historiansaywhat?"
"What?"
"You're a historian."
"How- No- Ok, can you please just leave?"
"No."
"Leave."
"No."
"LEAVE!"
"Nuh-uh."
"LEAVE!"
"I know you are, but who am I?"
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"
"..."
"Please leave."
"What's your favorite animal?"
"Oh, Gira- HEY NO I'm not going to fall for that twice."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Are you smart?"
"I am."
"What's 2 + 2?"
"Four."
"What's 4 + 4?"
"Eight."
"What's the first question I said?"
"What's 2 + 2."
"Wrong! It was are you smart, take that! *sticks out tongue*"
"HEY! HEY! Come BACK HERE! Stupid motherf-"
Wow, really great journalism there Silverman. That iron rod guy sure was uh. You know what, I'm probably going to puke if I see his face again. This is actually pre-recorded before we even get the interview so I have no idea if that went good or not. I hope we don't get jinxed, eh? Eh? Cameraman, laugh when I tell you to laugh. Good boy. Anyways, we'll be seeing you next time on UnNews as soon as I know when to stop looking at this perpetual motion machine. I know it has a battery, but I can't stop looking! Ooooooooooooh.