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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Snakes on a Plane is a 2006 high-concept action thriller film which also doubles as an Internet meme. Based on a relatively obscure Dr. Seuss book, the film highlights Samuel L. Jackson's desperate and heroic battle against some 200,000 poisonous snakes, all of which takes place on the titular plane. (It should be noted that every snake on the plane was non-venomous, and in real life, the flight would have ended with a few minor bites rather than gruesome death.)

Snakes on a Plane was released to highly polarized opinions. Critics griped about its lack of a comprehensive plot, inaccuracies, and nonsensical mix of sex, drugs, gore, snakes, and planes. The Internet, on the other hand, loved it, and spouted Jackson's line "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" about fifty million times. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz

30 AD - Jesus takes a nap. Apostles write their own parables while he's not aware.
124 BC - Forgetting to file his taxes on time, Prometheus uninvents fire in an attempt to delay the deadline, but the Sun foils his plans.
1945 - Orville Redenbacher begins work on The Manhattan Project.
1955 - February's Groundhog leaves hole (Pictured), Spring decides not to come at all this year, skips straight to Summer.
1961 - Yuri Gagarin flies into space, notices an unusual draft coming from his porthole window.
1967 - Che Guevara takes a nap and wakes up in a CIA prison in Bolivia.
1979 - Mel Gibson goes mad and eliminates a rogue biker gang.

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Picture of the day

DaVinci's Hewlett-Packard printer was to be the undoing of his most famous work, resulting in what art scholars have termed the "Mono Lisa."

Hewlett Packard were unavailable for comment as the CEO was busy discussing a merger with Ferrari to create the world's first petrol powered printer.
DaVinci is said to be in a closed door meeting with Dan Brown to discuss the implications of this event.
Image credit: Nonymous
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