New Waterford, Nova Scotia

The corner of Emperor Street and Electrician Avenue. Because of budget cutbacks the town couldn't afford the last three letters in Electrician. This corner is also the workplace of many in the successful prostitute industry.

New Waterford, Nova Scotia is a beautiful resort town located on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. Although not as beautiful as nearby Dominion, it's still alright. It is located between the two megacities of Glace Bay and Sydney, and was constructed on the site of a former mental asylum. It is known for its low crime rate, clean-living lifestyle, high incomes, and high rates of sexual abstinence and teenage virginity. The city's business and economic nerve-center is Electrician Avenue, where the Liquor Store and Tim Hortons are found.

Industry[edit | edit source]

Many New Waterford residents are employed within the city's booming Spiegel Industrial Complex, which offers its highly-trained professionals the opportunity to regret their career choices and go home early as often as possible. The city is also home to, in several locations throughout its neighborhoods, a drug and alcohol consumption industry that, according to recent government statistics, produces a whopping 86% of Cape Breton's current hangovers. Prostitution has its own special twist in New Waterford, as most local prostitutes (known locally as "girls who live in New Waterford") will gladly provide sex in exchange for a ride to Sydney and back.

Politics[edit | edit source]

The town of New Waterford is run by Mayor R. Fougere and her two assistants, Pearl and Allie. Anyone who messed with the regime would find themselves chomped on by Pearl's and Allie's teeth or crushed under their hooves. Allie recently passed away, but Pearl still guards the city gates and will savagely attack any trespassers.

Police services and fire-fighters[edit | edit source]

You have a better chance of calling Batman for help than dialing 911 when Pillhead Adam breaks into your house looking for appliances to sell for coke, as the New Waterford fuzz usually take four shots through Plummer Avenue before arriving at the scene of the crime. However, don't despair if your house is ablaze, for the fire department will show up with water guns and straw brooms to whack the flames out, and they're usually never too late to at least save the basement.

Sports[edit | edit source]

New Waterford has been known to pump out many NHL stars, ranging from Mats Sundin and Patrick Roy to Vladislav Tretiak, as well as NBA all-star Darryl'R Rich and former pro skateboarder "Big Air" Bwair, who is known for creating such tricks as the Boo Fling. New Waterford also have a successful girls' high school hockey team, the Breton Education Centre Virgins, from which is derived the cherished New Waterford adage, "all that comes out of New Waterford is whores and hockey players. What position does your mother play??"

New Waterford is also known for the famous Rack 'N' Roll Men's Dart League, which draws thousands of fans who turn out early on Tuesday nights to watch great athletes in all their beer-swilling glory.

In other news...the BEC Bears recently lost the 26th annual Coal Bowl Classic, for the 26th time.

Glory Hole Classic[edit | edit source]

Every year, basketball teams from all over Canada come to New Waterford for the Glory Hole Classic; players are housed at the prestigious Breton Education Centre. The tournament is important to the town's economy, as well as to its image as a town that willingly hosts something called the "Glory Hole Classic" with a straight face.

Recreational Activities[edit | edit source]

Fishing[edit | edit source]

We're going to rock down to Electrician Avenue

"Obv", New Waterford is a town well-known for its great fishing spots (normal fishing hours are from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. daily), as well as the annual motorcycle festival, which consists of large groups of sober bikers pulling their motorcycles onto the docks and casting out, putting their poles in between the spokes of the bikes, and catching a nap. However, as a polite gesture to the town, the bikers also follow the 8:30 p.m. curfew rule. Then at 8:32 p.m., everyone gathers in their homes to watch Degrassi, the pride of New Waterford (and all of Canada, as well).

Hunting[edit | edit source]

The waters around New Waterford are rife with deer, moose, and jackalope; New Waterforders set out large wire cages called "pots", baited with fish chum, to catch them. If the other game is sparse, nothing beats a good lobster hunt—New Waterford's lobsters often reach six feet in length, and have a top speed rivaling that of a school bus. Another popular recreational activity consists of shooting at and driving over squirrels.

The 8:30 Whistle of Death[edit | edit source]

The 8:30 Whistle of Death is the whistle that sounds every night at 8:30 to alert the general public of the river coyotes. Officer Glenn Marsh of the New Waterford Police Department is the only man who has seen a River Coyote and lived to tell the tale. This rare breed of coyote, found only on the shores of New Waterford, is incredibly dangerous, and whoever steps outside after 8:30 is sure to turn up dead in the wee hours of the morning. The only known way to kill a river coyote is by the often naturally-occurring Ice Tornado, which catches the river coyotes on blue fire. Scientists are still baffled over the seemingly impossible ice tornado, but hey, get off those roads come 8:30.

Warning about New Waterford[edit | edit source]

The ungodlyest force of nature is New Waterford's own Fountain. May seem harmless, but each and every little child that enters the dangerous liquid becomes more and more venomous. One day all children will rule Cape Breton with their tiny fingers, and will have all parents on their fingertips and stand up for every little whip and kick that Cape Bretoners put on these little harmless creations that don't know how to stand up for themselves, but one day, ONE DAY you will see. They are not just little messy-faced kids who just wreck your house and track mud from the Sydney tar-ponds through your house, one day you will see that kids do rule the face of Cape Breton, one day you will see!!!!!

So, warning: if you don't want to see children rule every step of Cape Breton, don't let your children run the streets of Plummer Avenue in New Waterford! One little splash, one little swim, one little itty-bitty toe in that liquid does the job, and eventually every child will be affected. Watch out for that Hearther, she'll take you to court!