Bashar al-Assad
Bashar al-Asshat (Arabic: بشار الأسد,, b. 9/11, 1965) was the former Dick-tater of Syria and Secretary of the Syrian Blood Ba'ath Party. He inherited the throne in 2000 following the accidental deaths of his brother and father, which removed the burden of having to kill them himself. Since inheriting power he has improved many sectors of the Syrian economy through terrorism subsidies and a "starve the beast"[1] spending policy with regard to social welfare. He is also notable for his brutally oppressive brutal oppression of politically dissident political dissidents and his well-groomed mustache, both of which are compulsory for Ba'ath Party members.
After a decade of being propped up by Russia and Iran, his regime came to an ignominious end when his entire country got taken over by Turkish-backed semi-reformed Al Qaeda militants in one hour, proving once and for all the importance of securing your border with Mexico Turkey. Should've built a wall!
Early life[edit | edit source]
To the chagrin of his father, King Asshat I, Bashar was conceived after a passionless one night stand. He dropped out of his mother's vagina nine months later in Damascus and his mother unhesitatingly granted full custody to his father the King, reasoning that she already had thirty-seven burdening children with forty different members of the Syrian Ba'ath Party to take care of.
Asshat was educated at Prop A. Ghanda Primary School, Megalomania Middle School, and finally, Poorly-named Institution Whose Title Might Indicate Ironic Foreshadowing High School. He received excellent marks in his AP Despotism and Syrian Gov't 101 classes, but failed dismally in his Humanism, Ethics, and AP Physics courses. After high school Asshat worked at a Damascus Wal Mart for six years. Despite brutal work conditions, Asshat quickly rose to the position of assistant manager on the night shift. He quit out of disgust in his sixth year upon learning that Wal Mart employees in America could afford shoes and were allowed lunch breaks.
Having failed to acquaint himself with the female genitalia in high school, Asshat went on to study obstetrics at Damascus University in the late 80's. He traveled to London to continue his studies and befriended Margaret Thatcher during his stay. He returned to Syria in 1994 after the death of his older brother Basil, who fractured his skull in an intense game of badminton. Basil, not Bashar, had been next in the royal line to the throne, so this tragedy forced Bashar to uproot his life and begin preparing for royal life. His father sent him to Baghdad to study under Uncle Saddam to ensure he would be properly corrupted and Ba'athtized by the time he became King. After several years of studying he returned to Damascus with an iron fist but an unimpressive mustache.
In mid-2000, Asshat learned of an inherited allergy to latex when his father died suddenly in a femdom BDSM session. He was immediately appointed leader of the Baath-Party and the Army. According to the Syrian Constitution at the time, he was not old enough to be King. Thankfully the Syrian Parliament swiftly voted to lower the minimum age for eligibility from 40 to 34 (Asshat's age when he acquired the throne). He was crowned King on June 10th. Many were worried that Asshat would lack the political experience to make a great tyrant like his father. After all, his only public office was head of the Syrian Computer Society, whose greatest success under his leadership was the introduction of the VHS player to Syrians in 2008. Unfortunately, Asshat didn't care about these criticisms.
Reign[edit | edit source]
Though Asshat was never groomed for power as his brother was, he managed to abuse it with great prowess early in his rule. His first act as king was banning Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer films in Syria, which was met with great approval. His second act as king was making June 10th a national holiday. His third act as king came in the form of a tax increase for everyone who is not the King of Syria. This was met with strong political opposition, especially from other members within his party who urged him to only increase taxes for those outside of the Ba'ath Party. In response, Asshat arranged an extra tax for those believing the previous tax hike was unfair. Approval for the initial tax hike soared which caused the price of oil to rise.
Asshat has been highly critical of Israel and the United States for subjugating Muslims, a right which he believes is solely reserved for Muslims, especially the King of Syria. The US has avoided caring about Syria or Asshat's regime because of its lack of oil and abundance of terrorists. Nine out of ten Americans cannot point out Syria on a map, and three out of ten believe "Syria" to be a brand of citrus-flavored soft drink.
Numerous human rights groups have accused Bashar's regime of routinely torturing, imprisoning, and killing political opponents. Asshat has denied these accusations by pointing to the lack of political opponents for him to torture, imprison, and kill as his father had already killed most of them by the end of his rule. Additionally, the United States has sanctioned him for beating up their journalists, which has caused the price of oil to rise.
Civil war[edit | edit source]
On January 26th, 2011, a spree of neurosis came over the Syrian people. Thousands took to the streets and demanded Asshat and his regime go directly to jail, do not pass go, and do not collect 2 billion dollars or live in a Saudi retirement home for misfit dictators. After several weeks of gently arresting and torturing people, Asshat concluded that Western journalists working as proxies for the C.I.A. and Mossad were the source of the unrest. To prove his legitimacy, Asshat held another genuine, non-rigged election which naturally resulted in a 90+ percent majority in favor of him...or else. When this failed to satisfy the incredulous crowds, the shabiha opted for the more entertaining plan B: crushing them all with an iron first.
Many countries, including the United States, France, and Great Britain, have condemned Asshat's attacks on peaceful protesters and the civil war it has led to. The Syrian military's official stance is that armed gangs and foreign powers are using the Syrian military to terrorize cities. Syria has also long denied having any chemical weapons, prompting U.S. President Barack Obama to warn the Asshat government not to use chemical weapons for doing so would violate international law and provoke a forceful and legitimate U.S. response. Syrian government forces then used the chemical weapons they didn't have on opposition supporters in Ghouta, followed by a ground assault to shoot all potential witnesses. Both the Syrian government and opposition deny using chemical weapons. U.N. tests later confirmed the nerve agent saran wrap to have been used but identified no culprit, causing speculation that the opposition attacked themselves to provoke a response from the international community. Although the U.S. and U.K. claimed to have solid evidence of the Syrian government's responsibility, the U.K. parliament and American popular opinion were against intervening in Syria because Russia. Any efforts by the U.N. Security Council to pass resolutions for intervention would be vetoed by Russia, a superpower the United States and its allies have never challenged before.
An agreement was eventually passed between several countries including Syria, the United States, and Russia which would allow the Syrian government to get rid of the chemical weapons they didn't have. As of January 2015, all of the chemical weapons Syria didn't have are now eliminated thanks to the U.N.'s "chemical weapons curbside pickup" service. However, the Syrian government continues using conventional weapons to massacre and terrorize civilians. This has prompted countries such as Germany, France, and the United States to send badly needed weapons, ammunition, and coffins to the Free Syrian Army.
This commitment to a proxy war in Syria has attracted criticism from people who fear that American weapons, which render the user indestructible, may end up in the hands of Islamists. This fear is not unfounded, as the best analysts conclude that if ISIS got a hold of American guns, they would be just as powerful as the United States - that is to say, indestructible and omnipotent (owing again to the superiority of American weapons).
Rapid Decline and Death[edit | edit source]
While Bashar was out of the country, Tahrir al-Sham rebels—an Al-Qaeda offshoot made up of former terrorists who saw the light after reading "Sapiens" by Yuval Noah Harari—overran the Syrian city of Aleppo within hours. The brave Syrian Arab Army did what all Arab armies do in the face of Islamist insurgents and valiantly retreated into the desert to retire and become goatherders. Led by the dashing Abu Mohammad al-Julani (who is NOT Zelensky in a funny outfit) Bashar's regime dissolved into nothing as the rest of the major cities once within his control fell to the horde of moderate beheaders.
Bashar al-Asshat died when he bravely martyred himself, crawling into a barrel bomb full of Sarin gas so he could be dropped into a hospital full of orphans one last time.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Saddam Hussein
- Muammar Gaddafi
- Vladimir Putin, friend and ally;
AssadAsshat has a giant portrait of him on his wall
Citations[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The "beast" being the Syrian people.