UnNews:Christmas horoscopes!

Sunday, December 18, 2016

A reminder for Pisces to be careful this week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are - nothing happens.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Embarrassment as you and your brother both buy your dad the same gift for Christmas - 30 minutes with a Vietnamese ladyboy masseuse.

• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - For Christmas you have always wanted to have a bigger penis, and I can confirm your wife often wishes for the same thing.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You find out that there is a man in your street called Nicholas. He is heavily bearded, seems to wear the same suit all the time, and keeps a list of children he considers “naughty” or “nice”, and occasionally offers sweets or toys to the ones he likes best. Be careful with him. He is not Santa.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - What do you give the man who has everything? Chlamydia.

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - At this time of year you feel a Christ-like rejection of material goods coming over you, which tends to occur at roughly the same time as when you have to buy presents.

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Your Christmas wish is for world peace, and for all governments to give up their weapons - so you can move in and take the fuck over.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are visited by the Spirit of Christmas Past, but luckily the Ghostbusters come and blow him to kingdom come.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - A depressing moment when you play “Your Year in Review” video on Facebook and it shows a dog hanging itself.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - It hits you that the only three wise men following a star this year were those guys who followed Kim Kardashian home and robbed her.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Secret Santa can be an innocuous festive tradition. Or it can be an opportunity to anonymously give a Christmas ham to a Muslim colleague.

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - In an attempt to reincarnate the Messiah, you have sex with a 13-year-old virgin and flee town with her, making her give birth in a stable. Does not end well.