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Northern translation:Ey up luv! Get yers arse on t' Uncyclopedia, before Tom, Dick or Arry do or ye gunner get a thrapin'!

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On the telly tonight

So, Jenny, the girl you've been with for two years, the girl you took to Blockbuster and bought snacks for, the girl you swore you'd be with for~~ever~~ a long time, has just broken up with you. It wasn't because you were too needy or you were a stalker or anything crazy like that. She just said that because she was nervous. She was intimidated by you and your amazingness. You two just weren't right for each other; no, you were too good for her. Yeah, that's right. You're better than her. She wishes she was you. She wishes she could be as attractive to girls as you are. Yeah, she's a lesbian. That's why you broke up with her isn't it? Yeah, that's why. Exactly.

Yeah, the first thing you have to do is forget that Jenny exists. Except you can't actually do that because she doesn't exist. She never existed. Jenny's not even a real name. Yeah, those legs that went on forever never existed. That smile that you could see your reflection in never existed. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes, weren't even there. Neither was that cute little nose or the long, smooth hair, or the supple bosom, or the flawless skin, or the petite little ass. No, nothing was there, because she wasn't there, because she never existed. And you can't miss what never existed, right? No, you can't. Okay, she's forgotten. I'm sure you feel much better now. Now that you don't remember that girl... what was her name? She didn't have one, remember? She's not real. You never broke up with her. Oh wait, that means you two are still together, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. You should go tell her. Jenny will be so excited. (Full article...)

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Lest we forget

April 14: Pull My Finger Day

13 - Repairs begin after worst Friday the 13th ever.
1215 - Magna Carta signed, giving the Red Baron the right to bake pizza on his warplane.
1654 - On this Sunday, by a freak coincidence, no-one turned up to church at all, anywhere. Excuses cited include "washing cart" and "wife pregnant".
1936 - Hitler's girlfriend Eva Braun buys a "really cute armband" for the big rally.
1967 - Yoko Ono forms her renegade militant group "The Plastic Renegades" with the objective of destroying all good music in the universe.
1987 - Miracle Whip deemed "less than miraculous" by the FDA. (Pictured)
2007 - Captain obvious says something hilariously astute.
2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica dies, and nothing of value is lost.

Ye Royal Archives

Paddington Blair's word for today is
androgynous
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

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Auntie Beeb reports:

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

More Current Events at Beeb News

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Did you chaps know...

... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?

Do you blimey care...[edit source]

... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?

Care to read more?

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners