UnNews:Christmas horoscope special

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24 December 2013

Jane Jenkins, a Scorpio and office worker.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. But everyone knows that's not why you keep opening the front door of that Asian massage parlour.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Who brought that blow up doll in here?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You lose concentration while the Ghost of Christmas Future is talking to you due to his radical threads and hoverboard.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) – "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" Who knew the rosy-cheeked young boy who said that would grow up into a person making front page news, featuring the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You always hate Christmas, and this year it doesn't help when you learn that a local entrepreneur heard you saying "Bah humbug" and has since launched Baa Hamburgers, the finest lamb-burger joint in town.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house/Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Which means it's finally time to crack open the laptop and get on Youporn.com.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You create an indelible memory for your kids when - after weeks of wondering what will fill their stockings - they come downstairs to find their father wearing them.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – .'And so this is Christmas . . . what have you done?' What? You did what? With your sister-in-law's tampon? Why would you want to do that?

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – The perfect Egg Nog recipe: one part egg to four parts nog.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – When Jimmy Stewart said, "Well, your money's in Joe's house - that's right next to yours. And in the Kennedy House, and Mrs. Macklin's house, and, and a hundred others," it was sweet because he was demonstrating how the town worked as a cooperative. It's not the same effect if you simply explain you haven't bought presents because all your money's in a drug dealer's house, a bar owner's house, and a hundred brothels .

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – I know you hate your job and it makes you suicidally depressed. But put a Santa hat on, it will do wonders.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – God bless us, every one! Well not the Jews obviously. Or the Muslims. Or the atheists. We'll give the agnostics five more minutes.

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