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From today's featured moccasin
Okay, so this article is all about Bat Fuck Insanity. I think. Looking at such a thing from a meta sense, you get a long, in-jokey history involving vandalism, cleanup and pure insanity. Looking at such a thing from a proper sense, you get insanity, with bats and sexual intercourse. The term comes from the Latin Defleitermousix Fornix Propheticia, but all I ever wanted was the minecart, and she wouldn't give it to me and they just keep on buggin' me and it builds up inside, IT BUILDS UP INSIDE, just like a bad case of BAT FUCK INSANEEEE! In other words, you shouldn't be here. Bat Fuck Insane will now throttle you for such heinous crimes.
One of the first cases of bat fuck insanity in recorded history was that of Gregorius Androgynous, who went bat fuck insane in the year 103 AD. He devoured himself, starting with the head (which he roasted with shallots and pinion nuts) and continuing with the BAT FUCK INSANE tripes, which he pulled from the stump of his own neck. "Gurgghggh!" he said calmly – in classical Egyptian no less. His friends, Romans, countrymen and other passers by were horrified as his decapitated and partially disemboweled body strolled around the Forum and attended baseball games at the Coliseum. Finally the Senate approved his execution and they hurled a hopelessly insane Gregorius into the Defleitermousix Fornix Asyluminatica for the unforgivable crime of drinking white wine instead of red wine while eating himself. There he subvocalizeed whilst attempting to stuff Fermat's Last Theorem up a stoat (a weasel is totally different, honest). (Full article...)
Moccasins
- Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone" (Pictured)
- Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
- THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!
- Hit videogame Deltarune about to be released tomorrow!!!
- New York Knicks throw tantrum, fire head coach for barely missing the NBA Finals
- Elevation Worship's Chris Brown filling in for mainstream Chris Brown until further notice
- Taylor Swift buys back her masters
- "Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard
- Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane
- Austria wins Eurovision
- MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF
- New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom
- BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!!
- Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
- Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
- PBS and NPR to lose funding
- Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
- Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide
- Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
- Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
- Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
- World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG and Stranger Things 5 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's breakup • The IRS hunting late tax payers • NBA finals and Stanley Cup • Aaron Rodgers finally signing with a team
Recent deaths: George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season and coach's tenure • Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him • Sly Stallone Stone • Brian Wilson
Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg?
Did You Know? No, you didn't.
- ... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
- ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
- ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
- ... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
Today's moccasins
June 11: Ontological Empiricism Day
- 1770 - Captain James Cook wonders whether the Great Barrier Reef actually "exists", or is simply a bundle of sense-data, which is "perceived" by most to be a coral reef.
- 1922 - The Society of Post-postmodernism declares Ontological Empiricism shallow and pedantic.
- 1945 - The last day Kyle was seen.... Have you seen Kyle ?
- 1963 - A Buddhist monk, promoting his new line of fireproof clothing, performs a public demonstration by setting himself on fire in a crowded Saigon street.
- 1980 - Republican attempts to redraw Delaware's 4th Congressional District inadvertently lead to the first Shiba Inu elected congressman! He hates women.
- 2007 - The inventor of Ontological Empiricism is punched in the face by God.
- 2015 - A massive mudslide doesn't kill several dozen poor people in Bangladesh.
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