User:TheLick/Main Page

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41,146 articles in English

Today's featured article

Lovinggrandma.png

It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how you cried like a little pussy as she wasted away into an emaciated pile of death. She'd bring us lemonade with a smile hiding her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I deserved her love more than you but, you know, she was your grandma. I think she loved me more than she loved you, but I never said that because that would be an asshole move, and I love you brah, would never be a dick to you.

We were young and awesome (especially me) with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her hospital bed gagging on a tube. The irony is that she lived a selfless life and yet the universe didn't care. She spent her last days are with a tube down her throat unable to breathe. Of course I didn't laugh out loud (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy, especially when you are concerned. So I waited 10 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene watching Grandma rot away in pain. Wasn't it a classic hoot? (Full article...)

Did you know?

MrWinklerIsGay.gif
  • ... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)
  • ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
  • ... that I think you know what's happening today?
  • ... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
  • ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
  • ... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
  • ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
  • ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?

In the news

President Nicolas Maduro on board the USS Iwo Jima (cropped).png
Great start to the year!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker • Nanny state officials breaching people's right to privacy via enforcing social media bans and digital ID on their respective countries under the pretext of "think of the children!"

Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix •

On this day

After thousands of French people are guillotined, Robespierre can't help but find out what the big fuss is all about

January 5: Guillotine Day (France)

  • 1789 - Joseph-Ignace Guillotin first proposes the idea of a simple cutting mechanism by which the heads of monarchist scum are efficiently detached.
  • 1793 - Maximilien Robespierre, to speed up the long lines of people awaiting execution, designs a new guillotine based on Leonardo da Vinci's primitive helicopter designs.
  • 1794 - Robespierre's severed head goes on to become the next Prime Minister of Belgium.
  • 1977 - The last person to be execution by guillotine, Hamida Djandoubi, sells commemorative postcards to pay for his defense trial.
  • 1996 - Georgia State Rep. Doug Teper is reelected on his promise to rename the guillotine the freedom slicer.
  • 2003 - British scientists invent a hybrid lethal injection/guillotine device, by which the blade of a guillotine is replaced by a row of hypodermic needles.

Picture of the day

La Trahison des Images
 This is NOT a potato. René Magritte's homage to Uncyclopedia. It could be a chipolata, actually; it's not a great painting either way.

Image credit: Sannse
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