UnNews:We asked our readers what they do with horrid itchy Christmas sweaters
Thursday, December 19, 2024
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
STANLEY, FALKLAND ISLANDS - In our unfortunate years that we have been your major provider for asylum-loose news, we have never even bothered to ask what OUR viewers think of multiple world problems. Usually we just fill trash in your mouth and stuff it in with a hydraulic press! So, last week we asked you, "What do you do with horrid itchy Christmas sweaters?"
STACY (DENVER, COLORADO) I secretly sneak into Nickelodeon Studios, open the time capsule, and put it inside there. Fashion back then was so thickheaded no one will bat an eye.
BARRY (GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN)
Whenever I run out of toilet paper it's just too good to not use. Sure, I might now wake up every day with an itchy ass, but at least I did my American business.
MARK (SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA)
I usually just hang it out to dry, but unknown to most people, I leave it there forever.. and ever.. and ever.. and ever.. and ever..
ROGER (EL PASO, TEXAS)
Give it to the Mexican workers in my yard as a nice gift from master-to-slave.
LEONA (ALBANY, NEW YORK)
I imagine it's my child I never had due to my abnormal uterine shape and the fact that I'm too poor for surgery.
JANET (MIAMI, FLORIDA)
Satan usually just takes it from me if I perform the ritual correctly, but with the deal I made with him in turn I have to listen to death metal every day.
MIKE (LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS)
Six busted paper shredders. Count them. Six. That's the shit I have to go through each year.
SHARON (PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA)
Ask my cat to eat it. Then ask my dog to eat the cat. Ask the shark to eat the dog. Finally, ask global warming to kill them all.
GLENN (CHICAGO, ILLINOIS)
Drop it at an art museum and run as fast as I can. They now think I'm better than Picasso.
MICHAEL (WINNIPEG, CANADA)
☝︎♓︎❖︎♏︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ♌︎♋︎♍︎🙵 ⧫︎□︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♑︎❒︎♋︎■︎♎︎❍︎♋︎ ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ♋︎ ■︎□︎❒︎❍︎♋︎●︎ ♒︎◆︎❍︎♋︎■︎ ♌︎♏︎♓︎■︎♑︎✍︎✍︎ (Who the hell cares what Canadians think anyways?)
GAVIN (MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE)
Hang it up in the basement along with photographs of the great art of Glenn Johnson.
We'd like to thank everyone who participated, sadly we were only allowed to pick a few, so we picked the best! Best in this situation means the ones who submitted first. Now, be blessed with "Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys.
UnNews wishes you a |
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