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They tell you Mother Earth is special. They tell you she's the only planet known to support life, that we're alone, in the vast, indifferent oblivion that they dare call the cosmos, that all those expensive probes and rovers they keep thrusting towards Jupiter's moons are "just for research", that there's nothing lurking beneath the icy crust of Europa except a whole lot o' frozen nothing except for maybe some very chill saltwater.

Ah, but you see, my companion – it's all a ruse. A lie. A terminological inexactitude, even.

"Earth is the only planet to inhabit life"; why, that's what the feds at NASA want you to think. But they're lying. They're always lying. They lied about Area 51. They lied about Pluto. They lied about Santa Claus. They lied about the authenticity of the Moon landing.(Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)

... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

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In the news

Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Trump presents new science project to Cabinet (Pictured)
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions
Starmer bans pornography nationwide
- Starmer to ban VPNs nationwide
Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Bill Cosby's TV son • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Comcast

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On this day

August 19: Battle of Knockdoe Day

1501 - The de Burghs and Fitzgeralds agree to have a glorious battle in Knockdoe next year.
1502 - Ulick Burke too hung over to remember what day it is; Gerald Fitzgerald "super pissed" that he didn't show up.
1503 - Gerald Fitzgerald too hung over to attend the battle; Ulick Burke calls him a damn hypocrite.
1504 - The Battle of Knockdoe: a bunch of Normans and Irish chop each other to pieces, probably forever altering English history or something.
1919 - Afghanistan gains independence from the U.K., bringing an end to the 2nd Battle of Knockdoe.
1952 - Jonathan Frakes, actor who portrayed William Riker, born in order to commemorate the 448th anniversary of the Battle of Knockdoe.
1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Gorbachev placed under house arrest while watching docudrama about the Battle of Knockdoe.
2005 - Lonely tourist kisses the Blarney Stone, ends up in extended makeout session.
2010 - The parish of Lackagh, former site of the Battle of Knockdoe, found to be infested with stinking drunken Irishmen.

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Picture of the day

A state planning committee map of Connecticut.

Image credit: RadicalX
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