Longueuil
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"Vive la Quebéc" |
Longueuil is a more or less hospitable city located on the southern shore of Montreal, although in reality it is east of the latter. It is also the cultural capital of Mullet (also known as "Coupe Longueuil" in the ancient Quebecian tongue), a title disputed by Vanier, a dump both of Quebec City and of Ottawa.
Culture and society[edit | edit source]
Inhabitants of Longueuil have their own way of life, although it is copied almost everywhere where the level of education is close to that of the local animal population. We recognize them by their haircuts: short cut at the front and long in the back, called mullets. This cut was originally a way to protect one's neck from the blazing-hot Canadian sun (sunscreen not having yet been discovered at the time). This cultural heritage has since remained etched in the hearts of the inhabitants of Longueuil.
Beer and beer-nuts are both a national heritage and a daily good of choice. Often consumed under the table, that is to say, at room temperature, these essential foodstuffs are both a source of nutrients and the peak of social and cultural life in Longueuil, especially during the hot monsoon season. The galleries are then overcrowded with middle-aged bikers without sweaters and formerly naked dancers now converted into mothers with a stormy past. What a backward child-like people they are.
Smokers in this town make up a significant portion of customers at traditional cigarette cabins on Mohawk reservations, as cigarettes sold in grocery stores are too expensive.
It should be noted that more than 60% of the population of Longueuil (not including the city center, a true bourgeois epiphany in an ocean of regrets) is on social welfare, living a bohemian life in a caravan and ignorant the harshness of their condition. Residents of Longueuil are however very attached to their nationalism and do not hesitate to exile their children from the family home (generally a caravan) when the latter express the wish, for the boys, to work or to continue their studies at beyond primary school, and for girls, to remain chaste during adolescence. Or vice versa.
Education[edit | edit source]
The most prestigious institution, CÉGEP Édouard-Montpetit, is located in the slum of Chemin Chambly between two series of apartments infested with cockroaches. Renowned for attracting all forms of social degeneration of the youth of the South Shore, the College allows, among other things, vagabonds to find refuge and gypsies to spend 10 years there without obtaining a diploma.
Transport[edit | edit source]
Firmly believing in the widespread myth according to which each Longueillois would have a Winnebago in his garage, the administration of the municipality judges since 1962 that the installation of an adequate system of collective transport is not necessary to ensure the displacement of the population. This is why the Longueuil Transport Network, although existing on paper, is in reality only an illusion of service. This hoax prepared by the authorities, however, encourages artists to migrate to Longueuil: more and more professional actors and actresses are hired to personify bus drivers, telephone operators, secretaries, and security guards that have long gone missing in action. This large undertaking is however not quite sufficient to convince the remaining population of the existence of the service: the debate as to the real or fictitious existence of the RTL is still current. Indeed, the numerous delays (not to mention incessant brake failures) of the various bus lines have started to make users doubt the real intentions of RTL (if the institution exists), fueling the supporters of conspiracy theories.
This masquerade allowed the city to considerably reduce its obesity rate, the inhabitants being now accustomed to long strenuous walks to get to Terminus Longueuil after having waited upwards of 35 minutes in the freezing cold of the winter of Longueuil to no avail.
Also, if you're wondering, don't even try driving in Longueuil. Just don't. You'll get sucked into a pothole, and be stuck there for an eternity.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Thanks to Madeleine, Rogère, Murielle, Joséphus, Léopold and all their octogenarian bridge partners from the Golden Age Club, Place Longueuil, a hub and world epicenter of low-quality retail, continues its supersonic rise towards the summits of commuter patheticism. The competition is fierce between this collection of old, shabby shops and the washed-out stalls of Place Jacques-Cartier. This tense relationship stimulates numerous attempts to restore the image of the two shopping malls. The resounding failure of these procedures with young people in search of glory is accompanied by an exodus of the population towards the Simons of downtown Montreal.
Rue St-Charles, supposedly the national center of the merchant bourgeoisie, is in fact the headquarters of young people too lazy to get drunk in the more respectable establishments of Montreal. The 1957 has had a monopoly on debauchery for too long now and has seen many generations throw up their overpriced fries against the background of trendy music (known as hipster).
