Chas Licciardello
 Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate! |
“Never heard of him.”
“I used to fill in for Chris Taylor as Super Mario until I got this gig.”
“I got fans supporting me wherever I go. I'm just used to it. That's just what happens when you are a mega-super-duper star.”
“I'd tap that.”
Chas Licciardello (born Chastity Elizabeth Litchfield), also known as Gvhftr Kijl, is a comedian, terrorist, and Canterbury Bulldogs fan from the bad part of Sydney, Australia. He is also a wog, so the Australian police consider him armed and dangerous. He is known to be involved in The Chaser's War on Everything, which Australians consider to be funny, since they enjoy nothing more than laughing at indiscriminate violence. Due to his similar stature, appearance and tiny penis size, Licciardello is often mistaken for Osama Bin Laden
Chas has become well known in recent years for his amazing ability to stay out of jail. He usually accomplishes this using well thought-out excuses for his misbehaviour, which are usually something along the lines of "Nobody stopped me."
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Few facts are known about Chas' childhood, although it is probably safe to say that his mother was a Royalist and his father couldn't speak English. That sounds about right. He is known to have attended Sydney Grammar School, which may explain his aversion to brushing his hair, dressing nicely, and bathing.
It was during his early years that he first noticed his special power of managing to get people to do whatever the hell he wanted them to, no matter how pointless it was. His first major abuse of this power was making Andrew Denton think he had talent. Over the years he has refined this ability, which he now uses to gain access to restricted areas of major cities such as Sydney, as well as out of jail.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
In July 2006, Chas was arrested and charged with being a Canterbury Bulldogs supporter. However, he was let off, because let's face it, a guy carrying knives and knuckledusters is not to be messed with. Even if they're fake. Because they could have been filled with drugs, you know...
In September 2007, Chas attempted to take over Al-Qaeda. However, instead of showing up at Osama bin Laden's secret lair to do battle, he showed up at George W. Bush's secret lair, Sydney. His attempt failed, due to a pointless expensive crock which had caused Sydney to shut that week.
In May 2008, Chas successfully endeared himself to the Australian public by French kissing fellow comedian Rove McManus. Although many have speculated that punching him in the face would have been a better publicity stunt, it probably wouldn't have been anywhere near as popular on YouTube.
During March 2010, Chas was caught doing a burnout with Formula One race car driver Lewis Hamilton in front of police, whilst in Melbourne, Australia. His car was impounded for 48 hours by the Traffic Management Unit and police said he would be charged under hoon laws. He was also fined for having an unroadworthy vechicle. Police officers had described the comedian's car as being "one piece of pure shit" While Chas' car was being towed away, witnesses claimed that he was screaming "O' Doyle Rules!", reparatively.
Comedy Career[edit | edit source]
Chas has a natural ability to make people laugh:
“Why's it called The Chaser? The reason why it's called The Chaser is because we had a comedy newspaper to begin with, called The Chaser, and that was called The Chaser as in, like... The idea was it was supposed to come out on Sunday, and people would get the Sunday papers, and this would be like, The Chaser, like the after-dinner drink of the [???] and the thing is that it never came out on Sunday because we were really disorganised, and so that made no sense.”
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Chas had a hard childhood life. As a young boy, Chas would be punched in the throat several times a day by his evil stepfather, choking him (Homer Simpson style) and forcing him to swalling nuts, bolts, helium and boiling motor oil, which gave him a nasily whiney annoying voice by the time he was an adult. At the age of 9, Chas joined a choir because he loved to sing so much, but he was instantly kicked out once his nasil voice kicked in. His dream to be the best "super dooper mega" singer in the world was shattered. That's why he joined the Chaser team
Although Chas has not yet admitted it, reliable sources have stated that he is gay,[1] and that he is currently in a relationship with Dr. Seuss.[2] Although Dr. Seuss has not yet commented on this relationship, Chas has been quoted in saying " I do not sleep with Dr Seuss, I would not tap on that caboose, But maybe one day if i can, i wouldn't mind blue balls and ham"
During his spare time, Chas enjoys getting drunk with current affairs reporters. Several of these reporters have complained that they are never able to get through to him when they call to apologize for the way their program portrayed him. Dr. Seuss' thoughts on this behaviour are not known.
Chas also enjoys running after the Prime Minister naked. Kevin seems to enjoy this, too.
Chas's Likes and Dislikes:[edit | edit source]
Likes:
- Chasing/ scaring away dogs
- Stealing pet dogs from owners when they are not looking, and claiming they are his
- Dancing
- Streaking for no apparent reason
- Jumping on jumping castles at random children parties that he isn't even invited to
- The song, Little Girls, by Oingo Boingo
- The TV shows, The Trap Door, Bump in the Night, and Tracy McBean
- Japanese cartoons from the 80s where all the characters' eyes constantly flash giving him sonic seizues
- Randomly putting meat down his pants
- Farting in empty bottles and quickly screwing the lid back on and giving it to one of the other chasers which goes and opens it.
- throwing a pie at Andrew's face, before being slapped over the head by Andrew
- pouring his drink over subwoofers
- filling the car's boot with grease
- Fisher Price
- Playing with children who make everything sticky
- Cabbage Patch Kids
- Sugar
- Pixie Sticks
- Spaghetti covered in chocolate sauce, maple syrup and smarties - dinner
- planting hot-dog trees
- wearing absolutly nothing
- making beans
- being caught by the police after doing massive burnouts
- losing money in vending machines with toys in it
- getting his hand stuck in vending machines with toys in it
- getting his head stuck in vending machines with toys in it
- writing and selling his own books on how if you cut off one of your limbs it will definatly grow back
- tying a string around a fly and using it as a kite and showing the rest of the chaser team before getting bashed by the chaser team
- selling a dollar for 95c
- causing car accidents on purpose
- swearing at people in Greek (even though he isn't Greek) after causing car accidents. "Oi Malakai!!"
- jumping into a swimming pool with clothes on - only time he likes being clothed
- April fools Day which he claims to have invented
- Loves Wallace and Gromit
- Making his bed, jumping on it 10000 times and making it then jumping on it, making it, pulling appart the sheets and pillows to make a cubby house.
- Wearing a strait jacket
- Wishing that he can meet David Lee Roth who will give him his spandex and then show the rest of the chasers his new spandex before getting bashed and fired by the chasers.
Dislikes:
- Being thrown into a prison cell
- Being thrown into a police car
- Being thrown into a fan-forced oven
- Sitting on ice-cream sandwitches
- Not having the right to streak naked
- Justin Bieber
- Lady Gaga
- Keisha
- every second the camera doesn't shoot him
- when somebody else sits in his chair
- Julia Gillard
- Tony Abbott (aka. Monkey Man)
- mistaking a wasp for a fly when trying to tie a string around it and being stung like hell
- being electrified
- Hamish and Andy - "those bastards!"
- Not wearing G-Strings
- People who are not WINNING like Charlie Sheen
- Dislikes being kicked out of clubs by security
- Dislikes being kicked out of clubs by security after on purposely trying to be kicked out of the club
References[edit | edit source]
