Hell (place)
- For other "Hells", please see this page.
Hell is a domain of pure, concentrated evil and the home of the river of pink slime that reacts to negative emotions, which was discovered by the Ghostbusters. Ruled by Satan and his lesser minions, it is the place where the spirits of evil life forms who died go to relax (including you), if they prefer to not go to heaven or the ghost zone. Another way to get to Hell is to be "Damned to Hell" by God for being bad while alive. As of October 2000, Hell is a fully owned subsidiary of Sony.
Composition and Location[edit | edit source]
“Hell exists in the same place as our consensus reality, but it's like a film shutter- it's the darkness between the 24 frames.”
In less technical terms, hell is like another dimension that is parallel to ours. It is basically earth, only everything is evil, and every city, state, country, and continent (including Antarctica, which in hell, is nothing but a volcanic wasteland.) is ruled by one of Satan's minions. Also, the names of all the cities, states, countries, and continents are modified to have some hell related pun (Example: Mass-hell-chusetts) in them to indicate that it is hell. Some other notable things about hell are that no 2 people speak the same language, and people will often swear at each other in foreign languages. Its the worst things about life, only magnified.
The main transdemonential entrance is located right off Exit 13 of the New Jersey Turnpike. If just visiting as a tourist, be sure to have exact change or an E-Z Pass ready for the tollbooth, since there are reserved seats in hell for those neglect these.
Hell looks a lot like Detroit, but its a lot nicer, when you are killed in Hell, you either go to Detroit or China, take your pick.
Hell's Music[edit | edit source]
As everyone with half a brain cell knows the Devil has the best music, as a result all Heavy Metal bands exist in their greatest form in Hell. For exaple in Hell Metallica post Master of Puppets never existed. Hellian musicians as they are know (because I say so) have there own dominion known only as The Pit, within which lies the Porcupine Tree which Moses saw In Flames. Opeth are grand rulers of the Pit and smite any naysayers and Emos with the mighty power of the guitar solo.
Also known to inhabit the Pit are: The Dillinger Escape Plan (pre bullshit), Children of Bodom, Venom, Motorhead, Iron Maiden (minus the Dickinson free years), Pantera, and Fall Out Boy (the evilest band alive).
Imagine of Hell[edit | edit source]
Hell is separated into nine separate "layers." The first layer holds the least evil and each layer the evil gets a little thicker until the ninth layer where only the most evil may go. This chart shows the nine layers and the type of evil that may be found on both layers.
General asshats
Circle I Limbo
DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Oakland Raider Fans
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Republicans
Circle IV Learning there Views are Wrong
Green Peace
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Trixies
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Ghostbusters
Circle VII Burning Sands
The Pope
Circle VIII Immersed in Excrement
Scientologists
Circle IX Frozen in Iceburg full of copies of the Necronomicon
Satan Himself
Circle Deus Ex Machina With all the Poker players and Deus Ex Machina God
Ghost(Human)busters[edit | edit source]
In Hell, most things are the opposite from their earthly counterparts. This is also valid for the Ghostbusters. In Hell, the Ghostbusters are known as the Human or Fleshbusters, who will "bust" any living being that comes into the domain of Hell known as "Manhellton". They use proton packs that shoot powerful blasts of ectoplasm (similar to those blasted by Danny Phantom) at living beings and then trap them in traps (which look quite similar to the Ghostbusters' ghost trap) that somehow have the ability to trap a living organism.
The Manhellton Incident[edit | edit source]
At one point, Satan had one of his minions, Siffler, who ruled over Hell's version of Manhattan, New York (Manhellton), evict several souls from his domain, Manhellton, as it was becoming too full to the point of bursting. Siffler complied to this and began to evict souls from Manhellton into Manhatton (earth). This, however, caused a lot of trouble for the residents of New York city, who had already faced 2 ghost-related threats in 1984, and then in 1989. The Ghostbusters were then called by God to stop Siffler from evicting souls into the world of the living. They were able to get to hell by building a portal that would transport them there. The portal, which bared a strong resemblance to a ghost portal, which could transport someone to "The Ghost Zone", would take the ghostbusters "one phase out of beat", which was where hell exists, as quoted by Egon Spengler. The Ghostbusters succeeded in stopping Satan and Siffler's plans, thus saving the world (again). This incident was to be documented in filmmaker Ivan Reitman's unproduced documentary, Ghostbusters 3. Unfortunately however, the documentary was not made due to it being rejected by Columbia Pictures, who owned the rights to Reitman's documentaries. This was because Satan himself had possessed the CEO of Columbia pictures, and speaking through him, Satan managed to keep his minion, Siffler's failure from becoming public, and him from becoming the laughing stock of the undead community.
Satan's New Right-hand Man[edit | edit source]
Recently, 28 year old Satan Worshiper named Darrell Ferguson was executed in Ohio for a triple murder. When Ferguson died by lethal injection, he was welcomed into Hell with open arms by many of it's residents. Satan himself was quoted as saying that he had never been so happy to greet a new arrival in Hell since his first date with now husband Saddam Hussein. When Mr. Ferguson arrived in Hell, Satan threw him a huge party and invited all his best friends. Satan, happy to have a person so evil enter Hell also dubbed Darrell his second in command. Ironically, this has not made Satan's husband Saddam Hussein jealous. Saddam was quoted as saying to his husband 2 days later "I can change!"
Regulars[edit | edit source]
Hell is not without regular visitors and ghosts who call it home.
Satan - Ruler of Hell, so he obviously lives there.
Americans - No surprise; these whiners are destined to burn here the whole time.
Deus Ex Machina God - Plays poker on Wednesdays. Omnipotent jackass.
Robert Frost - Reads poetry to Satan, and walks his poodle "Scrambles".
Siffler - One of Satan's lesser minions, is the ruler of "Manhellton" (Hell's version of New York).
Mel Gibson - Was damned to hell by God while still alive for bashing Jesus in his movies, Passion of the Christ and Passion of the Christ 2. Was also dammed for being anti-semitic.
Chuck Norris - Comes once every week to play poker with Satan, he sometimes makes Satan shit himself.
Darrell Ferguson - New arrival to hell as well as a prominent satan worshiper.
Ember McLain - The ghost of the famous gothic rock n' roll queen and her band, "Ember and the Ghostly Trio" occasionally make appearances at "The Hellrock Cafe (Hardrock Cafe, in the living world) in Hellywood (Hollywood in the living world) to play songs from their recent albums.
Hellmo - His name obviously implies that he lives in Hell. Hellmo is also one of Satan's leeser minions who rules over "Satanme Street" (Hell's version of Sesame Street).
Samhain - The Creator and god of Halloween, he is a distant relative of Satan who periodicaly visits when not trapped in the Ghostbusters' containment unit.
Dick Cheney - Despite the fact that he is still alive Dick Cheney is allowed to travel freely between Hell and Earth because he is so evil. Cheney usually visits Hell to attend Satan's family gatherings and to hunt ghost quails (Or more accurately, ghost lawyers).
Hitler - Doomed to spend all of eternity in Hell as punishment by God for attempting to take over the hilly warm side of New Zealand.
The Jersey Devil - Former resident of Hell and Satan's cousin. Was never seen or heard from again after he picked a fight with Danny Phantom.
Alan Robertson - Why not?
Barney the Dinosaur - One of Satan's high-ranking minions, is usually given jobs that involve hypnotizing humans with extremely annoying songs and behavior.
Jar Jar Binks-Another one of Satan's high ranking minions, and one of the most annoying beings in the universe, perhaps even more than Barney. Specializes in torturing random arrivals by trapping them and repeatedly saying "Mesa Jar Jar Binks."
Anti Cosmo - The Bizarro World counterpart of idiot fairy, Cosmo, had a summer house built in Hell.
Leonidas and his Spartans - They frequently come at night to dine.
Other Notables now in Hell[edit | edit source]
The newest notable to have gone to hell is bolded until a newer one dies and goes there. Also, please update the list regularly.
Remember that Uncyclopedia isn't just for jokes; it's also for facts that might be true, but aren't verifiable amongst the living, like this list below.