The Putz Who Stole Hanukkah
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- Every Jew
- Down in Jewville
- Liked Hanukkah a lot,
- But some Putz,
- Who lived just East of Jewville,
- Did not!
- That Putz hated Hanukkah!
- The whole holiday season!
- Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
- It could be that his bomb wasn't strapped on quite right.
- It could be that the turban on his head was too tight.
- But I think that the most likely reason of all
- May have been that his beard was two sizes too small.
- But,
- Whatever the reason,
- His beard or his turban,
- He stood there on Hanukkah, chugging on bourbon,
- Staring down from his cave with an evil, bearded frown
- At the glowing Menorahs below in the town.
- For he knew every Jew down in Jewville beneath
- Was busy now, playing dreidel without grief.
- "And they're putting on yarmulkes!" he snarled with a sneer.
- "Tomorrow is Hanukkah! It's practically here!"
- Then he scowled, with his fingers nervously tapping,
- "I must find a way to keep Hanukkah from happening!"
- For tomorrow, he knew...
- ...All the Jew girls and boys
- Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
- And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
- That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
- Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
- And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
- And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! F***ING FEAST!
- They would start on latkas, and rare matzo ball soup
- Which was something that made the Putz want to puke!
- And then
- They'd do something he liked least of all!
- Would stand close together, with Hanukkah bells ringing.
- They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Jews would start singing!
- They'd sing! And they'd sing!
- And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
- And the more the Putz thought of the Jews start to sing,
- The more the Putz thought, "I must stop this damn thing!
- Why for seventeen centuries I've put up with it now!
- I must stop Hanukkah from coming!
- ...But how?"
- Then he got an idea!
- An awful idea!
- The Putz got a wonderful, awful idea!
- "I know just what to do!" The Putz Laughed in his throat.
- And then made a quick rabbi yarmukel and robe.
- And he chuckled and clucked, with an evil look in his eye,
- "With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like a Rabbi!"
- "All I need is a Jewdeer..."
- The Putz looked all around.
- But since Jewdeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
- Did that stop the old Putz?
- "No!" The Putz simply said,
- "If I can't find a Jewdeer, I'll make one instead!"
- So the Putz called his camel Achmed.
- Took some red thread,
- And he tied a Star Of David on top of his head.
- Then...
- He loaded some bags
- And some sacks green and red
- On his ramshackle rickshaw
- And he hitched up Achmed
- Then the Putz screamed, "Jihad!"
- And the rickshaw started down
- Toward the homes where the Jews
- Lay a-snooze in their town.
- All their windows were dark. Flying shrapnel filled the air.
- The Jews were all dreaming sweet dreams without care,
- When he came to the first house in the square.
- "This is stop number one," The old Putz hissed
- And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
- He jumped through the window, and fell like a klutz.
- But if Moses could do it, then so could the Putz.
- He lay on the floor, for a moment or two.
- Then he stuck his head out to look for a Jew.
- He saw the little Jew yarmulkes all hung in a row.
- "These yarmulkes," he grinned, "Are the first things to go!"
- Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
- Around the whole room, and he stole every present!
- Dreidels! And menorahs! Gelt! Money! And drums!
- Gefilta Fish! Latkas! Matzo! And plums!
- He stuffed them in bags with a smile so cold,
- And took back outside all the bags he could hold!
- Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jews' food!
- He took the Jew-pudding and their matzo ball soup!
- He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
- Why, that Putz even took their last can of Jew-hash!
- He raided everything in the house with an ecstatic aura.
- "And now," grinned the Putz, "I will jack these fools' Torah!"
- And the Putz grabbed the book, and he started to run
- When he heard a loud sound like the shot of a gun.
- He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jew!
- Little Cindy-Lou Jew, who was not more than two.
- The Putz had been caught by this little Jew daughter
- Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
- She stared at the Putz and said, "You Rabbi, why,
- Why are you taking our Torah? Why?"
- But, you know, that old Putz was so smart and so slick
- He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
- "Why, my sweet little tot," that bastard Putz lied,
- "There's a tear on a page thats almost five inches wide.
- So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
- I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
- And his fib fooled the child. So he patted her head
- And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
- And when Cindy-Lou Jew went to bed with her drink,
- He wondered what was next, and began to think.
- Then the last thing he took
- Was the shamash candle.
- Then the old Putz carried out all he could handle.
- He left nothing but hooks, and a sandal.
- And the one speck of food
- That he left in the house
- Was a crumb that was even too small for a louse.
- Then
- He did the same thing
- To the other Jews' houses,
- Leaving crumbs
- Much too small
- For the other Jews' louses!
- It was a quarter past dawn...
- All the Jews, still in bed
- All the Jews, still a-snooze
- When he packed up his sled,
- Packed it up with their presents! The dreidels! The food!
- The menorahs! The Torahs! The matzo ball soup!
- Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Strumpet
- He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
- "Screw all the Jews!" he was Putz-ish-ly humming.
- "They'll soon find out now that no Hanukkah is coming!
- They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
- Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
- Then all the Jews down in Jewville will all cry Boo-hoo!"
- "That's a noise," grinned the Putz,
- "That I simply must hear!"
- So he paused. And put an ear to his hand
- He did hear a sound rising over the sand.
- It started in low. Then it started to grow...
- But the sound wasn't sad!
- Why, this sound sounded merry!
- It couldn't be so!
- But it was merry! Very!
- He stared down at Jewville!
- The Putz popped his eyes!
- And then he shook!
- What he saw was a shocking surprise!
- Every Jew down in Jewville, the tall and the small,
- Was singing! Without any presents at all!
- He hadn't stopped Hanukkah from coming!
- It came!
- Somehow or other, it came just the same!
- And the Putz, with his feet fire-hot in the sand,
- Stood puzzling and puzzling: "This wasn't planned!
- It came without yarmulkes! It came without rags!
- It came without matzo, dreidels or bags!"
- And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
- Then the Putz thought of something he hadn't before!
- "Maybe Hanukkah," he thought, "Doesn't come from a store.
- Maybe Hanukkah...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
- And what happened then...?
- Well...in Jewville they say
- That the Putz's small beard
- Grew three sizes that day!
- And the minute his beard didn't feel quite so tight,
- He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
- And he brought back the toys! And the food for the meal!
- And he...
- He himself...
- The Putz ate the matzo with zeal!
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