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Ev'nin' Guvnor, cast yer mincepies at Uncyclopædia Britannica, the content-free encyclopedia that any Tom, Dick or 'Arry can edit.

Northern translation:Ey up luv! Get yers arse on t' Uncyclopedia, before Tom, Dick or Arry do or ye gunner get a thrapin'!

Good Queen Bess has inspired us to work on 37,163 articles since opening in January 2005.

Jolly well, old chaps. Before editing, please read the Beginner's Guide and browse the Big Five, if you will.
Colonisations for the week include Canada, Newfoundland, Australia and New Zealand. Rule Britannia!

During the late 1990s, the band U2 fell on hard times.
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On the telly tonight

The Tour de France is a mythical cycling race which takes place in a gorgeous, endearing, and alcoholic-filled nation called France. It is one of the biggest sporting events in the world, rivalling the Superbowl and the Timbuktu Camelshoe throwing contest. It is said to be the supreme test of human endurance and grit, and the most gruelling cycling event in the world, despite the fact that the Vuelta a Espana and the Tour of Grabashloyshka are just as hard.

The first Tour was held in 342 BC and was raced on horse carriages. It was named the Tour de Gaul and was won by a youth named Asterix, who was heavily suspected of underhand magic. His personal druid Michelix Ferrarix had a sulphurous reputation on the matters of performance enhancing potions and bad haircuts. After a horse strike and the inevitable elephant stint, the race was finally run on actual bicycles in 1903 and won by French plumber Maurice Garin. Garin was distinctive for being a very hard man on his bike, not striking and looking as pale as death on all his photographs. (Full article...)

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Lest we forget

January 24: Plain Text Day
·41 AD - Roman emperor Caligula is skewered to death by his Praetorian bodyguards after he forgets their birthdays ten years in a row.
·1848 - A miner finds a whole vein of Bitcoins near Sacramento, California.
·1941 - Neil Diamond is born looking exactly like he does right now.
·1961 - A bomber carrying two H-Bombs crashes in North Carolina, irradiates state, no one notices as North Carolina is already filled with glowing mutant people.
·1970 - Computer nerds invent the computer, use only the colors green and black since they have no fashion sense.
·1972 - Japanese soldier found hiding in the jungles of Borneo, twenty-seven years after World War II ends: asks, "Is my mother dead yet?"
·1984 - Steve Jobs personally invents the Apple Macintosh (Pictured), which revolutionizes computing by introducing the color gray and something called a UI. Sounds lame.

Ye Royal Archives

Paddington Blair's word for today is
zyzzyva
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

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Auntie Beeb reports:

Gina Lollobrigida 1927 – 2023

Late delivery: Demi Lovato and a hurricane team up to fix a supercomputer by turning it off and then back on
Viggo Mortensen joins Next James Bond
The movie Casablanca is 80 years old. Here's Looking At You, Kid!
President pardons Türkiye
Pennsylvania: Should I vote for Mike Doyle or Mike Doyle?
People in Los Angeles have another thing to make their lives more miserable
Benedict Cumberbatch: Doctor Strange 2 a better horror movie than Halloween Ends
Russian people are sick of being Russians
You won't believe who dies on The Crown
Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA · Alected
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Did you chaps know...

... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?

Do you blimey care...[edit source]

... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?

Care to read more?

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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