UnNews:Panama Canal threatened by rising sea levels
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19:36, 22 December 2024 (UTC)
Balboa, PANAMA: In yet another development in humanity's ongoing war against Mother Nature, the venerable and ancient Panama Canal has become the latest battleground for trying to keep everything exactly the way things are. Alarmed scientists (whoever they are) project that, due to an alarming rise of sea levels, the entire canal will become flooded and go completely underwater within the next 20 years. Scientists everywhere find this alarming news particularly alarming. Ordinary people who don't know a damn thing about science or current events are even more alarmed. Politicians and corporate CEOs who don't know a damn thing about science or current events are also alarmed, but for completely different reasons.
The prospect of having a 50-mile wide and 100-foot-deep swath of nothing but seawater extending from sea to shining sea would make Panama's nuclear-powered locks (which are needed by ships in order to magically elevate over Panama's treacherous 10-foot-tall central mountain range) extremely difficult if not impossible to operate. The pure and pristine contents of Lake Gatun would no longer be washed down the drain solely to keep the man-made trench filled up during peak hours, but instead would have to be utilized for things of lesser importance such as watering crops or providing free drinking water to millions of destitute Panamanians.
According to historical records, the Panama Canal was conceived of and built by a man with a plan in the hopes that it would bring the whole world together in peace and friendship and mutual understanding once and for all. Alright, it was actually built by filthy-rich industrial tycoons using dirt-cheap indigenous slave labor under absolutely horrific conditions. Happy now? The current government of Panama (whoever they are), which has for the entirety of its 72-hour existence been struggling to provide for their people's basic needs, might be forced to reconstruct the canal all over again, this time on higher ground where it would be safe from the encroaching arms of the sea and the ravages of international maritime traffic. Unfortunately, the original blueprints of the canal went missing a long long time ago because somebody stapled them to the original blueprints of the Saturn V.
Another possibility to save the canal for future generations would be for Panama to sell it off to the highest bidder, namely, Elon Musk, who has his own tentative plan to turn it into a combination undersea theme-park and casino commemorating the historic sinking of Atlantis. Meanwhile, President-elect and Acting-as-if-he-were-already-President Donald Trump welcomed the alarming climatic news with immense joy, hoping to acquire the entirety of the mosquito-infested and malaria-ridden Panama Canal Zone on the cheap, and with minimal military effort, for the purpose of restoring America to its former greatness before either one sinks irrevocably into the mire. In an official Truth Social tweet yesterday morning, Trump demanded that Panama give it all (specifically, the canal, the zone, and the entirety of Panama) back to the United States on the flimsy pretext that he (Trump) is still angry about that silly "Manuel Noriega affair" which everybody else seems to have forgotten about.