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Today's featured article

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"

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In the news

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!

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Picture of the day

Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world.

Image credit: RadicalX
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